Tag: Scorpio

the daily humorscopes for monday, september 19th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say “meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!”, and then dash off. At least now you’ll know how to spell it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbours? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, sept. 18th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 17th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization.” Time to go on a diet!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you aren’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

the daily humorscopes for friday, sept. 16th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 15th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, sept. 14th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find the word “impecunious” popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you’ll go look it up in the dictionary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an “evil laugh” and use that instead. Then at least, you’ll be able to hear everyone else’s nervous laughter.

 

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept.13th

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)

 

 

 

the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 12th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Monday, September 12, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 10th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

 
 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will casually mention the German term for “exit ramp”, and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That’s hardly your fault, though, is it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to mumble.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They say that a dog is a man’s best friend. Oddly, that’s only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man’s best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon.

the daily humorscopes for friday, september 9th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 09, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp – just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn’t everything. It could well be that you’d be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that’s virtually certain.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 7th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that “sharing” is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them — unless you think you can get away with it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

the daily humorscopes for Tuesday, September 06

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Try to be logical, today. It’s your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your “only hope” was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it “hubcaps.” This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn’t kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)
Try to be logical, today. It’s your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your “only hope” was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it “hubcaps.” This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn’t kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 5th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, September 05, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what’s this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, september 4th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, September 04, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbours a bit — keeps them civil.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbour thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 3rd

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, September 03, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Avoid yodelling today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

the daily humorscopes for Friday, September 2nd

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won’t mind — it’ll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you’ll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for a nice nap.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 1st

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn’t done.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertebrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although I’m not sure how.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 31

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton.” (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will acquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for Tuesday, August 30

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, August 29

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.