Tag: Scorpio

Your Horoscope Story

Your Horoscope Story

  • Annie B. Bond

Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.

But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.

Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, December 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 14th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

PSYCHIC POWERS RITUAL

PSYCHIC POWERS RITUAL


Perform this ritual to improve psychic powers three days before the moon is full,
and preferably when it is in either the astrological sign of Cancer, Pisces or Scorpio.
Begin by brewing a strong magical tea made from yarrow or mugwort (herbs that
stimulate the psychic senses) and then light thirteen purple colored votive candles
to help attract psychic influences. Drink the tea and then gaze fixedly into a Magic
mirror, black bowl full of water, crystal ball, or crystal pyramid as you chant thrice the
following incantation:
“I invoke thee, oh Asarial, Archangel of Neptune And ruler of clairvoyant powers.
I ask thee now to open my third eye And show me the hidden light.
Let me see the future. Let me see the past. Let me perceive the divine Kingdoms
of the unknown.
Let me understand the wisdom Of the mighty universe. So mote it be!”
After chanting, relax, breathe slowly and concentrate on opening your Third Eye.
Do not permit any negative thought to contaminate your mind. The Third Eye, an
invisible chakra located in the middle of the forehead above the space between
the eyebrows, is the human body’s highest source of power, supernormal sight and
clairvoyant vision.

RITUAL TO IMPROVE PSYCHIC ABILITIES

RITUAL TO IMPROVE PSYCHIC ABILITIES


Three days before the full moon (preferably when it is in Cancer, Pisces, or Scorpio), light
13 purple-colored candles to help attract psychic influences. Gaze into a mirror, crystal ball
or crystal pyramid and chant three times:
Asahel, Archangel of Neptune and ruler of clairvoyance,
open my third eye and show me the hidden light.
Let me perceive the kingdoms of the unknown.
Let me understand the wisdom of the universe.
After chanting, relax your mind, do not permit any negative thoughts, breathe slowly and
concentrate on opening your Third Eye. The Third Eye, located in the space between
the eyebrows is the body’s highest source of power.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to doodle.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.