Tag: Capricorn

Your Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, November 27th

Although the emotionally reserved Capricorn Moon encourages common sense over passion, following our desires will likely bring satisfaction today. Our down-to-earth practicality is further emphasized by the presence of beautiful Venus in Capricorn; however, her propitious trine to bountiful Jupiter indulges us with pleasurable experiences. Nevertheless, we still may resist the good times if we think they will interfere with our potential success.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Remain upbeat about your contributions when pushing toward your goals whether you’re making plans to achieve a goal at work or striving to be noticed within your community. Thankfully, you should receive assistance from an important person now that friendly Venus is visiting your 10th House of Public Status. Go ahead and do your best work, but make certain to ask for the credit that you deserve. Although seeing tangible results may take a few days, you could be surprised at the outcome.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

It’s always lovely to be appreciated, and today is especially sweet because you receive so much positive energy from Venus’ trine to optimistic Jupiter in your sign. Nevertheless, it isn’t always appropriate to overwhelm others with your exuberance. A touch of self-restraint can help you reach your goals. Don’t sprint to the finish line; it’s not as close as you think.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You may be very clear about what you want out of a relationship now, especially if you have been clarifying your needs all year long. The time is ripe to make something happen, and you could blow your chances if you wait too long. Maintain a positive attitude while sharing your feelings, even if you don’t know where the conversation is leading. But don’t let this opportunity pass without acting on what’s in your heart.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be emerging from a tough phase, yet you’re still able to rationalize what you want. However, many delicious feelings are bubbling up from your subconscious now and tempting you to set aside your objectivity. Hold on steady and keep your eyes on the current opportunities, for this wave should ultimately bring a positive transformation.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Beneficial Jupiter is visiting your 10th House of Public Success and its trine to pleasurable Venus in your 6th House of Work could resonate with your plan to accomplish a lot today. Unfortunately, you might feel like a lazy Lion with plenty of excuses to justify your unproductive nature. Remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all. You deserve a bit of downtime now, so take it while you have the chance.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might not be happy at first with whatever happens today, but you may be willing to wait for satisfaction once you realize the potential pleasures that are available to you. Even if you try to fight against the changes, your resistance fades quickly once you sink beneath your noisy thoughts and into the less familiar non-verbal world of emotions. Ultimately, your feelings will steer you in the right direction now.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

This is a magical day to immerse yourself into your feelings without wasting any energy rationalizing what’s in your heart. Don’t be afraid to act on your intuition because the signals that are now coming from your subconscious are integrally connected with your truth. Only negativity stands between you and your success, so jump in and follow your positive instincts before you change your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It’s not such a bad idea to temporarily set aside your personal interests now and concentrate on selfless acts of generosity. However, don’t spoil the moment by asking what’s in it for you. If you really need to know, then you’re missing the point entirely. Ultimately, if you stay focused on the highest expression of love, the emotional rewards will always circle back and touch your heart.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may attempt to hide your anger today because you really don’t want it to interfere with the general loveliness that’s floating around in your environment. Fortunately, with valuable Venus in your 2nd House of Income, you could feel as if everything you touch turns to gold. Just keep in mind your ability to work in service to others now is enough of a gift to make you happy.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Sensual Venus harmoniously trines happy-go-lucky Jupiter today, promising fun activities and empowering you to co-create new games. Unfortunately, you may not be able to escape your responsibilities just because the phone is ringing and good times are calling. Thankfully, you can still enjoy yourself by expressing your creative urges in a practical project.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be feeling so intense now that you don’t know how to say what you’re thinking without upsetting others. Unfortunately, keeping your thoughts to yourself isn’t a smart strategy either, since suppressed emotions will blast their way to the surface sooner or later. Expressing love and not fear can transform obstacles into positive learning experiences.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You’re eager to please others now with the Moon visiting your 11th House of Social Networking. You can be a wonderful friend, but you must be careful about only acknowledging the good news. The power of positive thinking can help you today, but you could take your optimism too far. Obsessing on the possible negative outcomes isn’t useful, but neither is burying significant issues without addressing them.

Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, November 27th

If you played the cosmic astro-zodiacal game in the right way yesterday, you should be in good shape for today’s somewhat easy-going agenda. The Moon in Capricorn remains the primary factor – encouraging you to make progress on the business and professional fronts. Vesta moving 45-degrees to Pluto (1:02AM PST) can jar you on emotional levels and make you worry about protecting your valuables, but later on you can tune into your spiritual willpower and mental concentration during the monthly Moon-Pluto union (5:27AM PST). This monthly lunar convergence with distant Pluto can prove troubling for many souls – if deep-seated repressions are stirring up underworld tensions. However, Pluto does have a higher component of purity and purpose. And if you know what you are doing, you may be able to avoid emotional turbulence and ride the crest of a wave of awesome willpower that is good for you, your family and friends. The best news of the day clocks in at 1:24PM PST when Venus in Capricorn makes a flowing trine in earth signs with Jupiter in Taurus. Take full advantage of this terrific blending of the two traditional benefic planets. Success in financial matters looks promising. Gains can be made across the board and an inspirational, 72-degree connection from Mercury to Chiron (9:41PM PST) is an added healing boost to your experiences.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Your Daily Horoscopes for Saturday, November 26th

We may be anxious today as we try to manage conflicting cosmic messages. Loving Venus enters calculating Capricorn, followed by the Moon at 10:04 pm EST, telling us that traditional values make sense and emotional restraint is a good idea. But Venus also squares radical Uranus, attracting unusual people and stimulating our desires for dynamic change. Intellectually, we’re ready to jump into the uncertainty, yet our feelings still hold us back.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Risking your current security might seem like a good plan today, but an unsuccessful shortcut will only require you to continue going back over the same territory until you learn your lesson. But your memory is short now, so the past may not be readily accessible. Just remember that you can trick yourself into believing there’s a quick fix when there’s none to be found. There’s no way around it; the road to happiness will take time and hard work.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your ruling planet Venus squares rebellious Uranus today, turning your down-to-earth tastes into more unconventional attractions. You may try to ignore your edgy desires because you don’t want to jeopardize your standing within your family or community; however, denying your true feelings doesn’t help matters one bit. Share your most eccentric emotions with a trusted friend now, but don’t become attached to the outcome of the conversation.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re probably more flexible than most of your friends, and today you could take your ability to avoid making a final decision to a whole new level. You may get on other people’s nerves because you want to leave so many options open. You might be afraid that making a commitment too soon can prevent you from being available for a bigger opportunity later. However, waiting too long could actually cause you to miss something satisfying that is right in front of you.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You don’t want to jeopardize your security for the fleeting possibility of an amazing experience. Nevertheless, you may still be attracted to engaging in unusual behavior, even if it places a strain on your life. Keep in mind that you can accept your current desires even if they are outside your usual comfort zone. Acknowledging an irrational urge doesn’t mean that you must act on it.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You enjoy feeling fully alive, but may grow tired of getting bounced around by your crazy desires today. One minute you’re feeling wonderful about a romance, and the next you’re wondering about the wisdom of your heart. The extreme swings of attraction and fear will pass if you don’t overreact with emotions on either end of the spectrum.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might not be able to verbalize what you want today because your desires are taking you into unknown territory. Instead of eagerly exploring your emotions, you’re tempted to sidestep what’s in your heart since it’s easier to maintain a detached perspective when you stay up in your head. However, you could inadvertently bring on the emotional meltdown you’re trying to avoid unless you’re willing to step beyond the limits of your rational thoughts and into the realm of feelings.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your attempts at being serious might not go as expected today since unpredictable Uranus can turn your life inside out as it squares your ruling planet Venus. You’re not as sensible as you think, and your irrational behavior can create a series of events that require you to shift your plans suddenly. Instead of wasting energy trying to avoid the inevitable, be open to the excitement that comes from trying new things and meeting new people.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The emphasis on your 2nd House of Finances today indicates that you don’t mind spending extra cash on something that helps you express your feelings toward a special friend. You won’t likely purchase anything that is ordinary because your tastes are more eccentric than usual now. Buying a unique gift can be a joyful experience as long as you keep the other person’s needs in mind rather than getting something that you would secretly like yourself.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are often drawn to ideas of doing something adventurous with your friends, but today you might pass up a social activity so you can stay home. Of course you can’t do both, so choosing one or the other could become problematic if others demand that you make a choice. But micromanaging your day isn’t a sensible strategy; you’ll be happier now if you let someone else make the decisions. You could end up feeling a real sense of exhilaration once you let go of control.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You might feel unsettled if you’re playing outside of the rules now. Normally, Venus’ shift into your sign motivates you to follow a conservative path of the heart, but her square to wild Uranus pushes you into new territory today. Letting go of old familiar systems expands your horizons while increasing the variety of possibilities ahead. It’s time for you to take a risk; you won’t be disappointed.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You’re feeling on-edge as Venus squares your key planet Uranus. You want to do something crazy that makes you stand out in a crowd, but you could go overboard today. Friends may be shocked by your sudden uncharacteristic behavior and might criticize your actions. Don’t worry about how others judge you; just stay true to yourself.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You are more attracted to eccentric people today, especially if you have been showing self-restraint in your own personal expression. The wilder you are the less everyone else needs to act out your suppressed feelings. You have an excellent opportunity to experiment with what you want, within reason, of course, so try something outrageous; you can always return to your old ways tomorrow.

