the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Your Love Horoscopes for the Week of December 26th

Creating harmony in relationships, both new and old, can be difficult in this last week of 2011. Amorous Venus in freedom-loving Aquarius wants to experiment while passionate Mars in practical Virgo prefers to stick to familiar patterns. Flexibility is needed to maintain peace and end the year on a happy note.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Rest up on Friday night while the Moon is visiting your sleepy 12th house, because it’s firing into your sign early on Saturday morning and turning up the heat in your personal life. You’re hungry for new experiences and are not likely to be thrilled by a traditional and totally predictable New Year’s Eve. Do your best to avoid pushing reluctant individuals to make changes, because they might push back even harder. A less aggressive approach allows others to compromise and meet you halfway.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Friends can warm your heart on Thursday and Friday with the sweet and tender Pisces Moon’s presence in your 11th House of Groups. But you may either be too tired, shy or disinterested to be a hardy partier during the rest of the weekend. A lunar transit in your ultra-private 12th house could have you sitting on the sidelines, or you may simply decide that quiet time with a few trusted people is the best way to ring in the New Year.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Fast talking is fun this weekend, but there’s a risk of rubbing someone the wrong way on Saturday night. Your chatty planet Mercury crashes into a stressful square with combative Mars, which can turn a minor difference of perspective into a major fight. If you’re irritated or impatient, take a break and consider whether you want to argue about a petty detail that can make the night memorable in the wrong way. Your best move might be to smile and shake it off or, if that’s not possible, simply walk away.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You can cuddle up in the comfort of sweet feelings on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday with the Moon swimming in sister Water sign Pisces. But the mood and tempo change on Saturday morning with a lunar shift into impetuous Aries. If you’re ready for a raucous time, you will love the high intensity atmosphere. But if you don’t like to be rushed in the pursuit of pleasure, seek out the company of quieter folks who are happy to slip away to someplace more private.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The Moon rockets into rambunctious Aries on Saturday to put some passion into your weekend. You’re looking for a lively partner and exciting experiences to ring in the new year. Sticking to the usual routine is not likely to be your idea of fun, so make this a time to experiment. Just don’t let unnecessary impatience, a petty disagreement or elaborate plans dowse the fires of discovery that are driving you. Maintaining your generosity of spirit and wicked sense of humor enables you to shine as the life of the party.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Relationships might be especially complicated this week. The Moon’s presence in peaceful Pisces and your 7th House of Partners brings some tender moments and spurs romantic dreams on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. But then a lunar transit into impatient Aries and your 8th House of Deep Sharing on Saturday morning can detonate some emotional bombs. This could be amazing if you’re ready for passion, yet it requires your willingness to take risks to fully enjoy it.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Things are heating up just in time to celebrate the New Year. The mood-setting Moon enters fiery Aries and your 7th House of Partners on Saturday morning to provoke excitement and increase your readiness for new experiences. It helps to have a dynamic partner who is ready for anything to join you in riding this rising wave of passion. Whether you’re into it for one night or for eternity, there are few limits to how far you’re willing to go. Have fun exploring new territory, but don’t get too close to the edge.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You could have a delicious time this week with the imaginative Pisces Moon’s visit to your 5th House of Romance on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. It seems like you can turn fantasies into reality, giving you the surreal feeling that you’re starring in a movie. Promises made and expectations raised encounter a stiff dose of reality starting on Saturday morning. If you’re disappointed over the weekend, don’t allow it to lead to a petty fight. It’s wiser to let go and head in a new direction than to get dragged into a conflict where no one wins.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The Moon blazes into incendiary Aries on Saturday morning to raise your emotional temperature for the weekend. This lunar transit could ignite instant fires of passion in your 5th House of Romance. Falling in love with someone new can happen in an instant, but your need for fresh experiences might put some pressure on an ongoing relationship. Whether you’re celebrating with a partner or friends, incorporating elements of surprise could do the trick. Work your magic and create some new rituals for the New Year that everyone will enjoy.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Entertaining within your comfort zone might be your best bet for New Year’s Eve while the independent Aries Moon visits your 4th House of Roots. Whether this means celebrating with old pals at your favorite watering hole or having people party at your house, it’s important that you feel comfortable. If you’ve been the host in the past, try making the event a little different this year by adding some surprising elements. In fact, a quiet evening alone enjoying some rest and relaxation might sound like the best idea of all.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Don’t let your head get in the way of your heart this weekend. Although this is a time to cut loose and have fun, your analytical mind could get stuck on a subject that becomes contentious. Word games are fun and you enjoy playfully sparring with clever people. Just be smart enough to notice when you or someone else is getting close to the edge of discomfort. Your “live and let live” attitude is an antidote to this potential for conflict. However, a bit of sensitivity keeps the emphasis on fun.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might want to celebrate the New Year early with the Moon’s presence in your magical sign on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. Your emotions may be strong, but your compassion and imagination make this a special time. A lunar shift into impulsive Aries on Saturday intensifies the rest of the weekend with an edge of excitement and a sense of danger in the air. Unless you’re in a risk-taking mood, seek out the safety net of reliable people and predictable places to find your fun.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Beware of short people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Annie B. Bond

