the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 17th

Earlier this month in the calendar, I reminded you that solar and planetary alignments don’t just disappear in one day. Therefore, several of yesterday’s key aspects are still sending thunderbolts into human territory as well as the kingdoms of nature. For example, Wednesday’s Jupiter-Saturn, Sun-Pluto, Mars-Pluto, Ceres-Neptune, and Mars-Chiron cosmic associations remain white-hot influences in all of our lives, but they are operating more in the background or in the subconscious universe. In the meantime, we now have several other celestial-body interactions – notably Mercury making an inspirational, 72-degree link to Neptune (12:28AM PDT), Mercury uniting with Ceres (1:04AM PDT), Pallas trine to Juno (11:03AM PDT), the Moon beginning a void lunar uncertainty cycle in Aries at 2:45PM PDT that lasts until 3:04AM PDT tomorrow, Jupiter making a caustic, 135-degree tie to underworld-ruling Pluto (4:23PM PDT), and Pallas entering Aries (9:19PM PDT). We have less interplanetary fisticuffs than yesterday, but like Wednesday the King of the Gods – Jupiter – appears to be in another foul mood. First Jupiter was throwing a haymaker at Saturn (yesterday) and now the largest planet in the solar system is casting aspersions in the direction of distant Pluto. Over the next year, Jupiter will wreak some of his playful havoc on earthlings nine more times as he satisfies the urge to reveal his stature as ringleader of the gods and goddesses who used to rule Ancient Roman society. Whether he deserves our prayers, deference, and rituals of incense burning now is a questionable matter. Overall, there is a similar feeling today as it existed yesterday that you are better off being ultra-careful on the investment and career horizons. Playing with cosmic fire can backfire with nasty consequences. The addition of a fairly long void-of-course Moon is the reminder to be seen, but not heard.

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 16th

Our willpower is intense and our stamina strong as energetic Mars harmonizes with relentless Pluto today. We need this deep reserve of power now because the impulsive Aries Moon triggers quick reactions, but without the follow-through needed to finish what we start. Nevertheless, we still may grow discouraged when we realize that we won’t reach our goals overnight as confident Jupiter runs into an irritating quincunx with taskmaster Saturn.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The Moon’s current visit to your active sign pushes you through some pretty bumpy territory today, but you’re capable of standing up to whatever challenges come your way. Handling the obstacles in your path requires hard work, yet you probably won’t feel depleted now even if you put out a lot of energy. But your good intentions won’t likely be enough; pace yourself and don’t quit, even if you face a minor setback along the way.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your determination comes in handy today as you try to remedy a complex situation that has created its share of stress. Although you might not be able to put everything back together right away, don’t give up. Steer clear of taking a shortcut; temporary patches and quick fixes are not a smart idea. A little extra persistence will help you find a positive solution to the problem.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You aren’t eager to stand up to a powerful person now and even just thinking about a confrontation makes you anxious. Luckily, the process should go more smoothly once you start a constructive conversation. Don’t freeze under pressure; you can outmaneuver nearly anyone if you remain mentally agile. If you are willing to learn from your opponent today, you will probably end up getting exactly what you need from the interaction.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Someone’s bad behavior doesn’t have to be a showstopper if you nip the problem in the bud. However, your plan could backfire if you try to suppress the expression of fear or anger. The smartest way to respond to this tricky situation now is to engage the other person by showing genuine concern and asking probing questions. Once you understand what’s happening, you can deal with the tension out in the open instead of shadowboxing with a hidden enemy.