the daily humorscope
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.