Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy”. Tomorrow’s better, for that one.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don’t act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it’s embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It’s hard to pretend they’re just spraying for roaches…

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm.” You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was “excellent” at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear.

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You’ve been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven’t you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley.” Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.

Monday, October 03, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn’t have to have cheese, you know.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.