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Concerns about self-worth and net worth are more intertwined than you might think. Thankfully, you may feel quite optimistic because you’re in touch with the power of your emotions today. This is a good time to close a sale or ask for a raise, since your confidence inspires others. If your current actions are supported by your job performance, you are likely to get the money that you want out of the deal.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are feeling special today, but relationships may be so intense now that life seems a bit overwhelming. You are tempted to go overboard by demonstrating your partnering skills because you want to give a special someone a show that he or she won’t forget. Luckily, the results could be extremely rewarding as long as you don’t lose sight of your purpose. If you put too much effort into appearing unrealistically perfect, others might walk away. Simply being yourself is your best strategy.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Maintaining your concentration is nearly impossible today if your curiosity is aroused. It’s difficult to ignore the information that is coming your way now because you realize its significance. However, you might be so sure of yourself that new facts won’t change your mind. Even if you think that you know what to do, remain open to the possibility of changing your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be in a positive state of mind because your plans are unfolding on schedule now. But something is gnawing away at the edges of your awareness, no matter how upbeat you are feeling. Instead of attempting to ignore your pangs of uncertainty, explore the origins of your current doubts. Expand your thinking to integrate your fears; once you adjust to the new landscape, you should be able to navigate around the shadows of your subconscious without being afraid of the dark.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Expressing your feelings today might heat things up more than you expect, so it’s a good idea to proceed slowly. Unfortunately, suppressing your ideas adds tension to your relationships with co-workers. Although it may be challenging to strike a manageable balance between your optimism and your pessimism now, don’t give up. Do your best to keep communication channels open even if there’s no obvious resolution in sight.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be in a very expressive mood today, but what you’re saying isn’t easy for everyone to hear. Your uncharacteristic emotional intensity can surprise others and set them off balance. Yet, you aren’t interested in lighthearted banter; you want to go deep. Don’t waste your energy getting angry with someone who won’t match your serious attitude. Instead of trying to change anyone; observe your feelings and work to transform them in a positive manner.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow restless today, especially if loved ones are being so nice to you that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Other people’s pleasantries might even seem like a sign of weakness. But don’t mistakenly harden your position now just to demonstrate your strength. Practice being strong and yielding at the same time, instead. Staying flexible in thought helps you move through your day with grace and gratitude.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be motivated by a co-worker or partner who seems to have all the answers today. Fortunately, competent peers help you be more productive now, but that isn’t a reason to give up your power to others. Instead look at the role you play in your own success, even if you are just one member on a team. Working with amazing people doesn’t have to rob you of your self-esteem if you’re willing to acknowledge your valuable contribution to the group effort.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

