To get to today’s fortunate vibrations, hang in there and keep the faith. First of all, a void lunar cycle in Leo begins when the Moon opposes sometimes chaotic and unreliable Neptune (12:25AM PST). By 1:45AM PST, the void lunar uncertainty zone ends when the Moon enters meticulous and industrious Virgo. Over the next 2+ days, it is wise to shape-shift into being the efficiency master and supreme organizer across the board. Helping you cover all bases is a grand triangle in earth signs as the Moon in Virgo trines Jupiter in Taurus (3:19AM PST) while the Moon moves on to make additional harmonious trines to Mercury (1:34PM PST) and Pluto (3:12PM PST) – both of which are in Capricorn. Stay on track to reach a new career summit or develop new entrepreneurial talents. Putting you over the top is this evening’s vitalizing Sun-Mars flowing trine in earth signs (8:47PM PST). Athletics, exercise routines and construction projects receive reinforcement. Enhance your leadership credentials. It’s not every day when a grand triangle arranged by the Moon happens along with a trine including the solar orb and red planet. Get set for potential psychic and emotional fireworks tomorrow morning as Mercury joins forces with Pluto while Venus becomes cozy with Neptune.
Tag: Capricorn
the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongruous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
If you want someone to change, it’s often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, “Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?”
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime’s it’s hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it’s too late.
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!
the daily humorscope
Monday, January 09, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Beware of galoots, today.
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!
Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Your Horoscope’s Lucky Flowers
Your Horoscope’s Lucky Flowers
- Annie B. Bond
We can find out our own personal sun-sign connection to the world of flowers. Find out your horoscope flowers so you can bring their colors and fragrances into your life.
We also include a fun quiz that shows what your favorite flower tells you about your personal sense of style. So many ways to bloom! It’s all here:
Aries, March 21-April 19: Thistle, wild rose, gorse, nasturtium, woodbine
Taurus, April 20-May 21: Lily of the valley, violet, wild and red garden rose, myrtle
Gemini, May 22-June 20: Snapdragon, iris
Cancer, June 21-July 22: Poppy, water lily, white rose
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Marigold, sunflower, cowslip, heliotrope, peony
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Madonna lily, cornflower
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Violet, white rose, love-in-a-mist
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Celandine, purple heather, chrysanthemum
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Carnation, wallflower, clove-pink
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Snowdrop, Solomon‘s seal
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Snowdrop, foxglove, gentian
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Heliotrope, carnation, opium poppy, violet
New Moon Report for Jan. 8th – Full Moon in Cancer
New Moon Report
By Jeff Jawer
Full Moon in Cancer
Sunday, January 8, 11:30 pm PST, Monday, January 9, 2:30 am EST
The opposition of the Moon in sensitive Cancer to the Sun in dutiful Capricorn exposes two very different ways of seeking security. Subjective feelings of safety and personal comfort are needed with the Moon in maternal Cancer while hardening our defenses to face the challenges of the world is Capricorn’s task. Should we be tender or tough? Favorable aspects to the Sun and Moon from Mars in skillful Virgo empower us to find healthy ways to move between these two positions. The emotions kicked up by this lunation can show us how to nurture our inner needs while still standing strong in our public lives.
the daily humorscope
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don’t especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) — you’ll find it’s his new hobby.
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.
It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a “normal” name. Everyone is a “Darius”, or a “Baxter”, or a “Kyle”. Just to be ornery, you will change your name to “Xnarp”.