Cosmic Calendar for Saturday, November 26th

If you are really tuned into the cosmic beat, this can be a very successful weekend — especially in living closer to your philosophy of life and making huge strides on the career horizon. Giving you an early boost are the monthly Moon-Mercury union in Sagittarius (2:04AM PST) and Venus entering Capricorn (4:37AM PST) until December 20. Yes, it’s true that Mercury is in reverse, but the Moon with Mercury is still something that can be encouraging for learning across the board. And Venus in Capricorn can imbue your professional plans with new magnetism and power. The Moon in Sagittarius begins a short void twilight zone at 4:07PM PST, and this uncertainty time-span lasts until 7:06PM PST when the Moon enters hard-driving Capricorn. Meanwhile, Venus – having just entered Capricorn – forms a dicey square with radical-change agent Uranus in Aries (6:28PM PST). This is akin to a neon light flashing for lovers – with a warning not to overdo a good thing and to strive toward greater sensitivity to avoid a breakdown in communication. Fortunately, the energy-field flips around shortly thereafter as Venus makes a supportive, 60-degree alliance with healing-master Chiron (7:36PM PST), the Moon unites with Venus (8:28PM PST) and forms a flowing trine to Jupiter (10:02PM PST). When the Moon harmonizes with both Venus and Jupiter, you definitely need to pay attention and extract every bit of happiness and exuberance from their encounters

New Moon Report for Novembr 26th – Venus in Capricorn

 

 Venus in Capricorn

Saturday, November 26, 4:37 am PST, 7:37 am EST

Amorous Venus grows formal in ambitious Capricorn where the need for status can overcome the tenderness of romance. We may be less cuddly now as insecurity drives greater hunger to control relationships. Venus’ conjunction with Pluto on December 1 could be a key date when self-worth and partnership concerns come to a head. Battling for the top spot challenges the cooperative nature of a loving union. However, if we remain kind to one another, this transit can elevate the quality of commitment and increase a willingness to work hard that solidifies personal and professional alliances.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for Nov. 25th – 27th

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Rollercoaster Romance

November 25 – 27

Get ready for a wild weekend that’s filled with adventure and excitement. Plans can change in an instant and emotions may ride a seesaw of attraction and repulsion that makes it hard to know where things stand. The Moon in enthusiastic Sagittarius joins the outgoing Sun very late on Thursday night. This New Moon is also a Solar Eclipse, provoking powerful feelings and sometimes fears of loss or abandonment. But this is no time to sentimentally hold on to old patterns or expectations. The decks are clear so that relationships can be viewed from a fresh perspective. Of course, sunny Sagittarius sometimes raises hopes so high that it’s very hard to live up to them, so avoid making (or believing in) promises that are unlikely to be kept.

Messages are very mixed on Saturday as the love planet Venus enters reliable and committed Capricorn, where well-thought-out plans are essential ingredients to romance. But Venus’ stressful square with unpredictable Uranus produces sudden shifts of mood. Being open to new experiences is a good way to use this experimental energy since traditional activities are likely to seem boring. Be careful; hasty decisions might shake up current partnerships more than you want or encourage leaping into the arms of a new lover too soon.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 25th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 25, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I’m certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of “skipping” shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 24

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Your Weekly Love Horoscopes for November 21st

A more cautious and down to earth approach to relationships is recommended this week. Chatty Mercury turns retrograde in enthusiastic Sagittarius on Thursday, tempting us to make promises that are difficult to keep. Romantic Venus’ shift into responsible Capricorn on Saturday doesn’t leave much room for error, so move carefully if you don’t want to make any mistakes.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Reining in your enthusiasm is essential to earning and maintaining trust this weekend. The outgoing Sagittarius Moon encourages you to overlook practical matters in your desire for excitement. However, loving Venus’ entry into serious Capricorn on Saturday suggests that your behavior will have lasting effects on your relationships. It’s perfectly fine to pursue pleasure, but exercising a little self-control goes a long way to gaining respect from those you admire.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Speaking frankly may rock your relationship boat this weekend, but withholding important feelings could be even worse. The outspoken Sagittarius Moon is traveling through your 8th House of Intimacy on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday, stirring up thoughts that you may not be able to keep to yourself. Additionally, your romantic ruling planet Venus enters your 9th House of Truth on Saturday, gently reminding you that honesty is the best policy. Wait for the appropriate moment and then deliver your message with kindness for the best possible outcome.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

