the daily humorscope
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”