A Little Humor for Your Day – ‘Thirty-One Signs Technology Has Taken Over’

THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

1.   Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail address for two on-line services, and your
Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write “is” letterhead.

2.   You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3.   You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because
there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4.   You think of the gadgets in our office as “friends,” but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.

5.   You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.   When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customer’s questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.

7.   You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.   You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
“digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.   You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10.  You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11.  You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.  Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).

13.  You back up your data every day.

14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18.  You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town
hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.

22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-half inch sizes.

23.  Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.

25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.

27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better — the track ball or the track “pad.”

30.  You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a
tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-
to-face.

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A Little Humor for Your Day – ’31 Signs Technology has Overtaken Your Life’

THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail address for two on-line services, and your
Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write “is” letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because
there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in our office as “friends,” but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customer’s questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
“digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town
hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up
the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better — the track ball or the track “pad.”

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a
tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-
to-face.

A Little Humor for Your Day – Beware of these new Computer Viruses

Beware of these new Computer Viruses:

========================================

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRBAG VIRUS – Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS – You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Al Gore Virus – Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER’S VIRUS – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

APPLE VIRUS – Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 – It terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 – Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature’s computers.

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 – It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 – It tells you it’s executing any program you want, whether or not it’s on your computer.

Bill Clinton Virus v 3.0 – Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 – Mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton Virus v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer’s involvement in other computer’s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 – Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser’s list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections…to any URL…because since it didn’t transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn’t really connected.

BILL GATES VIRUS – This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus – displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

Birthday Virus – Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOB DOLE VIRUS – Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat.

Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Bureaucrat Virus – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS – It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 – It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus v 2.0 – Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus v 3.0 – Overdraws your disk space.

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS – Doesn’t allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space – if you try, it accuses you of being a “mean-spirited extremist”.

DIET VIRUS – Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS – Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS – It sounds pretty good, but you’d swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS – Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 – Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Ellen Degeneres Virus v 2.0 – Disks can no longer be inserted.

Elvis Virus – Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Federal Reserve Virus – Affects performance of CDs.

Firestone Viruses – Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

Freudian Virus – Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it’s own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

French virus – garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, “I surrender!” and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

Gallup Poll Virus – 60% of the PC’s infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS – Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

A Little Humor for Your Day – THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

1.   Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail address for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write “is” letterhead.

2.   You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3.   You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because
there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4.   You think of the gadgets in our office as “friends,” but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.

5.   You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.   When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customer’s questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.

7.   You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.   You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
“digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.   You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10.  You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.

11.  You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.  Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).

13.  You back up your data every day.

14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18.  You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town
hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up
the street names.

20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.

22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-half inch sizes.

23.  Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.

25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.

27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better — the track ball or the track “pad.”

30.  You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a
tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-
to-face.