Daily Cosmic Calender for January 8th
Inspirations are flying fast and furiously as the entire day builds up to the exact moment of the Full Moon that activates 19 degrees of Capricorn and Cancer (11:31PM PST). Early on, your talents as a superb problem-solver are enhanced – thanks to a mentally-exuberant, 72-degree rapport from Pallas to Jupiter (3:45AM PST). This could also be a good day to conduct strategy sessions, on a wide range of topics, with a trusted adviser or friend. You receive some excellent back-up support – mentally and spiritually – as Mercury forms a flowing trine to Jupiter in earth signs (10:06AM PST). However, the universe seems to love tossing a shocking surprise into the proceedings just to see how mortals on Earth behave. This shocking surprise arrives in the form of a Mercury-Uranus 90-degree sharp square from Capricorn to Aries (3:24PM PST). Jumping to conclusions without information or clear answers is taboo. If you have to drive or travel a far distance, use sound judgment. Communications can also suffer around the time-period when Mercury and Uranus play mischief-makers. Meanwhile, the rest of the evening pulls you toward the potential magic of the Full Moon (11:31PM PST). Send out your uplifting thoughts and prayers to humanity and the kingdoms of nature. Individual and group meditations are advised. Think more of your higher purpose while dwelling in your physical, emotional and mental bodies in this lifetime. Be a loving, compassionate ambassador of goodwill to people on the skids.
New Moon Report for Jan. 7th – Mercury in Capricorn
New Moon Report
By Jeff Jawer
Mercury in Capricorn
Saturday, January 7, 10:34 pm PST, Sunday, January 8, 1:34 am EST
Cerebral Mercury in responsible Capricorn is excellent for rational thinking and clear communication. However, the speedy messenger’s aspects with boundless Jupiter and spontaneous Uranus today fill our heads with original ideas and spur provocative comments. Once this energy settles down we will quickly put our thoughts in order and find the intellectual discipline needed to concentrate on achieving our ambitions.
the daily humorscope
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.
Your Horoscope Guardian Trees
Your Horoscope Guardian Trees
- Annie B. Bond
The grounded grace and benign presence of trees have both awed and comforted humans since our earliest beginnings. In both Native American and Celtic tradition, every season has its tree-spirits. In astrology, too, each sun-sign has special trees standing guard over it, sharing their healing energy.
Find out which trees hold a magical healing key for your sun-sign here:
Aries, March 21-April 19: Holly, thorn, chestnut
Taurus, April 20-May 21: Almond, apple, walnut, ash, sycamore, cherry, myrtle
Gemini, May 22-June 20: Elder, filbert
Cancer, June 21-July 22: Willow, sycamore
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Palm, laurel, pine, oak
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Hazel, elder
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Almond, walnut, plum, myrtle, apple
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Holly, blackthorn
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mulberry, chestnut
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Pine, cypress, yew, spruce, holly
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Pine
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Willow, elm, linden
the daily humorscope
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter.
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Beware of galoots, today.
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Beware of iguanas, today.
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
The Sexiest Zodiac Signs
The Sexiest Zodiac Signs
- Mel, selected from DivineCaroline
I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.
Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.
Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.
Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.
Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.
Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.
Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.
Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.
Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.
Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.
Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.
Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.
Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.
Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for January 3rd
Returning to work after the shift from one year to another is never an easy chore. However, the celestial bodies of our solar system seem to be in an affable mood right now as the Moon in Taurus forms a flowing trine to distant Pluto in Capricorn (5:20AM PST) while Venus unites with Pallas in Aquarius (10:09AM PST). The Moon-Pluto liaison can enhance your mental concentration and spiritual willpower, but the Venus-Pallas conjunction is truly a jewel as it reinforces your problem-solving skills and ability to strategize with trusted associates. In addition, it is wise to stock up on foods, vitamins and supplements that strengthen your immune system as Pallas connects to the genetic code, DNA and our defense against illness. More good news is on the horizon since the Moon in Taurus and the Sun in Capricorn form a harmonious trine (4:44PM PST) just 7 minutes before illuminating insights abound during a Sun-Mercury parallel (4:51PM PST). Later on, Mercury forms an inspirational, 72-degree link to Vesta (9:54PM PST) – a definite help in increasing the value of your assets and investments if you can sensibly tune into the shape of things to come on the economic front. Vesta also relates to home and hearth, insurance rates and coverage, as well as soul-sisters – eager to offer you wise advice across the board.
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
the daily humorscope
Monday, January 02, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Hide.
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
the daily humorscope
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)
Witches Of The Craft® 
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