the daily humorscope

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Beware of iguanas, today.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

Cosmic Calendar for January 2nd

The New Year holiday spirit may stay in effect for this first Monday of 2012. However, instead of the trio of harmonious alignments that arrived yesterday morning, you have a tougher path ahead as Venus forms a dicey, 45-degree link to radical-change agent Uranus (8:11AM PST) while the Moon in Aries makes its monthly opposition with Saturn in Libra (11:02AM PST). Shortly thereafter, the Moon begins a void uncertainty zone at 12:08PM PST that lasts until 2:17PM PST. Pushing your personal agenda at all cost won’t win you any friends or supporters. It is wise to be conservative in the true sense of the word. During any void twilight zone, the standard rule of thumb is that it is all right to finish old business on a high note, but leave the initiation of new projects until the lunar orb enters the next sign – in this case Taurus (2:17PM PST). Once the Moon is firmly entrenched on Taurean terrain for the next 2+ days, practical matters and business affairs are on center stage. In addition, it is fine to clean the garden shed and organize tools and equipment for the growing season. Meanwhile, euphoria and levity can strike without warning as the Moon makes its first union of 2012 with Jupiter (3:15PM PST). This Moon-Jupiter merger is more exuberant than others because this is the initial lunar conjunction with our largest planet in the solar system since Jupiter shifted from reverse to direct on December 25, 2011. The bottom line is that there is extra success and achievement vibes waiting in the wings. Hopefully, you can tap into these vibrations and energize a key entrepreneurial undertaking that will lead to huge rewards down the road.

the daily humorscope

Monday, January 02, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Hide.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, Jan. 1

Stop, look and listen intently as a New Year dawns. Even though the Moon is in assertive, dynamic and fiery Aries, last night’s Mercury-Mars face-off as well as the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase may be making you see double this morning. While caution was definitely a key watchword in the previous 24 hours, a thaw seems to be in the cards as the Sun forms an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with beautiful, ringed Saturn (12:19AM PST) while the Moon forms a supportive, 60-degree tie to love-enhancing Venus (7:04AM PST) and the Moon also chimes in by making a mind-expanding parallel to giant Jupiter (10:23AM PST). Literary and educational pursuits look promising tonight – courtesy of a flowing trine of 120-degrees between the Moon and Mercury in fire signs (8:57PM PST). If you are feeling a sense of constraint and limitation and don’t know why, you may want to chalk it up to a close Jupiter-Saturn polarity – from early Taurus to late Libra – that will never reach an exact opposition. For the next two weeks, these two largest planets in our solar system will appear to be approaching a 180-degree connection, but they will fail to do so because Jupiter’s forward speed will start increasing more than Saturn’s pace as the latter slows down and gets ready for a retrograde station on February 7. Nevertheless, Jupiter and Saturn already opposed one another twice in 2010 and once in March 2011. Therefore, the near-miss they are experiencing now is welcome news for all of us.

the daily humorscope

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 31st

The year 2011 is now going to end – not with a whimper, but more likely a bang. The reasons are numerous. First of all, yesterday’s void lunar adventure in watery Pisces ends at 1:49AM PST this morning when the Moon enters fiery, assertive Aries. Thus, this last day of the year carries the essence of independent, forceful Ram-vibrations. Meanwhile, the Moon quickly unites with Uranus (3:29AM PST) – the radical-change agent planet that also stimulates liberation movements, one of the major themes around the globe during the past 12 months. Emotional storms as well as some partnership upheavals can coincide with a Juno-Pluto 45-degree connection (5:30AM PST). Later on, the best alignment today occurs when Mercury in Sagittarius forms an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with Chiron in Pisces (5:16PM PST). Hang on to these healing, revelatory and soulful energies as you may need them during the remaining evening hours. The key challenges tonight – which could short-circuit vital communications and coincide with some psychic meltdowns – come from Mercury squares Mars (10:07PM PST) shortly before the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase arrives (activating 11 degrees of Capricorn and Aries at 10:16PM PST). Realize that a quarter-moon vibration is a square aspect of 90-degrees from Sun to Moon – when you primarily need to cut through obstacles blocking your path. Therefore, this year ends with Mercury-Mars and Sun-Moon squares – both of which are waxing in intensity or increasing in light. There is a clear message here that humanity needs to understand the esoteric message of experiencing Harmony through Conflict – the keynote of one of the seven rays associated with the seven colors of the rainbow linking heaven to earth. When you are making New Year’s resolutions, keep in mind that the first day of 2012 actually carries a much more buoyant and optimistic tone than the last 24-hour time-period of 2011.

