the daily humorscope
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to fidget.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.