Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Your Native American Horoscope

Your Native American Horoscope

  • Annie B. Bond

Many Native American traditions teach that there are twelve Earth Personalities that make up the Earth Medicine Wheel. These form an earth-centered horoscope that gives us valuable information about our totem animal, our personality, and our spirit-task in life. Find out which Earth Personality you are, as well as your totem animal and your principle life-lesson:

March 21 – April 19: The Awakening Time. Falcon.
Your principle lessons: Discovering that happiness comes through sharing, and that individuality need not be selfish but van be expressed more fully when it is in harmony with others.

April 20 – May 20: The Growing Time. Beaver.
Your principle lessons: Your worst emotional traumas are likely to be in those areas of your life in which the tendency to form attachments extends into close personal relationships and becomes possessive. Through the grist of experience you are cultivating flexibility, adaptability, and compassion. You need to give others the “space” to be themselves, just as you demand the space to be “you.”

May 21 – June 20: The Flowering Time. Deer.
Your principle lessons: The rifts you have with others indicate divisions within yourself. You are learning how to co-ordinate that which appears to be contrary but which truly is complementary.

June 21 – July 21: The Long Days Time. Woodpecker.
Your principle lessons: To learn to treasure the moment. Not to dwell on regrets of the past or on expectations of what may be in the future, but to recognize that the power to make changes ins always in the Now! The challenges you face on your Earth “Walk” are to enable you to mature through the experience of closeness. Much stress and anxiety may be caused through tenaciously holding on to what has served its purpose, and through mistaking attachment for love. The ability to let go is often a test of true love.

July 22 – August 21: The Ripening Time. Salmon.
Your principle lessons: You are frequently faced with situations which challenge your stubborn resistance to change, and with the need to become more flexible and adaptable through developing a regard for the emotional needs of others. You are learning to recognized that fulfillment comes not so much through the forcefulness of making things happen, but through allowing things to be.

August 22 – September 21: The Harvesting Time. Brown Bear.
Your principle lessons: Whatever you are searching for is to be found where you are. You are learning to know when to exert energy to effect a change, and when to accept circumstances that cannot be changed.

September 22 – October 22: The Falling Leaves Time. Crow.
Your principle lessons: To gain the inner strength that comes from acting firmly on your convictions, and acquiring the wisdom that results from making sound judgments.

October 23 – November 22: The Frost Time. Snake.
Your principle lessons: Your impatience causes you pain and discomfort, but such traumas are teaching you the need for proper timing. Being confronted with seemingly formidable tasks and difficult tests is part of the regenerative process inherent in your nature, which can enable you to transform what was into that which may now be. Such challenges push you beyond your own self-limitations.

November 23 – December 21: The Long Nights Time. Owl.
Your principle lessons: Learning to manage your potentials by not dissipating your energies in too many directions at once. Attainment of inner sight so you can perceive beyond the obvious, and a warm heart so you can be compassionate towards those who stumble around in the dark.

December 22 – January 19: The Renewal Time. Goose.
Your principle lessons: These are derived from your efforts to arrange and conserve, for their purpose is to teach you self-reliance and self-sufficiency in order to establish your own identity.

January 20 – February 18: The Cleansing Time. Otter.
Your principle lessons: To help you to find the courage to act more on an inner “knowing” than on other peoples expectancies. You are learning to turn visions into practical realities through struggle and even adversity.

February 19 – March 20: The Blustery Winds Time. Wolf.
Your principle lessons: To learn to become more discriminating in facing the demands that are constantly made upon you. The challenges of your life are for the purpose of enabling you to break free from entanglements that are limiting and restrictive, so your horizons can be extended.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

  • Annie B. Bond

‘Tis the season to make New Year resolutions–and to break them just as quickly, at least partly because the very language of most resolutions (“I will lose weight! I will stop smoking!”) is punitive and belittling to the soul. But our horoscope sun-sign can point the way to a life-affirming resolution your spirit can really get behind.

These resolutions speak a powerful, positive language that our spiritual selves respond to, in accordance with what is best in us, and working hand in hand with our deeper purpose in life. Find out the affirming resolution for your sun-sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I will allow my courage to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I will focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I will share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I will trust that my sensitive heart is continually nourished by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I will know that my vital imagination is the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I will give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I will create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I will rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I will speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

 

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I will begin behaving as if my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

 

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I will be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

 

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I will believe that my deep intuition is a benefit to all my relations.