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Dec. 30th

Learn to roll with the psychic punches as the Moon parallels Uranus (12:05AM PST) while the Moon in Pisces squares Mercury in Sagittarius (1:41AM PST) and the Moon opposes Mars (5:39AM PST). These three aspects may not be the most important ones in the astrological deck, but as a trio, they can shake up the status-quo this morning. In addition, the Moon-Mars polarity starts a fairly long void lunar cycle that lasts until 1:49AM PST tomorrow when the Moon will enter fiery Aries. Therefore, most of today’s activities take place with a Moon in uncertain terrain and meandering in the last sign of the zodiac. This can be helpful if you want to retreat from the maddening crowd and restore your soul-personality alliance via meditation and reflection. Productivity across the board can still rise – thanks to the monthly Moon-Ceres union at 2:31PM PST. This lunar rapport with the largest asteroid doubles as a support for changing your diet along better nutritional lines. Be more nurturing to maternal figures, children and pets in your family circle. Get extra rest tonight as the last day of 2011 appears to be a humdinger and not of the most exalted kind.

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Angst day, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

Annie B. Bond

‘Tis the season to make New Year resolutions–and to break them just as quickly, at least partly because the very language of most resolutions (“I will lose weight! I will stop smoking!”) is punitive and belittling to the soul. But our horoscope sun-sign can point the way to a life-affirming resolution your spirit can really get behind.

These resolutions speak a powerful, positive language that our spiritual selves respond to, in accordance with what is best in us, and working hand in hand with our deeper purpose in life. Find out the affirming resolution for your sun-sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I will allow my courage to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I will focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I will share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I will trust that my sensitive heart is continually nourished by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I will know that my vital imagination is the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I will give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I will create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I will rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I will speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I will begin behaving as if my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I will be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I will believe that my deep intuition is a benefit to all my relations.

