Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 2

the daily humorscope 

Friday, December 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.

Sunsign Lucky Directions

Sunsign Lucky Directions

Which direction is lucky for you? Based on your astrological sun sign, find out all about your lucky direction. Should you study facing the east or the north west? Will the west bring you good news or will it be the South?

Sunsign Aries-
If your sun sign is Aries, your lucky direction for love is the east. By heading east, you are most likely to meet someone special. It may be love at first sight for you. For studies and career growth, the north will bring you luck Aries. The South east will be lucky financially, for all of you who belong to the zodiac sign Aries.

Sunsign Taurus-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Taurus, you will find the north east to be lucky for you in terms of love, romance and marriage. To enhance your career, the east direction will be lucky for you, Taurus. For financial luck, the north west direction will be lucky and will bring you good fortune.

Sunsign Gemini-
If your sunsign is Gemini; you will find the North West to be extremely lucky and good for your love life. Chances of meeting someone exciting in this direction are high. You will notice a visible growth in your career and see a lot of improve by heading towards the east. Financially, your luck will improve if you take all important decisions facing the north.

Sunsign Cancer-
For those of you who belong to the zodiac sign Cancer, your lucky direction for finding love is the north. Head out for a romantic vacation to some place towards the east. For growth in terms of your career, the west will be lucky for you Cancer. Financial luck will come to you if you make some investments in the north western direction.

Sunsign Leo-
If your zodiac sign is Leo, you will find the north east to be very lucky for you in terms of love and romance. You will finally meet the partner of your dreams if you head in this direction. Leo will find the east to be lucky for career related matters. Financially, the north will bring good luck and prosperity for Leo.

Sunsign Virgo-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Virgo you will find the north to be lucky for your love life. It will finally bring you that someone special you have been waiting for! For growth in career and meeting your career ambitions, the south east will be lucky. For financial luck, Virgo must take decisions facing the north or the east.

Sunsign Libra-
If your sunsign is Libra, you will find love towards your lucky direction north west. Career wise, you must take all your important decisions facing the east. It will bring you good results. You will gain financially by making investments towards the north.

Sunsign Scorpio-
If your sunsign is Scorpio, you will find love towards the west. To attract luck and boost your career prospects, always take decisions facing the northwest. Financially, the east direction will bring you luck and prosperity.

Sunsign Sagittarius-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Sagittarius, you will find the North West direction to be lucky for love related matters. The south will bring you new opportunities and help you grow professionally. For financial luck, take all important decisions facing the east.

Sunsign Capricorn-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Capricorn, you will find the north to be lucky for all love related matters. Attract luck in your career by heading to the south direction. You will gain financially, by taking all important decisions facing the south east direction.

Sunsign Aquarius-
Aquarius, your lucky direction for love is the north. You are likely to meet someone very charming if you head to the north. Growth and new opportunities are likely to come your way from your lucky direction, east. Financial luck is indicated to come from the North West direction.

Sunsign Pisces-
If you belong to the sun sign Pisces, you will attract love by heading to the north. Employment opportunities and good news in terms of your career will come to you from the west. Financially, you will gain by taking decisions facing the east Pisces.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to doodle.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Our Horoscope Trouble Spots

Our Horoscope Trouble Spots

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Astroshamanism, Book 2, by Franco Santoro (Findhorn Press, 2003).

Every sun sign of the zodiac has its weaknesses, and knowing what they are can be a valuable help to us as we craft our lives. After all, we will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors if we have a heads-up about the ones that might be troublesome or difficult for us!

Find out the trouble spots for your sun-sign, so you can downplay them, (or avoid them altogether!) here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Aggressiveness, competition, contempt, hostility, impatience, irritability, stress, wilfulness.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Fear and denial of the non-material, greed, materialism, over-indulgence, possessiveness, stubbornness, resistance.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Ambiguity, cheating, criticalness, cunning, carelessness, deception, flattery, forgetfulness, gossip, indecisiveness, nervousness, unreliability.

Cancer, June 21-July 22:Attachment to past, co-dependency, emotional instability, food addiction, insecurity, moodiness, neediness, obsessive romanticism, possessiveness.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22:Arrogance, conceit, destructives, narcissims, ostentation, pompousness, shallowness.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22:Frustration, fussiness, guilt, hypochondria, hyper-criticism, insecurity, nit-picking, over-perfectionism, pedantry, pessimism, restlessness, servility, work-addition, worry.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22:Ambivalence, compromise, dependence, exploitation of relationships for ego gain, extravagance, frivolity indecisiveness, indolence, narcissism, procrastination, wastefulness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21:Control, defensiveness, guilt, inflexibility, isolation, jealousy, manipulation, morbidity, obsession, obstinacy, possessiveness, resentment, secretiveness, self-hate, vindictiveness.


Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21:Conceit, dissipation, exaggeration, exhibitionism, extravagance, fanaticism, ill-judgment, inflation, irresponsibility, laziness, pretentiousness, recklessness, self-righteousness, self-indulgence, superficiality.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Apprehensiveness, coldness, dogmatism, fear of change, maliciousness, manipulation, mistrustfulness, narrow-mindedness, over-materialism, pessimism, rigidity, self-repression, stubbornness, suspiciousness.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Addiction to change, aggressiveness, autocracy, brusqueness, eccentricity, explosiveness, intolerance, irresponsibility, perversity, unreliability, urge to shock.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Addiction, escapism, dishonesty, dramatization, gullibility, hysteria, hypersensitivity, impracticality, irrationality, self-deception, self-indulgence, shyness, vagueness, victimization.

 

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 25th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 25, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I’m certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of “skipping” shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

New Moon Report for Nov. 24 – New Moon Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius

New Moon Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius

Thursday, November 24, 10:10 pm PST, Friday, November 25, 1:10 am EST

New Moons are usually characterized by a sense of freshness and initiative, but this one is a solar eclipse that puts a backward spin on the lunation cycle. Even though it’s in forward-thinking Sagittarius, the Moon’s shadow crossing the Sun is a reminder to take a step back and rethink our beliefs and re-examine our ideas about the future. Letting go of outdated expectations and rigid moral judgments is necessary before progress can be made. Inventive Uranus in Aries’ favorable trine to this Sun-Moon conjunction opens channels of innovation, but a tense square from energetic Mars in efficient Virgo demands a high degree of attention to current tasks.

The New Moon in visionary Sagittarius casts eyes toward distant horizons of unexplored possibilities. However, this lunation is a solar eclipse that will punish runaway egos and irresponsible behavior. The success of great journeys is built on carefully planned steps that may seem trivial or tedious at the time, yet can take us as far as our imaginations can go.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 24

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Adapted from Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

 

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

The grounded grace and benign presence of trees have both awed and comforted humans since our earliest beginnings. In both Native American and Celtic tradition, every season has its tree-spirits. In astrology, too, each sun-sign has special trees standing guard over it, sharing their healing energy.

Find out which trees hold a magical healing key for your sun-sign here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Holly, thorn, chestnut

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Almond, apple, walnut, ash, sycamore, cherry, myrtle

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Elder, filbert

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Willow, sycamore

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Palm, laurel, pine, oak

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Hazel, elder

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Almond, walnut, plum, myrtle, apple

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Holly, blackthorn

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mulberry, chestnut

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Pine, cypress, yew, spruce, holly

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Pine

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Willow, elm, linden

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 21st

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stinky feet day, today. Don’t go to a Japanese restaurant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

daily humorscopes for sunday, november 20th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, November 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 19th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, November 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.