the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

the daily humorscopes for tueday, october 18th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 24

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber ducky, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 26

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Continue hiding.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.