 

Your Daily Horoscopes for December 10th

The tension between our most immediate needs and our future goals is amplified today when the unsettled Gemini Full Moon Eclipse is illuminated by the Sun in far-reaching Sagittarius at 9:36 am EST. Unexpected events can suddenly relieve the stress because erratic Uranus ends its retrograde period. Additional weirdness abounds as the Sun forms otherworldly septiles with conservative Saturn and rebellious Uranus, turning this busy day upside down.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

It’s challenging to find your groove today because the Gemini Lunar Eclipse rattles your 3rd House of Immediate Environment. However, you may finally establish a sustainable rhythm later in the day once your frustration peaks. It’s pointless wasting energy worrying about what you could have done if only you were able to focus sooner. Instead, just do what you can, knowing that your concentration will improve over the days ahead.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Although you probably won’t want to deal with financial concerns today, it’s wise to attend to money matters with the Gemini Lunar Eclipse stressing your 2nd House of Personal Resources. At least make sure your bills are paid before you purchase a luxury item. It’s smart to know exactly how much you have to spend, especially with the holidays rapidly approaching. Keep in mind that the best gifts are the ones that come from the heart and not just the wallet.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You may feel anxious today with the Full Moon Eclipse in your restless sign, especially if you recently made commitments that you’re now reconsidering. Your vulnerability leaves you feeling uncomfortable, tempting you to escape by withdrawing socially or running away from an unsatisfactory romantic involvement. Nevertheless, don’t make any impulsive moves that could adversely affect a meaningful relationship because your emotions are still in a state of flux.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It’s challenging to understand your own feelings today as the Gemini Lunar Eclipse polarizes your 12th House of Fantasy. Although your emotions may be quite intense, frustration is high because words can’t express what you want. Don’t try so hard to get your message across now. It will be much easier to say what you want tomorrow after the Moon enters your sign and you can speak from your heart.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

This could be a very social day as the Gemini Full Moon Eclipse energizes your 11th House of Friends. But the stress level may be amplified because you wish you could have quality time with a special companion instead of being one of the group. However, losing yourself in a crowd isn’t all bad, for it allows you to maintain some anonymity. But it’s a good idea to wait until you’re ready before talking about a topic that you’re not ready to share.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today’s Full Moon Eclipse in adaptable Gemini stimulates your 10th House of Career, revealing your ambiguity about work these days. You’re being pulled in two directions, making it tough to choose a single course of action. Meanwhile, personal activities or projects at home could distract you from professional responsibilities. Postpone major decisions for a few days until you have had more time to think things through.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your desire to go somewhere far away accentuates your restless feelings today as the Gemini Lunar Eclipse activates your 9th House of Adventure. However, the Moon is offset by the Sun in your 3rd House of Immediate Environment, giving you good reasons to stay close to home. Don’t worry if you can’t resolve your current travel dilemma right away. Daydreaming about an incredible journey from the comfort of your couch may be better now than actually taking one at this time.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You might believe that you have chosen the easier path, only to realize that the Gemini Lunar Eclipse in your 8th House of Deep Sharing has drawn you into a complicated emotional situation. Thankfully, you’re quick to establish a healthy perspective; your communication skills come to your aid today as you extricate yourself as gracefully as possible from any unnecessary drama. Remember, it’s your choice; only you can decide where you want to direct your energy now.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’re focusing on the distance now as you dream and scheme your way into the future. You might wish that nothing was standing in your way, but you still may need to stop and consider someone else’s point of view, too. Today’s Gemini Full Moon Eclipse shakes your 7th House of Partners, suggesting the presence of an unseen aspect of a relationship that complicates your current plans. Don’t make any major decisions until you share your thoughts with those you trust.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may have so many chores to do today that you feel pushed and pulled in a variety of directions. The Gemini Full Moon Eclipse in your 6th House of Daily Routine scatters your energy, making it difficult to follow through on any single task. However, you can use your imagination to help create your future. Keep your dreams alive at any cost, even if you’re feeling frustrated because of your lack of progress. Don’t worry; you will soon regain your focus and continue on your path.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Today’s interactive Gemini Lunar Eclipse stimulates your 5th House of Love and Creativity. Actions usually speak louder than words, but communicating your feelings now is the most direct way to connect with others. But don’t get distracted by witty phrases and clever comebacks. Hold on to your vision of what you want to say and keep bringing yourself back to the essential point so that your message is well-received.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may have community responsibilities today, but the Gemini Full Moon Eclipse in your 4th House of Home and Family encourages you to remember the importance of your personal life, too. Naturally, you must keep up with your worldly obligations, but don’t use them as an excuse to evade domestic issues. Balancing your public life with your private affairs helps to minimize problems in the future.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 10th

