Beware of these new Computer Viruses:

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ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRBAG VIRUS – Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS – You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Al Gore Virus – Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER’S VIRUS – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

APPLE VIRUS – Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 – It terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 – Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature’s computers.

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 – It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 – It tells you it’s executing any program you want, whether or not it’s on your computer.

Bill Clinton Virus v 3.0 – Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 – Mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton Virus v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer’s involvement in other computer’s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 – Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser’s list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections…to any URL…because since it didn’t transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn’t really connected.

BILL GATES VIRUS – This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus – displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

Birthday Virus – Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOB DOLE VIRUS – Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat.

Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus – Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Bureaucrat Virus – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS – It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 – It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus v 2.0 – Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus v 3.0 – Overdraws your disk space.

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS – Doesn’t allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space – if you try, it accuses you of being a “mean-spirited extremist”.

DIET VIRUS – Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS – Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS – It sounds pretty good, but you’d swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS – Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 – Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Ellen Degeneres Virus v 2.0 – Disks can no longer be inserted.

Elvis Virus – Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Federal Reserve Virus – Affects performance of CDs.

Firestone Viruses – Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

Freudian Virus – Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it’s own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

French virus – garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, “I surrender!” and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

Gallup Poll Virus – 60% of the PC’s infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS – Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.