the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 7

    the daily humorscope     

Saturday, July 07, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find the word “impecunious” popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you’ll go look it up in the dictionary.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as “classic” rock. Believe me, that’s not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the “big elbow” look.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: “Never serve beans in space.”

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 24

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber ducky, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.