the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.

the daily humorscope for August 14th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn’t eat so much candy before going to bed?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as “Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” today. With any luck, the cat will get it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away