the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 5th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, September 05, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what’s this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 23

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t you mind them, though — they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.