the daily humorscope
Monday, August 29, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.