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, December 27th

We are eager to express our thoughts because information flows more freely now that quicksilver Mercury has regained its normal speed since its recent retrograde. Additionally, mental Mercury joins the karmic North Node of the Moon, deepening current conversations by connecting them to important issues from our past. The Moon’s supportive sextile to Mercury elevates the importance of subjective emotions and encourages us to share our feelings.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Although you might bump into resistance when sharing your plan today, your thoughts could be so intense that you end up revealing more than is necessary. It’s not that your ideas are too controversial to talk about; it’s just that you would be better off taking more time to develop them before involving others. Fortunately, waiting until you’re ready will improve the chances of getting others to support your plan.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your good intentions should carry you far today, but reaching for the stars isn’t enough to ensure that you’ll get there. You are eager to meet your obligations, but things could get complicated if you ignore important details. Don’t just push your way forward without a sound plan; paying careful attention to how all the little pieces fit together enables you to accomplish more than you expect.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your enthusiasm can fuel a conversation today, enabling it to go off in many exciting directions. You are eager to participate in dialogues that explore the possibilities before you, but it will take more than dynamic interactions to make the best ideas take shape. In fact, too much talking might be a tricky way to avoid the reality of how much work you must do. Don’t let your overactive mind hijack your day; manage your obligations so you have time for physical activities, too.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You aren’t sure of how much you need to divulge today because you don’t want to scare off your best allies. Although your story could be compelling, it may be too intense for some of your colleagues to handle. Don’t just make a one-size-fits-all announcement; instead interact with each person on a one-to-one basis. It’s more sensible not to say any more than what is necessary. Be cautious and save the full disclosure for when you’re sure that the time is right.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Someone can teach you something very important now, yet it’s challenging to let the message come through if you believe you already have the answers you need. You could miss an opportunity to make a breakthrough in a relationship if you’re unwilling to be vulnerable. Fortunately, today’s lesson will likely be gift-wrapped and sugar coated because the Moon joins sweet Venus in your 7th House of Others. If you become aware of your own resistance, consciously soften your stance when engaged in a conversation.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Your ruling planet Mercury is in the spotlight today, prompting opinionated interactions with colleagues. A relationship that has been limited to the workplace may cross over the line and begin to transform into a real friendship. Don’t put up artificial barriers; just allow the conversation to flow naturally and deal with any emotional issues as they arise.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s not easy to express yourself spontaneously today, especially if your role at work requires you to keep your personal feelings to yourself. Fortunately, you may discover that you can share your inner process with an acquaintance, but you need to be selective or you’ll end up wishing that you didn’t say anything at all. Don’t expect too much at first or you’ll be discouraged. If you are committed to sharing what’s in your heart, things should get better once your workday is done.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be feeling very private today about your future plans, so it’s wise to keep thinking about what you want to do before sharing your thoughts with anyone else. It isn’t that you’re afraid of what someone might say; it’s just that you still need time to contemplate until you know how you truly feel. Don’t allow others to talk you into disclosing anything before you’re ready.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may be too eager to adjust your schedule if something comes up that seems important. However, canceling an existing appointment at the last minute could create problems, rather than solve them. It’s not wise to act impulsively if your decision involves others. Before you decide on a new course of action, consider the impact your behavior will have on everyone else. If it still seems urgent, go ahead with the necessary changes.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be unclear about your current financial picture, which could lead you to make a bad decision today. You might have made a mistake while calculating an account balance or, perhaps, underestimated the cost of a large purchase. Confront the issue promptly by getting all your facts straight first. It doesn’t matter if a money problem is big or small; it will be more difficult to handle if you don’t take care of it now.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may have an exciting vision that you want to share with your co-workers or friends today. You assume they will hear you out and support you as you strive to fulfill your dreams. However, it’s important to realize that your current disclosure needs to be an all-or-nothing one; you won’t be able to get away with sharing only part of your idea. There’s no room for secrets now, so make sure you have all the data necessary to tell your whole story.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your enthusiasm about your career can be quite contagious today, but you could alienate others if you get too carried away by all the possibilities. Thankfully, your clear communication is able to bring out the best in others now. However, there’s a fine line between the power of positive thought and the danger of blind optimism. Tempering your rosy outlook with realism should be enough to prevent problems in the next few days.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Your Love Horoscopes for the Week of December 26th

