the daily humorscope
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Avoid yodelling today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?