Correspondences for Tuesday, May 15th

Days Of The Week Comments 

Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 15th

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger 
Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.   
Magickal Graphics

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, May 15

We are determined to reach our goals, but may be frustrated because satisfaction seems just out of our grasp as beautiful Venus begins her 6-week retrograde phase. We try to be practical today, yet we are drawn back into our fantasies with the Moon in dreamy Pisces. The Moon’s shift into feisty Aries at 5:45 pm EDT increases our restlessness, but patience is rewarded now that Venus’ harmonious trine to Saturn delays gratification.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Managing your money requires more of your time now that you are attempting to solidify your financial position. You must focus your attention if you have put off your fiscal responsibilities. It’s challenging to deal with the real issues because you are so easily distracted these days. Nevertheless, you can quickly eliminate some unnecessary expenses simply by cutting back on a few social activities. Graciously declining an invitation today gives you more time to get your affairs in order.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Close friends and co-workers may perceive you as being more stable than you currently feel. It’s not that you’re hiding anything from them now; it’s just that you can use your charm to cover up your insecurities. Thankfully, you have a chance to build your self-esteem over the next few weeks, especially if you can be vulnerable with someone you trust. Expressing your uncertainty opens the door to a deeper conversation and a more intimate connection.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Everything seems to be moving too fast, yet you are being given an opportunity to slow down now that sweet Venus turns retrograde in your restless sign. Unfortunately, you might feel that personal relationships are overly complicated, yet you don’t want to lose what you already have gained. Thankfully, if you bring your concerns out into the open in a kind and gentle manner, you can establish an important foundation for whatever comes next.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You’re so close to achieving your goal, but now you may feel like you’re falling short as Venus turns retrograde just before reaching your sign. Whether you like it or not, it’s as if your personal fulfillment has been put on hold. Nevertheless, the weeks ahead can still bring happiness. Just remember that immediate gratification is only temporary, but working toward a meaningful long-term goal sustains your feelings of well-being.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your career objectives continue to be in the spotlight, and you really want your friends and co-workers to appreciate your efforts. Unfortunately, they don’t seem interested in going out of their way now just to make you feel good. Don’t actively seek recognition; pursuing fame only delays the recognition you want. Just stick to the tasks at hand and do the best job you can. The right people will acknowledge your contribution, even if it takes longer than you want.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You have a very realistic attitude about your long-term goals now, but you see two extremely different paths that could lead to the same ultimate destination. Your friends and associates may give you conflicting advice; nevertheless, you still need to make a decision. Instead of listening to everyone else’s opinions, make a list of all the pros and cons for each option. Your judgment will steer you in the right direction today as long as you trust the facts rather than your emotions.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You are particularly sensitive to your key planet Venus as she begins her retrograde cycle today, pulling you backwards in time. Frustrations could get in the way of your creative energy if you try to take a shortcut. But you can be wonderfully productive over the next couple of months if you’re willing to work methodically. Your challenge now is to harness your ambition and turn it into a practical plan that you can put into action.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your insatiable need to understand the deeper significance of things is sufficient to slow you down these days. You are dismayed that others are more driven to have a good time than they are to learn something new. Thankfully, you’re able to lean on a few very special friends from your past for the kind of support that you need. Ultimately, your ability to speak your truth inspires your friends to engage in the intense kind of interaction you seek.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Slow and steady actually has a better chance at winning the race today. But this isn’t just a clever phrase from an old children’s story. You must think like the tortoise now, and take one careful step after the next. If you race ahead like the hare, you’ll only run into difficulties later on. Planning for the distant future is pointless now unless you take care of things in the present moment.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Pragmatic Earth energy abounds today, requiring you to analyze what you know again and again, before altering your direction. Everything at work seems to be moving along rather slowly, increasing your anxiety and triggering fantasies of running away. Although you could benefit from having more time to complete your job than you planned on, the delays can be rather frustrating. Nevertheless, don’t put off working on a project; it’s easier to accomplish something now than you might think at first.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be required to untangle a melodramatic soap opera in which you appear to play a leading role as romantic Venus does her retrograde dance in your 5th House of Love. Even if your life is relatively quiet now, you still could experience several weeks of relationship stress. Thankfully, differences can be resolved with repeated attempts to understand one another through honest dialogue. Compromise is the key to relationship success.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Domestic stress puts you through your paces during the weeks ahead, as Venus backtracks through your 4th House of Home and Family. It feels as if there are serious issues that need your immediate concern and intervention. Just don’t waste your precious energy trying to fix everything all at once. You can’t. Simply acknowledging that it will take time to work everything out can alleviate the pressure and help you cope on a daily basis.

Your Daily Romance Horoscopes for May 15th

Aries

During her last full day in direct motion Venus is working to ensure that your heart has a voice, but also that you are staying in the moment. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but not due to turn retrograde until tomorrow she’s not retracing her steps either, with the here and now the only thing you can focus on.

Taurus

In her last full day in direct motion Venus, planet of love and romance has come to a complete stop, giving you a chance to stay in the moment. This allows you to look out over the next few months in a way that doesn’t require action and chances are you’ll like what you see, even if you can’t explain a buoyant sense of romantic confidence.

Gemini

This is a day for staying in the moment and when it comes to your heart and all things romantic, to hold onto the stillness of the moment. At a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your sign tomorrow Venus is neither moving forward or moving backwards, creating a stillness around your heart that allows you to get inside what you really feel and want.

Cancer

A very busy and active 3 months on the professional front only ended last week and chances are you’re still working to recover the right work/life balance. This is something that will happen naturally and with the door to the past already open on the relationship front and about to open on the romantic front, it’s never too late to make up for lost time.

Leo

The Moon’s visit to your relationship sector over the weekend may have evoked some seemingly contradictory responses, yet there is no right or wrong. There will always be too realities, one the fantasy of what could be and the other the harsh reality checks, with a need to favour neither but instead work on finding a middle ground between the two.

