Category: A Laugh for Today

A Little Humor for Your Day

I hope the rest of your day and evening is relaxing, filled with fun and love.

Merry part until we merry meet again!

A Little Humor for Your Day – Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee c. 2019

Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee

  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
  • You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • No-Doze is a downer.
  • You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You buy half-and-half by the barrel.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • When someone says “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You can’t even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.

A Little Humor for Your Day – You know you’re getting older when c. 2013

You know you’re getting older when…

 

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before, and yo9u haven’t been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning against   the wrong wall.

You join a health club and don’t go.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm

You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is “Twenty-five Years Ago Today.”

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

You regret all those temptations you resisted.

You’re 17 around the neck and 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf   course.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying   a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You are startled the first time someone’s calls you Old-timer.

You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A Little Humor – Mirror, Mirror c. 2012

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I’m fine but I can see
You won’t cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You’d think my hair was getting gray.
What’s that, you say? A double chin?
No, that’s the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You’ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you’re not hanging straight
You’ll tell me next I’m gaining weight,
I’m really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what’s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we’re not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You’ll find yourself in smithereens!!

Turok’s Cabana