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of rodents.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Avoid yodelling today.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Just In Time For The Holidays – Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

Annie B. Bond

Modern science has recently confirmed that the time of year in which we were born can give us valuable information about our health, and serve as predictors for certain conditions. But ancient wisdom has always known that our sun sign can suggest foods which are best suited to us and that can keep us feeling vital and healthy.

Our horoscope can also explain some of those odd food cravings that we sometimes get! (For example, a friend’s son has craved grapes, cucumbers, and black olives since he was little. Can you guess his sign?)

Find out which foods are perfect for your horoscope sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Red fruits and vegetables, garlic, ginger, leeks, onion, radish, rhubarb, tea.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Almond, apple, apricot, beet, cherry, ginger, peach, pear, plum, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Celery, endive, ginger, mushroom, pomegranate, tangerine, seeds.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber, endive, grape, lemon, lentil, lettuce, melon, mushroom, olive, papaya, potato, pumpkin, seaweed, turnip, watermelon.

Leo, July 23-Aug. 22:Almond, chestnut, corn, date, ginseng, grape, grapefruit, lemon, olive, orange, pineapple, rice, walnut.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Almond, barley, beans, celery, fig, hazelnut, millet, oat, pecan, peanut, pistachio, pomegranate.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22:Almond, apple, apricot, artichoke, asparagus, beans, cherry, chestnut, chickpea, fig, grape, lentil, parsnip, peach, pear, pea, plum, pomegranate, rhubarb, strawberry, wheat.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21:Artichoke, asparagus, carrot, garlic, ginger, leek, onion, pepper, pimento, pomegranate, pumpkin, shallot.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21:Almond, apricot, asparagus, buckwheat, chestnut, endive, leek, lime, olive, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry, tomato.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Barley, beet, potato, spinach, root vegetables.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18:Almond, beans, endive, hazelnut, pecan, pistachio.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Coffee, mushroom, seaweed.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Your Horoscope Story

Annie B. Bond

Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.

But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.

Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 19, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 22)

Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

Annie B. Bond

Our sun-sign horoscope can give us a simple but powerful affirmation of what it is we seek in this life. As we begin the new year we could all benefit from this reminder, to help us stay on the path that is right for us.