Virgo

As Mars, planet of passion draws closer to an opposition with Chiron, planet of healing in your relationship sector, the more you’re likely to feel personal and relationship pressure building. Yet this is the last hurdle you’ll have to cross and with the Moon in your relationship sector you’re able to get to the bottom of what’s pushing your buttons and why.

Libra

When Mercury, planet of communication left your relationship sector last week he wrapped up an active and defining 3 months on the relationship front, to a point where what you see now is what you’ll get. It’s where Mercury spent time helping you to open the communication lines that you need to take over, ensuring the ball isn’t dropped.

Scorpio

Having the Moon in your romantic sector in what is a powerful and important relationship week gives you a chance to keep things in perspective. While there may be some pressure or tension, it’s more a case that the healing process is underway, for if you can’t feel you can’t heal. Stay in the moment as much as possible.

Sagittarius

As Venus, planet of love spends her last full day in direct motion in your relationship sector this puts you in a bit of a no man’s land. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but because she hasn’t turned retrograde yet she’s not moving backwards either. Forget where you’ve been or where you’re going and stay in the moment.

Capricorn

With the Sun just 6 days away from leaving your romantic sector and Mercury spending his first, last and only full week here, there is a new sense of urgency, as you sense that where you once had plenty of time that this has changed. It’s time to open your eyes to what you want from love, to where you need to take responsibility and work to give your heart a voice.

Aquarius

There is a sense of stillness surrounding your heart today that needs to be protected at all costs, by staying in the moment. Venus, planet of love is at a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your romantic sector tomorrow, but no longer moving forward but having not yet turned back, everything is in suspended animation today.

Pisces

Instead of moving into your romantic sector, as she should have by now Venus, planet of love has come to a standstill ahead of her U turn tomorrow. While she won’t now return until August the romantic conditions will be much better then, as well as buying you extra time now to focus on your relationships

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 15th

The Moon in Pisces makes supportive, 60-degree ties to Jupiter (2:10AM PDT) and the Sun (5:00AM PDT). The first hook-up is a definite mind-expander and optimism-booster. The Moon connection with the Sun – as it is building up to exactitude – is equally auspicious, but in a more general, all-around manner. However, once the Moon and Sun reach their precise 60-degree rapport, the lunar orb becomes void until 2:47PM PDT when the Moon enters fiery Aries. It is during this void uncertainty zone that Venus comes to a halt at 24 degrees of Gemini (7:34AM PDT) and begins six-weeks of retrograde motion that lasts until June 27. Venus is only retrograde every 18 months and it is now an excellent time to review and re-evaluate everything Venusian – love bonds, beauty themes, social activities, your creative artistic expression, ways to save money, your personal magnetism, and your value system – developed since your childhood and through the educational and business realms. It is especially wise for all women to take stock of their primary partnerships and come up with new ways to improve or transform those partnerships. In general, both men and women need to be more sensitive and understanding to the dear ones who help to turn their world around on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. The Moon unites with Pallas in Pisces (1:34PM PDT) toward the end of the void lunar cycle. Problem-solving is in focus, but because the Moon is void-of-course, the solutions to difficulties may not be that easy to realize. Once the Moon enters Aries (2:47PM PDT), be more gung-ho and assertive concerning pet projects, hobbies, arts and crafts. A potentially strong impediment to forward progress may stand in your way since Mars makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Saturn (5:07PM PDT). First it was gentle Venus putting several blips on the cosmic radar screen; now it is the two traditional malefic planets that conspire to add numerous insults to injury. Stay out of trouble to the best of your ability as you need to prepare for a day of many ups and downs tomorrow.

Your Daily Love & Romance Horoscopes for May 14th

Aries

In her final days in direct motion in your communication sector Venus, planet of love is not only slowing down, she’s drawing closer to an alliance with Saturn in your relationship sector. This is giving you a chance to ensure that the communication lines are open on the relationship front, with the promise of second chances ahead.

Taurus

If there is any pressure or roadblocks on the romantic front use this as a chance to both see what’s pushing your buttons and why, but also as an excuse to come out of your corner fighting. Romantic passions are tired of being suppressed and chances are the more you or life’s realities try and suppress them, the more likely they are to rebel.