Creating harmony in relationships, both new and old, can be difficult in this last week of 2011. Amorous Venus in freedom-loving Aquarius wants to experiment while passionate Mars in practical Virgo prefers to stick to familiar patterns. Flexibility is needed to maintain peace and end the year on a happy note.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Rest up on Friday night while the Moon is visiting your sleepy 12th house, because it’s firing into your sign early on Saturday morning and turning up the heat in your personal life. You’re hungry for new experiences and are not likely to be thrilled by a traditional and totally predictable New Year’s Eve. Do your best to avoid pushing reluctant individuals to make changes, because they might push back even harder. A less aggressive approach allows others to compromise and meet you halfway.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Friends can warm your heart on Thursday and Friday with the sweet and tender Pisces Moon’s presence in your 11th House of Groups. But you may either be too tired, shy or disinterested to be a hardy partier during the rest of the weekend. A lunar transit in your ultra-private 12th house could have you sitting on the sidelines, or you may simply decide that quiet time with a few trusted people is the best way to ring in the New Year.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Fast talking is fun this weekend, but there’s a risk of rubbing someone the wrong way on Saturday night. Your chatty planet Mercury crashes into a stressful square with combative Mars, which can turn a minor difference of perspective into a major fight. If you’re irritated or impatient, take a break and consider whether you want to argue about a petty detail that can make the night memorable in the wrong way. Your best move might be to smile and shake it off or, if that’s not possible, simply walk away.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You can cuddle up in the comfort of sweet feelings on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday with the Moon swimming in sister Water sign Pisces. But the mood and tempo change on Saturday morning with a lunar shift into impetuous Aries. If you’re ready for a raucous time, you will love the high intensity atmosphere. But if you don’t like to be rushed in the pursuit of pleasure, seek out the company of quieter folks who are happy to slip away to someplace more private.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The Moon rockets into rambunctious Aries on Saturday to put some passion into your weekend. You’re looking for a lively partner and exciting experiences to ring in the new year. Sticking to the usual routine is not likely to be your idea of fun, so make this a time to experiment. Just don’t let unnecessary impatience, a petty disagreement or elaborate plans dowse the fires of discovery that are driving you. Maintaining your generosity of spirit and wicked sense of humor enables you to shine as the life of the party.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Relationships might be especially complicated this week. The Moon’s presence in peaceful Pisces and your 7th House of Partners brings some tender moments and spurs romantic dreams on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. But then a lunar transit into impatient Aries and your 8th House of Deep Sharing on Saturday morning can detonate some emotional bombs. This could be amazing if you’re ready for passion, yet it requires your willingness to take risks to fully enjoy it.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Things are heating up just in time to celebrate the New Year. The mood-setting Moon enters fiery Aries and your 7th House of Partners on Saturday morning to provoke excitement and increase your readiness for new experiences. It helps to have a dynamic partner who is ready for anything to join you in riding this rising wave of passion. Whether you’re into it for one night or for eternity, there are few limits to how far you’re willing to go. Have fun exploring new territory, but don’t get too close to the edge.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You could have a delicious time this week with the imaginative Pisces Moon’s visit to your 5th House of Romance on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. It seems like you can turn fantasies into reality, giving you the surreal feeling that you’re starring in a movie. Promises made and expectations raised encounter a stiff dose of reality starting on Saturday morning. If you’re disappointed over the weekend, don’t allow it to lead to a petty fight. It’s wiser to let go and head in a new direction than to get dragged into a conflict where no one wins.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The Moon blazes into incendiary Aries on Saturday morning to raise your emotional temperature for the weekend. This lunar transit could ignite instant fires of passion in your 5th House of Romance. Falling in love with someone new can happen in an instant, but your need for fresh experiences might put some pressure on an ongoing relationship. Whether you’re celebrating with a partner or friends, incorporating elements of surprise could do the trick. Work your magic and create some new rituals for the New Year that everyone will enjoy.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Entertaining within your comfort zone might be your best bet for New Year’s Eve while the independent Aries Moon visits your 4th House of Roots. Whether this means celebrating with old pals at your favorite watering hole or having people party at your house, it’s important that you feel comfortable. If you’ve been the host in the past, try making the event a little different this year by adding some surprising elements. In fact, a quiet evening alone enjoying some rest and relaxation might sound like the best idea of all.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Don’t let your head get in the way of your heart this weekend. Although this is a time to cut loose and have fun, your analytical mind could get stuck on a subject that becomes contentious. Word games are fun and you enjoy playfully sparring with clever people. Just be smart enough to notice when you or someone else is getting close to the edge of discomfort. Your “live and let live” attitude is an antidote to this potential for conflict. However, a bit of sensitivity keeps the emphasis on fun.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might want to celebrate the New Year early with the Moon’s presence in your magical sign on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. Your emotions may be strong, but your compassion and imagination make this a special time. A lunar shift into impulsive Aries on Saturday intensifies the rest of the weekend with an edge of excitement and a sense of danger in the air. Unless you’re in a risk-taking mood, seek out the safety net of reliable people and predictable places to find your fun.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Beware of short people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Annie B. Bond

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

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