the daily humorscope
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber ducky, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.