Gemini

Venus, planet of love has reached a point where it’s obvious that she is not going to leave your sign anytime soon and that you are now into unchartered waters, with this anything but what you would normally expect from the planet of love. Instead of moving on Venus is staying by your side, ready to work with you to turn your love life around.

Cancer

Support between Mercury, planet of communication and Pluto, in retrograde motion in your relationship sector peaks today, giving you a chance to give the past and unsaid words a voice. That won’t always be possible and if you can’t say what needs to be said to the person you’d like to say it to, then still voice it to yourself, setting unsaid words free.

Leo

When the Moon left your relationship sector yesterday he left you with an intuitive understanding of where things stand on the relationship front and having had a chance to tap into old relationship dreams and fantasies. Hold onto this even though the Moon has moved on, for it’s giving you a chance to regain some authenticity.

Virgo

It’s the Moon’s position in your relationship sector today that may be stirring up some emotional responses and pushing some buttons, but it’s also getting your attention ahead of some defining relationship days. Keep this separate from all things romantic, where there is both an opportunity and a challenge to move out of a romantic rut.

Libra

The Moon only left your romantic sector yesterday, but while it will be relatively easy to tap back into the romantic emotions and feelings evoked over the last few days they will evaporate if not nurtured. Hold onto the romantic fantasies and sense of hope this created, breaking some of the seriousness of late.

Scorpio

The Moon’s position in your romantic sector today is giving you an intuitive read on your heart and any pressure or tension that might be building. At what is an important and defining time for your relationships, with the Sun and lucky Jupiter aligned in your relationship sector, strong emotional responses will make it hard to miss what your heart is trying to tell you.

Sagittarius

With Mercury gone from your romantic sector and a very active and defining 3 months behind you, it’s more about keeping things on track while you put more focus on your relationships. It’s in Venus, planet of love’s final days in direct motion in your relationship sector that you need to stay in the moment, refusing to rush or push things.

Capricorn

Having the Moon in your communication sector as an alignment between the Sun and lucky Jupiter in your romantic sector peaks, gives you a chance to give your heart a voice. There is a new sense of urgency developing and a sense that you need to become more proactive, with a chance today to ask for or to verbalise what you want from love.

Aquarius

It’s hard to believe that you’re just 7 days away from a solar eclipse in your romantic sector that will open the door to new beginnings and unexpected opportunities, for right now it seems like things are slowing right down. It seems that way because it is that way with Venus, planet of love slowing things down to a crawl.

Pisces

Pay attention to anything that pushes your buttons or creates some relationship tension, getting behind what’s pushing your buttons and why you’re having the reactions you are. You’re about to move into some intense and potentially challenging relationship days, but there is also the potential for a breakthrough, especially if you pay attention.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, May 14, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, May 13th

This is an uplifting day that can bring us joy as the Sun hooks up with bountiful Jupiter in sensual Taurus. This alignment symbolizes the opportunities we have for happiness, and the confidence that we’ll find satisfaction. Meanwhile, the Moon enters imaginative Pisces at 7:41 am EDT and joins dreamy Neptune, making fantasies seem real. Putting our thoughts into motion is further supported by clever Mercury’s harmonious trine to energetic Mars.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You feel as if everything is going your way today, but you might end up spending more resources than you expect. It’s as if you’re ready to pay the price to have a good time, but you might underestimate the cost. Thankfully, you can rely on your analytical skills to help you navigate through a day of potential excess. Have fun; just remember that the bill will come due once the party is over.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are feeling quite positive now with the Sun-Jupiter conjunction expanding your horizons and empowering you to soar on the wings of your unrestrained optimism. Although you are ready to enjoy yourself today, overindulging your senses could mean a tummy ache or a splitting head tomorrow. Nevertheless, paying attention to your limits doesn’t have to lessen your enjoyment. Play hard without going too far.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You can get by today by doing less work than usual. It’s as if a guardian angel is watching over you, or, perhaps, a close friend comes to your aid just when you need it most. Of course, your positive attitude doesn’t hurt; in fact, self-confidence is a magnet now that attracts good things your way. Don’t second-guess someone’s motives; just graciously accept what is offered with an open heart.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