This could be an intense weekend with a potential for emotional extremes. The Sagittarius Moon’s presence in your 7th House of Partners on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday should enliven your social life. Your enthusiasm connects you with outgoing people, making it easy to share good times. Yet valuable Venus’ entry into responsible Capricorn on Saturday can put a distinct chill in the air. Exhibiting maturity and patience helps you gracefully adapt to any sudden changes in the emotional atmosphere.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Expect things to shift in matters of the heart when loving Venus enters loyal Capricorn and your 7th House of Partners on Saturday. However, even this orderly sign cannot keep surprises from shaking up relationships. Sweet Venus forms a stressful square with unruly Uranus to wake up and electrify your connections with others. Feelings and plans can change in an instant; exercising your flexibility is essential to managing the chaotic energy without panicking. Keep your sense of humor intact as laughter is the best way to relax the tension in the air.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It’s playtime for you when the Moon dances into adventurous Sagittarius and your 5th House of Romance on Thursday night. You shouldn’t find it difficult to have fun and to attract all the attention your heart desires this weekend. There is, though, a possibility that you will take some personal risks that can push people to extremes. Some may be delighted by your bold and brash behavior while others could be shocked by your aggressiveness. Stop for a moment to consider your audience before you continue your show, and no one’s feelings will get hurt.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Messages are wildly mixed this weekend because the love planet Venus moves into your romantic 5th house on Saturday, which usually makes you more captivating to others. However, radical Uranus’ stressful square to sensual Venus springs surprises that could knock your plans for a loop with a sudden change of heart. Though if you’re willing to play in new and unfamiliar ways, you could have a shockingly good time.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Pleasure could be right around the next corner this weekend with the friendly Sagittarius Moon playing in your 3rd House of Environment on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday. If you’re searching for a new companion, the spotlight on this neighborly part of your chart can connect you with someone not far from where you live. If you already have a partner, expect some lively conversations that surprise you with their openness and honesty. The truth could be unsettling, so speak with care and compassion if you don’t want to shake someone up or turn your love life upside down.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may feel carefree about spending your money and expending your energy with the Moon traveling in outgoing Sagittarius and your 2nd House of Resources on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday. It’s appropriate to take some risks now and invest more in yourself. Of course, going too far can be costly, but if you stretch your boundaries you will create more opportunities for romantic encounters. However, if a situation doesn’t turn out as you expect, don’t let your disappointment discourage you from continuing to take chances on love.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The emotional Moon is hanging out in your sign this Thursday night, Friday and Saturday, which tends to dramatize your feelings. Going from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of despair makes for a wild and potentially uncomfortable experience. If you’re able to moderate your actions and attitudes, your weekend will be more enjoyable. However, playing it safe is not your usual strategy. So if you still want to shoot for the Moon, buckle up and prepare yourself for a ride that you may never forget.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Venus, the planet of love, moves into your disciplined sign on Saturday. While this transit is quite favorable for enjoying your relationships and attracting new people into your world, this weekend could get off to a rocky start. Revolutionary Uranus challenges resourceful Venus, creating chaos, surprises or breakthroughs in matters of the heart. Be ready to turn your plans in a radical new direction at a moment’s notice, since hunkering down and trying to stick with the methods of the past is unlikely to work.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Friends and colleagues can add a kick to your personal life with the exuberant Sagittarius Moon’s presence in your 11th House of Groups on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday. Just don’t expect others to be especially reliable now since plans can change instantaneously. A strong attraction to someone who isn’t emotionally available could inspire you to try some risky behavior. Carefully consider the consequences first before letting your impulses lead you into a sticky situation.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You should attract plenty of attention if you’re in a position of leadership on Thursday night, Friday and Saturday. The adventurous Sagittarius Moon is traveling through your 10th House of Public Responsibility, which puts you in the spotlight while you’re taking care of business. It’s your turn to take the initiative to create relationship magic. It may seem like a risky move, but you’re better off pushing the limits than playing it safe in your pursuit of love.

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 21st

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stinky feet day, today. Don’t go to a Japanese restaurant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

daily humorscopes for sunday, november 20th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, November 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 19th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, November 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, November 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of rodents.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He’s just being crabby, if you ask me.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you’re at it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 17th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you’re an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of short people.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 15th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will tell you today “Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school.” Despite being forwarned, you won’t have anything to say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there – how many of them wouldn’t want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow?