Don’t make the mistake of thinking that last night’s conjunctions are gone and forgotten. As a matter of fact, they are very strong – particularly the extremist, brooding and underground nature of the annual Sun-Pluto merger in Capricorn. Add on this morning’s Venus-Pluto parallel (3:06AM PST) and it is clear that stormy conditions can rock anyone’s boat – emotionally, romantically and financially. Fortunately, the Moon in Pisces forms a supportive, 60-degree link to the Sun in Capricorn (5:57AM PST) just a few hours before a mystically-charged, 72-degree contact occurs between Mercury and Neptune (8:58AM PST). The Sun-Moon and Mercury-Neptune liaisons go a long way to neutralize some of the tensions associated with the Sun-Pluto and Venus-Pluto interactions. Try your hand at writing rhyme poetry, haiku or limericks. Help people truly down on their luck under the compassionate aegis of Pisces Moon. Photography, music and dance may cure you of the blues as Pallas makes a frictional, 45-degree link to shock-master Uranus (9:56PM PST) while a couple of challenging sky patterns are waiting in the wings early on Friday to test your resolve and stamina.
Tag: Capricorn
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Angst day, today.
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 28th
Mercury forming a supportive, 60-degree tie to Pallas (3:29AM PST) keeps those exalted, innovative Pallas vibes going full blast in the early hours. You can be a problem-solver extraordinaire. However, Mercury moves on to make a more abrasive, 135-degree tie to giant Jupiter (5:29AM PST). This challenging alignment – along with a Sun-Juno 45-degree clash (4:13AM PST) and Moon-Saturn parallel (6:18AM PST) – indicates that some psychic thunderstorms concerning communications, travel plans and educational interests may interfere with your forward progress this morning. Later on, inspirations abound during the monthly Moon-Neptune union in Aquarius (1:32PM PST). Any lunar conjunction with far-out Neptune can result in your receiving mind-blowing realizations that can literally change your consciousness forever. On the other hand, this Moon-Neptune merger also begins a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:46PM PST when the Moon dives into the mysterious waters of Pisces. Once the alchemical shift of the Moon from air to water takes place, the Moon makes its monthly communion with healing-maestro Chiron (7:06PM PST) just a few hours before the Moon joins forces with soul-sister Vesta (10:48PM PST) and the Sun makes its annual union with underworld-ruling Pluto in Capricorn (11:44PM PST). This is quite an evening – with spiritual, investment and willpower vibrations at white-hot intensity. The lunar links to Chiron and Vesta are much more tender and sensitive than the single-minded, intense Sun-Pluto contact. Stay on alert throughout the night and into early Thursday to make sure loved ones are protected and that your words and deeds are of the highest caliber.
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for Monday, Dec. 26th
This could be a slow day getting started business-wise – if you are working. The reason is that Mercury makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Saturn (5:03AM PST) just before the Moon in Capricorn squares Saturn in Libra (5:37AM PST). Therefore, two challenging aspects counter the urge to make a forward dash into the sunlight. In addition, the Moon-Saturn square starts a void lunar twilight zone that lasts until 9:15AM PST when the Moon enters service-oriented Aquarius. It’s okay to finish old business during the void time-period, but once the Moon is in Aquarius, put more emphasis on volunteer efforts, charity drives and joining international movements that tug at your heart-strings. Group projects, team sports and community activities are prime areas for your involvement between now and Wednesday morning. Check out the latest high-tech gizmos, apps and software programs as the Moon makes a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Uranus (10:35AM PST). Consider having an impromptu party or gathering at your place tonight – coinciding with the monthly Moon-Venus union in Aquarius (11:34PM PST). Express your creativity in the fine and graphic arts for a change of pace. If you are in the mood for romance, then set sail for exotic ports of call with a like-minded partner
the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th
the daily humorscope
Monday, December 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 24th
Dreams can stir your soul this morning – thanks to a Moon-Neptune 60-degree liaison (3:37AM PST). At the same time, the Moon enters a short void cycle that lasts until 5:48AM PST when the lunar orb enters earthy Capricorn. The good news is that less than one hour later, the Moon trines Jupiter in Taurus (6:25AM PST) – invigorating your self-confidence and power of positive thinking. Nevertheless, the extreme dark-of-the-moon vibrations are in control for the next 3+ hours – signifying a need to complete odds and ends before the New Moon arrives at 10:08AM PST – activating 3 degrees of Capricorn. Once the New Moon is a rock-solid reality, it is fine to push forward with bold plans across the board. You have terrific success vibes encircling you – as long you know how to wield spiritual willpower and mental concentration that come from the monthly Moon-Pluto union (5:44PM PST). The evening carries a fantastic glow – especially in romance, the creative arts and social activities – as the Moon parallels Venus at 11:59PM PST. If you need to be concerned about one thing, make it the fact that Jupiter is still officially in retrograde motion until the clock strikes 2:09PM PST tomorrow. This upcoming Jupiter shift will help you make a great leap ahead over the coming weeks.
the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Beware of short people.
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Correspondences for Saturday, December 24th
Saturday
Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, boundaries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouly
Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease.
Spellcrafting for Saturday
SPELL TO PROTECT YOUR ABODE WHILE YOU ARE TRAVELLING
Gather as many keys as you have in your house ( it should be the same as the numbers of doors that you have in your house)
Moving slowly through your house, take a key, touch it to the door and say:
“Lock out thieves in the night.
Lock out thieves in the light.
Lock out thieves out of sight.”
Repeat this until you have touched each and every key to each door. Then, tie them with a
red ribbon and hang over front door. Remember to visualize them keeping away thieves!
Remember, never leave your bed empty for too long.
Doing so may cause unwanted negative energy to settle in your place.
When heading off, clean the bed and tuck a broom into it, bristles on the pillow.
If you are in a strange place you might want to bring along a blue candle.
Burning blue while you sleep will help protect you. Mirrors are great protection in the
bedroom, as it repels negative influences. So put a small one on the headboard of
your bed, or at least facing the door, and you should stay safe throughout the night.
Lunar Love Horoscopes for December 23 -25
by Jeff Jawer
Through the RoofDecember 23 – 25 |
The hustle and bustle of the holiday weekend usually crowds out the time for romance while most people are busy with their families. But this year it’s not all about obligations, as there are times when breaking away from regular routine and ritual provides room for hearts to roam more freely. The outgoing and fun-loving Sagittarius Moon gives Friday an adventurous spirit. Taking chances in self-expression and exploring unfamiliar places and faces can expand horizons and offer fresh perspectives.
Saturday, on the other hand, is supercharged with a New Moon in disciplined Capricorn that arouses feelings of guilt. Yet the order generally associated with this sign may be hard to come by, frustrating those who prefer to follow the rules and stick to their plans. Volatility is spiked by a lunar square with anti-authoritarian Uranus. This planetary alignment brings out the rebellious side of personalities, making cooperation even more difficult. Yet even if a playful approach and flexible attitude allows for experimentation, the Moon’s conjunction with controlling Pluto has the last word of the day. This intense aspect could either squeeze out the fun with a sense of resentment or cause us to examine our expectations. However, the point isn’t about trying to change others, but to find the maturity and commitment to start changing ourselves.
Daily Horoscopes for Thursday, December 22nd
Although we may want to be pragmatic as the Sun shifts into cautious Capricorn, marking the Winter Solstice, we are more likely to let our visions carry us away today. Blind optimism leads the way with the joyous Sun-Jupiter trine, enabling us to see the brighter side of life while the wild Sun-Uranus square encourages us to take risks. Meanwhile, the Moon’s entry into adventurous Sagittarius at 7:02 am EST affirms the current upbeat energy.
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You cannot contain your excitement today as the barriers to pursuing your happiness fall away. Although you may be high on anticipation about your upcoming adventures, satisfaction might not be as close as you expect. Don’t be cavalier about the complexities you must still overcome. If you are serious about your goals, you just might be able to execute your plans successfully.
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)
Last minute social commitments might add a bit of stress to your day by placing too many demands on your time. Although you’re capable of stretching beyond your usual limits today, don’t reach so far that you upset the balance between work and play. Being open to the spirit of the holiday season is fine, but don’t be afraid to retreat if your common sense tells you that you are overextended.
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)
It’s tempting to go along with someone’s idea today because you are more concerned with enjoying yourself than with achieving success. Fortunately, the Moon’s presence in your 7th House of Companions can amplify the strength of another person’s strategy, further encouraging you to let go of your previous plans. Your cooperative spirit enables you to work well with others now, bringing greater satisfaction than doing something on your own.
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)
Although you’re optimistic about what you can accomplish at work today, your expectations might be somewhat unrealistic. Streamline your to-do list before wasting lots of energy on tasks you can’t finish. Instead of spreading yourself too thin, focus on completing a few of the most important tasks; otherwise, you could exhaust yourself before the day is done.
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You are feeling very creative today as the buoyant Sagittarius Moon enters your 5th House of Self-Expression. However, you aren’t in the mood to perform the repetitive tasks that may still be required. Be careful about reacting too impulsively because your frustration could explode into an emotional outbreak that turns your day upside down. Although it might be challenging to be patient now, it’s best to save your greatest inspiration for your personal pleasure.
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
You may believe that you can accomplish everything today, but your schedule could fall apart if someone’s need for independence clashes with your agenda. You might have to reinvent your day on the fly or postpone tasks when something requires more time than you expected. Your emotional reaction could upset a close friend or loved one, but your reassurances should be able to settle them down. Make sure everyone knows that you still plan to meet your obligations over the next few days.
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
If you try to stuff one more activity into this day, it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But you might not realize that anything has gone wrong until it’s too late. Even if you are quite confident that all is well in your world, it’s still smart to lighten up your calendar before you find yourself in trouble. If you stretch your commitments too far, the entire house of cards may need to fall in order to alleviate the tension.
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Exercising financial caution is wise today because the optimistic Sagittarius Moon in your 2nd House of Possessions encourages you to spend more than you should. Your money may be more limited than you want to admit, so budgeting your resources makes good sense. It’s smarter to acknowledge how you can fool yourself before you end up facing an unnecessary negative cash flow situation. Fortunately, a little planning goes a long way to ease your concerns.
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You are riding a wave of self-confidence, but it’s also easy to gloss over practical details that can get you into trouble today. Relying on your common sense now instead of your optimism is a good idea, but it’s not easy to keep your feet on the ground. Your visionary powers are strong, tricking you to think that you’re invincible. Positive thinking will improve the situation, but ignoring the facts makes things worse. Don’t avoid reality just because it’s unpleasant.
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You may try to be rational in your approach to a complicated situation now that the Sun is shining in your sensible sign. Unfortunately, the current circumstances can defy logical analysis. Instead of unsuccessfully attempting to stay on the straight and narrow path, give yourself permission to be inspired by your imagination. Don’t try to justify your choices to anyone; simply trust in the process. Your intuition will not steer you wrong today.
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your dreams may be the source of inspiration today, but they can also lead you in a more practical direction than you realize. The Moon’s visit to your 11th House of Long-Term Goals lures you out of the present reality and into a world of potential. Luckily, these imaginative excursions can have a lasting impact on what comes next in your life. Instead of losing yourself in fantasyland, consciously paint your future with the colors of your mind.
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You may be feeling very sure of yourself now, believing that you have the ability to improve your career path simply through the power of positive thought. Unfortunately, your visions might be slightly warped, enabling you to view your future through rose-colored glasses. Although there’s no reason to assume the worst, don’t avoid difficult facts just because you’re able to see so much good wherever you look. A reality check only improves your chances for success.
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Beware of rodents.
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Avoid yodelling today.
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
New Moon Report for Dec. 21 – Sun in Capricorn
New Moon Report
By Jeff Jawer
Sun in Capricorn
Wednesday, December 21, 9:30 pm PST, Thursday, December 22, 12:30 am EST
There’s seriousness to the season when the Sun enters earthy Capricorn, marking the Winter Solstice here and the Summer Solstice south of the equator. The desire to put our lives in order leads to New Year’s resolutions and renewed commitment to be more effective during the next twelve months. Discipline and a strong sense of purpose can do wonders, but tense solar transits to electrifying Uranus on December 22 and merciless Pluto on the 29th can flip the energy from chaos to total control in the course of a week. This is an intense holiday period that can scatter good cheer and taint good will toward all with feelings of resentment. The key message is to take responsibility for your own actions instead of trying to tell other people what to do.
Cosmic Calendar For December 21
Staying emotionally empowered in primary partnerships is a crucial theme today as the Moon makes its monthly union with Juno in Scorpio (10:31AM PST) while Venus makes an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with Juno just a few hours later (1:27PM PST). Go shopping for stylish clothing and beautiful touches to enhance a special room in your residence. Be extra sensitive and considerate to loved ones on the ropes. Play the mediator role with finesse and understanding if relatives are over-reacting to end-of-the-year holiday or financial pressures. Utilize a Mercury-Pluto parallel (6:38AM PST) to strengthen your spiritual willpower and mental concentration. Be willing to examine your deeper motives, passions and desires to learn more about core beliefs and principles. The big news is that the Sun enters Capricorn (9:31PM PST) – also known as the Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere. Along with the Summer Solstice and the two equinoxes, this evening represents one of four sacred turning points of the calendar year. Meditate for clarity and learn more about the arcane rituals and rites of ancient civilizations. On practical levels, you will want to focus more attention on reaching a career summit or energizing your entrepreneurial skills during the next four weeks as the Sun illuminates the third earth sign of the zodiac.
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Your Horoscope Story
Your Horoscope Story
- Annie B. Bond
Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.
But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.
Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.
Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.
Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.
Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.
Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th
the daily humorscope
Monday, December 19, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, Dec. 18th
The arrival of Libra Moon (12:07AM PST) each month usually signals a golden opportunity to smooth over relationship troubles and to explore your gifts as a creative artist. The challenge right now is that Venus in Capricorn forms a square to Saturn in Libra (6:19AM PST). This is known in the astrological terminology as a mutual reception because Venus is located in a Saturn-ruled sign (Capricorn) while Saturn is located in a Venus-ruled sign (Libra). This can be helpful and supportive if the mathematical connection between the two celestial bodies is harmonious. However, the square of 90-degrees is usually more frictional and abrasive in its nature. The bottom line is that you can still make a couple of great leaps forward in strengthening the bonds of a primary partnership and tapping into your artistic treasure-trove of skills is do-able. Whether or not, you will feel totally happy and confident during the process is questionable. And some rough edges – on the emotional plane in particular – are likely to arise. Cautionary and conservative vibes coming from the beautiful ringed planet are also strong around 5:00PM PST as the Moon parallels Saturn. By tomorrow, a Sun-Saturn 60-degree tie will combine with the monthly Moon-Saturn zodiacal union to really ramp up the serious and profound energy-field associated with this planet that has much to do with focus, hard work, structure, form, responsibility and climbing up the ladder of worldly success.
Witches Of The Craft® 
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