Tag: Capricorn

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Correspondences for Saturday, December 17th


Yule Comments & Graphics

 

Correspondences For Saturday

Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, Boundries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouly
Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease.

 

Spellcrafting For Today

 

CHARM TO FIND LOST ITEMS

Bound and Binding
Binding Bound
See the Sight
Hear the Sound
What was lost now is found
Bound and Binding
Binding Bound

 

A FINDING SPELL

Light a green candle for luck and prosperity.
Charge a small green stone with your desire to find your “property” that eludes you.
Chant the following 3 times:
I Pray to the Moon when she is round
Luck to me shall then abound
What I seek for shall then be found
In sea or sky or solid ground
Remember, like energies attract, think of positive times spent with this lost treasure
and mentally/emotionally call the lost one home.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 16th

From last night’s Moon-Jupiter trine from Virgo to Taurus to this morning’s Moon-Pluto trine from Virgo to Capricorn (7:56AM PST), there is a grand triangle hovering in the sky and offering you success and achievements in the business and professional realms. However, Mercury is only now beginning to gain much in the way of daily speed and three potential drawbacks occurs as Mars makes a frictional, 135-degree connection to Jupiter (8:02AM PST) while Vesta makes a rare union with Neptune in Aquarius (8:18AM PST) and the Moon unites with Mars in Virgo toward the end of the day (11:35PM PST). Trying to push your own agenda too far too fast can backfire. The Vesta-Neptune rapport suggests that by using your creative imagination and psychic sensitivity golden opportunities for forward progress can be made on the investment front. However, dashing ahead without a coherent game-plan or letting impatience take control won’t bring you deserved rewards. It is also wise to stop worrying about a wide variety of problems. Under Virgo Moon, this worry factor can doom almost any otherwise sensible enterprise. While you are wiping out worry, make sure you also eliminate criticism of self or others. This shadow side of the Virgo realm is another area of life that acts as a destroyer for our daily hopes. Reflection and contemplation during this lunar dispensation can remind you of the simple joys that make life worth living.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 14th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

Mid-Winter Feng Shui: The Year of the Earth Rat

Mid-Winter Feng Shui: The Year of the Earth Rat

  • Betsy Stang

Chinese New Year heralds the beginning of spring in the Northern hemisphere. In the southern states, the flowers begin to bloom, the rains come, often violently as the yin and yang, cold and hot fight for dominance. In the northern states, often fog will settle in for long periods as the rain and snow take turns letting each form of water rule.

The Year of the Earth Rat is a good time to build new foundations. Slow and steady, one grain at a time, the rat can move mountains.



Mid-winter is a good time for pruning and clearing. As the sap starts to flow upward, what shape do you want your life to take in the coming months? This is not a time for glamour and glitz. You won’t be getting by on a good idea or a pretty smile. What is the substance behind the dazzle? Expect to be called on for what you stand for.

It is a great time to look at your core values. What is important to you? Have you been putting your energy where your heart really is? Rats are pack animals, so look at your pack, your friend, family co-workers. How can you be more harmonious in your relationships? Have you reached out to those who are important to you in support and encouragement? Right now a small word and small gestures can make a lot of difference.

If you did not clean out your closets at the January New Year, do it now. Try clothing on and if you don’t love it, pass it along. I sometimes do swap parties with my friends and it’s a great way to perk up a dreary February afternoon. Pass along what your friends don’t want to the nearest women’s shelter or Salvation Army drop box. Somebody needs the clothing you don’t, and you will be spreading abundance and allowing for more to come your way. Also go through the cupboards and restock for emergencies and give food with approaching expiration dates to your local food pantry. Old grain should be put out as well or you might be visited by those pesky grain moths.

When was the last time you fertilized your plants? The growing season is coming on quickly and the new moon, new year is a great time to fertilize. If you have been composting, you might spread that around now, although if the ground is still frozen, wait until the next new moon.

Since it is an Earth year, it will be a time of gradual progress. It is one of those times that we get to learn patience like the farmer who must wait for harvest for his crops to be ready. This year, short cuts won’t work but hard work and perseverance will. In a society that values short-term results, this is a challenging aspect. However, Earth signs, like Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo will be in their element as well as those born in the last year of the Earth Rat, February 1948–January 1949.

Focus your changes on the center of your home, this section represents the Earth element as well as your health. Get that check-up you have been postponing, you might find you can stop a problem before it gets big. It is also a good time to get better nutrition. This is an especially good year to eat as organic as you can. If your stove is not working well, its time to fix it, especially if you are having cash flow problems.

Take small steps in your life to begin to bring about big growth later on. Those of you who have been afraid of change, it is your time to shine. It is a time of setting foundations, of planting who you want to become. To everything there is a season.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

By Sage Romano, DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

 

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
 

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 7th

Two days ago, Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Virgo linked up via a harmonious, trine pattern of 120-degrees. This creative association of the two main cosmic symbols of the feminine and masculine principles doesn’t occur that frequently. This morning – at 7:03AM PST and then at 10:48AM PST – the Moon in Taurus forms flowing trines, first to Mars and then to Venus. This actually makes a grand triangle in earth signs in the zodiac – an auspicious, geometric talisman that can signify your own success and achievements manifesting in the real world. A Mercury-Pluto parallel (2:53PM PST) adds an exclamation point to the foregoing by simultaneously activating your spiritual willpower and mental concentration. Whether you can pull this off and be eminently fortunate in money matters, business negotiations and career pursuits is not necessarily 100% in the cards because you also need to be in the right place, at the right time, and in the right state of consciousness. In addition, every individual has his or her own horoscope of many celestial bodies that is being impacted daily by what are called transits and progressions (ongoing cycles of the heavenly orbs) that provide the kinds of events that fill our lives in every 24-hour time-period. Remember – as pointed out in this calendar two days ago – that the first of the outer planets (Uranus) is virtually stationary this entire week, but will officially shift from retrograde to direct in Aries on Friday evening December 9. You may be tuning into the Uranian signals of radical change and intuitional awareness even now before the actual station of Uranus in the sky. This is not that unusual as our human minds and nervous systems are much more advanced than we understand at this stage of evolution.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to doodle.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Today’s Cosmic Calendar for November 28th

This first day of this workweek suggests that big business ventures, professional aims and entrepreneurial matters are core issues. The main reason is that the Moon continues its monthly transit in the third and final earth sign – Capricorn. In addition, the Sun forms a subtle and yet still advantageous, 30-degree rapport with Pluto (10:37AM PST). The 30-degree aspect is considered minor by many astrologers, but when the center of our solar system (the Sun) forms any contact with the outermost, main planet (Pluto) – some 3 billion miles away – it is wise to heed what is going on. And in this case, you have an opportunity to understand hidden motives in yourself and ferret out normally secretive behavior patterns of your competitors in order to give yourself an edge on the money-making superhighway of the modern world. However, the Moon squares Saturn at 3:02PM PST – beginning an 8-hour void limbo time-period until 11:03PM PST when the Moon enters service-oriented Aquarius. Keep a low profile during the void lunar dispensation. It is okay to finish old projects on a high note, but keep new plans under wraps until the Moon shifts into Aquarius. Strive to maintain your productivity in arts, crafts and hobbies since Mercury squares Ceres (11:37PM PST).

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.