There’s no need to head off on your own today. In fact, it’s a good idea to surround yourself with friends and family — the more people, the merrier. Being part of group gives you a feeling of belonging to a community or a tribe of like-minded folks. Don’t be afraid to open your heart to the love that’s around you, for whatever you give will return to you many times over.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Although you may be thinking about your professional objectives, you’re not interested in working too hard to reach your goals today. Your confidence is running high and you might even feel as if success is owed to you because of past efforts. Don’t be too cocky or you could inadvertently push away those who want to help you reach your goals. Paradoxically, a little humility goes a long way toward ensuring that you will receive the respect that you deserve.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today you can concentrate your intentions toward the fulfillment of your desires. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you’ll receive everything you want. However, your singular focus can actually bring an increase of abundance — including love — into your life. Don’t miss this opportunity to learn and grow. Take advantage of what life has to offer before it’s too late.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may feel that a long-term phase of inner growth is coming to an end. The power of your positive thinking can be transformed into rewarding action now. Your rich fantasy life turns outward toward social activities as your needs begin to shift. Get ready to swing into action, but don’t overextend your commitments or you’ll quickly regret taking on too much.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

All types of relationships are favored now and it might even seem as if others just want to make you happy. Although you may question someone else’s motives, your suspicions are probably unfounded. Rather than doubting anyone’s integrity, just accept the advice or assistance you receive with appreciation. But don’t succumb to the temptation of expecting more than is actually offered or you’ll end up being disappointed rather than happily surprised with the good news.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Too much of a good thing isn’t always such a good thing. You need to remember now that honoring reasonable limits can help you find satisfaction. You might be carried away by circumstances that start out feeling pleasurable until things grow out of control. Don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself, but keep in mind that excessive indulgence could ultimately bring pain instead of pleasure.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Although your creativity is running high, it’s still difficult to plot a new course of action because there are so many possibilities available. Additionally, if everything is working well enough on its own, you may not want to jeopardize your sense of well-being. Practicality will ultimately rule the roost. Opportunities for personal growth and self-expression are everywhere, but setting priorities enables you to maximize the current potential. Trust your instincts and your chances for success are quite good.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You must filter out the extraneous noise if you are to make the most of your day. You may even need to withdraw from social activities to spend time alone. The greatest opportunities arise now when you are at peace with yourself, rather than when you are interacting with others. Don’t be distracted from your inner process; you’ll do best today by working on your own.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The mists continue to swirl around you, clouding your perceptions of the outer world while increasing your reliance on your intuition. You are at the top of your game now when socializing, as long as you don’t waste time trying to logically figure out what to say next. Don’t worry if you’re not making sense. Instead of thinking your way through a situation, speak directly from your heart. The real rewards of the day are emotional and spiritual rather than material.

Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 8th

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger

Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Monday, April 7th

While Sagittarius Moon usually stimulates goodwill, a happy-go-lucky disposition and the urge for adventure in the great outdoors, these dynamics are present and yet somewhat muted because of the approach of two, highly-charged, challenging sky patterns. Jupiter in Taurus and Uranus in Aries reach a provocative, 45-degree liaison (7:10PM PDT) while Mars makes a contentious, off-kilter 150-degree contact with radical-change agent Uranus (11:46PM PDT). Since these two aspects are far-and-away, the major alignments affecting everyone on Planet Earth today, the early hours may not seem so intense. However, as the hours unfold, unsettled affairs can become more iffy, pressure-filled and volatile. Therefore, it is advisable to keep a low profile across the board for this 24-hour time-period. Have fun in exploring literary and educational pursuits – via the lunar presence in upbeat, goal-oriented Sagittarius – but don’t push a personal agenda with such determination and ego-investment that you wind up alienating colleagues, friends and dear ones during the second half of the day, and especially during the evening hours. If at all possible, avoid everything associated with legal matters, key signings and long-range commitments. At the same time, be as sensitive and nurturing as you can with loved ones on the ropes who need your kindness and support.

Your Daily Correspondence for April 24th

Your Daily Correspondence for Tuesday, April 24th

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger
Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.

Your Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, April 19th

On the second day of April, Ceres formed a fairly rare polarity with Saturn. These two celestial bodies – in combination – have a lot to do with childhood issues, parental figures, and overall family dynamics. Yesterday, Ceres formed a contra-parallel to Saturn and now the Moon is contra-parallel Saturn (2:13AM PDT) and parallel to Ceres (2:47AM PDT) while Mars trines Ceres (3:29AM PDT). Make sure troubled relatives and dear ones have your full support and are out of harm’s way. Communication channels and travel plans are more up-in-the-air than stable as Mercury makes a frictional, 45-degree link to giant Jupiter (6:45AM PDT). It may not help matters that Mercury forms a 30-degree contact with dreamy and yet often confusing Neptune (8:06AM PDT). The Sun shifts gears from fiery Aries to earthy Taurus (9:13AM PDT) for a new 30-day experience in the second sign of the zodiac. Take some of your best ideas and start planting them in fertile soil in the hope of harvesting financial rewards. Your creative artistic expression has a promising glow as the Moon makes a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Venus (11:41AM PDT). Worries and doubts may be temporarily in the driver’s seat overnight as the dark-of-the-moon monthly cycle – where the Sun-Moon phase is at its extreme waning point – is gathering momentum.

Mercury in Aries: Watch Your Mouth!

Mercury in Aries: Watch Your Mouth!

Brace yourself for fast talk and even speedier thoughts

Tarotcom Staff on the topics of mercury, astrology, aries

Mercury is the sprightly planet that impacts how we think and how we express ourselves. Are you ready for fast talk and even speedier thoughts? Brace yourself: Mercury is moving back into always-on-the-go Aries on Monday, April 16 at 3:42 p.m. (PDT) / 6:42 p.m. (EDT), lifting us out of a dreamy daze in how we perceive the world and people around us. As Mercury transitions from peaceful Pisces to bold and brash Aries, our minds and our words will get less poetic and more action-oriented.

Aries is a Fire sign known for being impulsive, so be careful what you say! Comments might come out of your mouth before they’re fully formed, giving them a tinge of sarcasm or even an edge of insult — whether you intend them to or not. And even if we think we know the full impact of our words, there’s the danger that we haven’t thought far enough ahead about the effect they’ll have on those we care about.

At the same time, Aries is the first zodiac sign — literally, a true leader in Astrology. Our thoughts and speech could become more courageous, yes, but more than that, this pioneering sign could make us more innovative, too. It will be easier to think of fresh, brilliant solutions to nagging problems as we receive rushes of fresh inspiration. And with rebellious Uranus in Aries, too, we can really expect this innovative energy to fly off the charts.

But catch this inspiration as fast as it comes, because Aries is not known for being patient. In fact, it may be more difficult to complete everyday tasks if they lack the flavor of excitement.

Here are some tips to embrace the best parts of Mercury in Aries:

Don’t…

…get too caught up in the excitement of the moment; reconsider any commitments you’re about to make.
…allow yourself to get trapped in an argument, because neither you nor your friends or lover will be in the most logical place to resolve an issue.
…jump into too many new things at once.

Do…

…enjoy the fresh perspective you’ll experience when the no-holds-barred warrior sign takes control of your mental life!
…apply your taste for adventure and desire for new experiences to shake up your daily routine.

New Moon Report for April 18th – Mercury in Aries

Mercury in Aries

Monday, April 16, 3:42 pm PDT, 6:42 pm EDT

Mercury’s encore visit to rambunctious Aries emboldens speech and heats up ideas that cooled off when it backed out of this Fire sign on March 23. Now is the time to open channels of communication and pursue fresh fields of study. Patience could be lacking but the excitement of new perspectives provides enthusiasm and the motivation to put our words into action.