Find out what your sun sign tells you about your deepest soul nature, and what it is you seek, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I seek my Self. I accept my energy and ability to launch new actions for the betterment and benefit of myself or for others.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I seek my Self through what I have. I use stability and persistence for the benefit of myself and others.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I seek my Self through what I think. My keen perceptive intuition is all that is needed for the evolution of myself and others.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I seek my Self through what I feel. I am the star in a sea of stars, I am Water and the Moon, I provide the haven, the safe haven, in the universe.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I seek my Self through what I create. I am the Monarch of the universe, I am the Heart of hearts. I am the heart of Creative energy.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I seek my Self through what I learn. I am the Magician of the universe. I accept the healing and magical powers I have or will use. The key for tapping into my deeper resource is the ever-increasing acceptance of who I am now.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I seek my Self through what I unite. I hold the celestial balance in my hands; I am the Cosmic Judge. I am the artist and the lover, Peacemaker of the Heavens.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I seek my Self through what I desire. I am the Transformer, I am the Keeper of Mysteries, I am the Mystic.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I seek, therefore I am. I am the Seer of the Zodiac. I am the future now. I remember the future.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I seek my Self through what I use. I am enterprising, the Builder, the Organizer who looks toward higher orders, greater justice, constantly building relationships, families, communities, and countries.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I seek my Self through Humanity. I am the Truth Sayer, the Scientist, the Revolutionary. I am the genius Sign of the Zodiac.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I seek my Self when I don’t seek my Self. I amt he Beloved, I am the Loving, I am the Poet. I am the Divine Dark Warrior, I am the Divine White Healer.

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Your Horoscope Vacation

Cait Johnson

The ideal vacation for a fiery, active Aries will probably look very different than the getaway for a tradition-loving Taurus or a super-organized Virgo, for instance. The wisdom from our sun sign can show us how to get the maximum in soul-nurturance from our summer break.

Find out what your horoscope can tell you about your ideal vacation here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: You will probably prefer a break that includes a lot of physical activity: surfing, kayaking, hiking, or vigorous sightseeing. If the rest of your family prefers loafing on the beach, find ways to stay on an even keel by doing yoga or tai chi in the sand.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Taurus people generally prefer going to places that are familiar and traditional. This year, you might want to hoist yourself out of your rut and go someplace new. Wherever you go, you will find the deepest nurturance in the fertile green energy of nature.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Geminis sometimes find it hard to feel grounded and to quiet their quickly-moving minds. You might consider taking a meditation retreat to help yourself be deeply present and still. If your family wants to do a theme park instead, just make sure you take time to go someplace quiet and simply sit.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: It can be difficult to get sensitive home-loving Cancers to go anywhere, but the seaside is a natural choice if you do decide to leave the safety and comfort of home. Allow the sound of the surf to bring you ease.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Most Leos love vacations that offer plenty of opportunity for your vitality to shine, so anything from karaoke singing to drama workshops to simply being the tour guide for your family may all appeal. You are a natural activities-director and entertainer, so enjoy!

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: It is all too easy for Virgos to get caught up in the details of planning the vacation and forget to relax and be in the moment. But time spent gardening (or visiting famous gardens) or simply indulging in wonderful organic meals will help to soothe you.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony-loving Libras may find they are more focused on pleasing everyone else when it comes to taking a vacation than in pleasing themselves. Be sure to feed your sensitive spirit with plenty of beauty, both natural and human: art museums and natural vistas both will offer soul-food.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Because Scorpios are so drawn to the depths, your ideal vacation may involve a spiritual workshop of some kind, or learning an esoteric practice, or doing deep couples work with your partner. If not, then snorkeling or scuba-diving might offer a literal way for you to explore those depths of which you are so fond.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sparkly Sagittarians usually need plenty of activity and social interaction to feed their souls. Your ideal vacation might involve a group tour of some interesting spot or a glimpse of another culture.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Work-oriented Capricorns usually need to be pried away from their desks and routines with a crowbar, but if you do decide you deserve a break, time spent in the mountains or some other expansive view will help you to unwind.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your fertile imagination will take pleasure in coming up with meaningful activities to share with your closest loved ones. Anything that offers spiritual inspiration will be likely to engage and nurture you.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Because of your dedication to service, your ideal vacation may involve some kind of environmental or social outreach: helping to clean up a park or building a house for the needy may appeal to your altruistic nature. If your family just wants to have fun, you can channel your need to help in smaller but no less important ways.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

the daily humorscope

Friday, December 16, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

Annie B. Bond