the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 10th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.