Stop, look and listen! Not only is Uranus still motionless in early Aries, but a potent New Moon (energizing 19 degrees of Sagittarius and Gemini) clocks in at 6:37AM PST – just 4 minutes after a Total Lunar Eclipse occurs at 6:33AM PST. Individual and group meditations are encouraged. Send out your healing thoughts and prayers to friends, family, associates, and the kingdoms of nature. Open the gates of knowledge and see yourself evolving as a wisdom-keeper. Realize that the simultaneous station of Uranus is adding an enormous dynamism to today’s potential achievements across the board. New ideas, containing enormous power to change the consciousness of the masses, are streaming into the Earth – just waiting for your eager mind to seize the day and turn your life around for the ultimate good. While everything that is serious and profound is accentuated – thanks to both the presence of the Full Moon as well as a flowing trine from the Moon in Gemini to Saturn in Libra (11:06PM PST) – word, board or card games can top the charts. Put more oomph into beloved hobbies and favorite arts and crafts. Weather permitting – fly a kite, kick a soccer ball around or toss the Frisbee to a pal or well-trained pet canine. Watch out for the shadow side of the Sagittarius and Gemini energy-field which sometimes create split-personality vibrations and dualistic thinking that sustain unnecessary worries and self-doubts. Focus more on helping and nurturing dear ones than pushing your own agenda.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

By Sage Romano, DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

 

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
 

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Friday, December 9th

The two days before any Full Moon are a 48-hour time-period of preparation for the enlightenment that can descend into humanity and every soul who is seeking spiritual illumination. We are well within that 48-hour window of potential inspiration since the Full Moon – combined with a Total Lunar Eclipse – will happen tomorrow morning. However, there is an added dose of higher vibrations waiting to come through the cosmic pipeline and into the human kingdom on Earth as Uranus in Aries is poised to make its official station – turning from reverse to direct – tonight at 11:05PM PST. Today’s combination of curious, eager and adaptable Gemini Moon with a stationary Uranus – a key agent of revolutionary changes, flashes of genius, shock waves, surprises, and breakthroughs or breakdowns in consciousness – can be quite a handful. Think more about your exalted destiny in this lifetime and how you can exert your leadership qualities to enhance the flow of goodwill around our beleaguered home planet in the solar system. Be aware that Uranus is also stopping at the first degree of Aries – the same place it was located in back in March 2011 when the zodiacal year began with an exceedingly rare Sun-Uranus union at the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere. The forces of personal liberation and freedom from tyrannical forms of authoritarian control are spreading like wildfires across nations and continents – part of a larger cycle of Uranus entering Aries every 84 years and synchronizing with tumultuous shifts on terra firma.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

Your Horoscope Colors for Luck and Success

Your Horoscope Colors for Luck and Success

  • Cait Johnson

Friday the 13th is said to be the unluckiest of days. Find out the colors for your horoscope that promise luck and success, and leave the bad luck behind.

Good luck usually follows when we align with our true selves, so wearing or surrounding ourselves with the colors that are best for our sun sign can really help!

Aries,March 21-April 19: Think of fiery hues–red, hot pink, yellow.

Taurus,April 20-May 21: Think of a garden in early summer–soft greens, rose-pinks, pale turquoise.

Gemini,May 22-June 20: Think of inspiring early-spring airiness–white, silver, yellow, spring green, pale gray.

Cancer,June 21-July 22: Think of moonlit seascapes–pale blue, silver, pearl, glistening white, emerald green.

Leo,July 23- Aug 22: Think of sunny and positive tones–gold, yellow, orange, vermilion, copper, blood red.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Think of colors of nature in summer and early Fall–pastel shades of blue, gold, peach, yellow, and amethyst; jade green, autumn hues.

Libra,Sept 23-Oct 22: Think of goddess-like dignity–royal blue, cerulean blue, rose-pink, amethyst, violet.

Scorpio,Oct 23-Nov 21: Think of mysterious and occult shades–deep, dark shades of red, russet-brown, shadow-black, stone-gray.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Think of stained-glass colors–lilac, mauve, purple, amethyst, violet, indigo, vermilion, midnight blue.

Capricorn,Dec 22-Jan 19: Think of neutral and earthy shades–black, gray, violet, dark brown, earth colors.

Aquarius,Jan 20-Feb 18: Think of neon rainbow colors–electric and ultramarine blue, electric green, deep violet.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Think of marine tones–purple, violet, amethyst, sea-green, turquoise.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, December 8th

The clock is ticking louder as we near both the official turnaround of Uranus – from reverse to direct in Aries – tomorrow night while the potent Full Moon (also a Total Lunar Eclipse) will occur the following morning on Saturday December 10. Wow! While last weekend was filled with martial intensity and void lunar uncertainty, there is an extraordinary vibration of high-level genius that is ready to descend on humanity and awakened individuals from December 9 to 11. Meanwhile, the two largest celestial bodies – the Sun and Jupiter – play cat-and-mouse games early today as they make a dicey, 135-degree link (12:44AM PST). Overdoing a good thing and being too self-centered will boomerang. A touch of humility is the right celestial seasoning to start this day. Fashion, style, elegance and beauty are themes some 11 hours later when Venus makes a supportive, 60-degree tie to Juno (11:48AM PST). Check out the latest designs on the apparel, jewelry and art fronts. Your creative imagination and psychic sensitivity can be clicking on all cylinders – thanks to an inspirational, 72-degree tie from the Sun to Neptune (12:03PM PST). Where you may need to slow your tempo in pragmatic business matters is during the void lunar cycle in Taurus that starts at 3:40PM PST and continues until 6:53PM PDT. Complete odds and ends during this 3+ hour uncertainty zone, and then move forward with key communications and literary pursuits once the Moon enters airy Gemini (6:53PM PST). Light-hearted discussions, arts, crafts and beloved hobbies are in the spotlight for the rest of the evening

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective

The Magical Tool for Your Sun Sign

The Magical Tool for Your Sun Sign

  • Annie B. Bond

While most of us know that a good sun-sign horoscope can teach us about our characteristics, and even our soul-task in life, did you know that we were each given a magical tool at birth to help us?

We could all use a little help. Find out what the magical tool is that can help you achieve your spirit-goals, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.

 

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 2

the daily humorscope 

Friday, December 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.

Sunsign Lucky Directions

Sunsign Lucky Directions

Which direction is lucky for you? Based on your astrological sun sign, find out all about your lucky direction. Should you study facing the east or the north west? Will the west bring you good news or will it be the South?

Sunsign Aries-
If your sun sign is Aries, your lucky direction for love is the east. By heading east, you are most likely to meet someone special. It may be love at first sight for you. For studies and career growth, the north will bring you luck Aries. The South east will be lucky financially, for all of you who belong to the zodiac sign Aries.

Sunsign Taurus-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Taurus, you will find the north east to be lucky for you in terms of love, romance and marriage. To enhance your career, the east direction will be lucky for you, Taurus. For financial luck, the north west direction will be lucky and will bring you good fortune.

Sunsign Gemini-
If your sunsign is Gemini; you will find the North West to be extremely lucky and good for your love life. Chances of meeting someone exciting in this direction are high. You will notice a visible growth in your career and see a lot of improve by heading towards the east. Financially, your luck will improve if you take all important decisions facing the north.

Sunsign Cancer-
For those of you who belong to the zodiac sign Cancer, your lucky direction for finding love is the north. Head out for a romantic vacation to some place towards the east. For growth in terms of your career, the west will be lucky for you Cancer. Financial luck will come to you if you make some investments in the north western direction.

Sunsign Leo-
If your zodiac sign is Leo, you will find the north east to be very lucky for you in terms of love and romance. You will finally meet the partner of your dreams if you head in this direction. Leo will find the east to be lucky for career related matters. Financially, the north will bring good luck and prosperity for Leo.

Sunsign Virgo-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Virgo you will find the north to be lucky for your love life. It will finally bring you that someone special you have been waiting for! For growth in career and meeting your career ambitions, the south east will be lucky. For financial luck, Virgo must take decisions facing the north or the east.

Sunsign Libra-
If your sunsign is Libra, you will find love towards your lucky direction north west. Career wise, you must take all your important decisions facing the east. It will bring you good results. You will gain financially by making investments towards the north.

Sunsign Scorpio-
If your sunsign is Scorpio, you will find love towards the west. To attract luck and boost your career prospects, always take decisions facing the northwest. Financially, the east direction will bring you luck and prosperity.

Sunsign Sagittarius-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Sagittarius, you will find the North West direction to be lucky for love related matters. The south will bring you new opportunities and help you grow professionally. For financial luck, take all important decisions facing the east.

Sunsign Capricorn-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Capricorn, you will find the north to be lucky for all love related matters. Attract luck in your career by heading to the south direction. You will gain financially, by taking all important decisions facing the south east direction.

Sunsign Aquarius-
Aquarius, your lucky direction for love is the north. You are likely to meet someone very charming if you head to the north. Growth and new opportunities are likely to come your way from your lucky direction, east. Financial luck is indicated to come from the North West direction.

Sunsign Pisces-
If you belong to the sun sign Pisces, you will attract love by heading to the north. Employment opportunities and good news in terms of your career will come to you from the west. Financially, you will gain by taking decisions facing the east Pisces.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.