A Laugh for Today – 54 Jokes for Anyone with a Sense of Humor

(These jokes are not posted to offend anyone I just have a dry, sometimes twisted sense of humor) From Reader’s Digest

Dark jokes may seem a bit taboo, but sometimes it’s OK to just laugh. We promise we won’t tell anyone that you did.

Life can be a real challenge sometimes, and during those times you may just have to laugh it out—even if that means getting a little dark. While these may not be the best jokes to crack with your mother-in-law or boss, it’s OK to giggle at them on your own or even with some like-minded friends. Dark jokes aren’t for everyone, but laughing at dark jokes could mean you’re a genius. Genius or not, there’s no harm in letting off some steam on the harder days with some dark humor.

1. I don’t have a carbon footprint.
I just drive everywhere.

2. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted.

3. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!

4. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?
“T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”

5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

6. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

7. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

8. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.

9. Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

10. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.

Feeling cheesy? Try these corny jokes that will make everyone laugh while they roll their eyes.

11. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

12. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

13. Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.

14. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

15. I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!

16. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

17. What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.

18. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

19. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

20. You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

21. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

22. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.

23. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”

24. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

25. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.

26. My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.

27. A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

28. Imagine when you walked into a bar and there was a lengthy line of individuals ready to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.

29. Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

30. “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

31. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

32. Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.

33. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

34. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.

35. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

36. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

37. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

38. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

39. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

40. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.

41. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

42. What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.

43. I have a fish that can breakdance.
Just for 20 seconds though and only once.

44. What’s pink and dangerous for your tooth?
A brick.

45. “I work with animals,” the man says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”
“I’m a butcher,” he says.

46. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

47. Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”
They looked horrified.

48. My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Turns out I’m adopted.

49. When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.

50. Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.

51. Do the very last thing my grandfather stated to me earlier than he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

52. Well, it is true that humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as recent research suggests. I agree because I can’t remember when last I enjoyed eating a monkey.

53. Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.

54. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.

Ostara: The Promise

Ostara, the vernal equinox, is celebration of rebirth and renewal. It’s the promise of eternal life. The green world holds the promise of rebirth.  The grass greens sand a veil of green mists the trees. Daffodil foliage pierces the soil, greeting the spring Sun. In the early evening the small Hylas or “peppers” can be heard singing the spring song from the swamp margins. It’s a song as ancient as time itself. It’s the voice of renewal and enduring life.

To observe Ostara’s promise of life’s eternal cycle, you’ll need two hard-boiled eggs. Place them on your altar. Hold one egg. Think of how it holds the promise of new life. Peel the egg and discard the shell. Slowly, with purpose, eat the egg. The white represents the future. The yolk represents the life-giving Sun. Last, decorate the second egg with life affirming design of your choice. Flowers, a cross, and a pentacle are a few ideas. Keep the egg for a while, then discard it.

Let Ostara’s promise of new life spark your energy and creativity.

By James Kambos in Llewellyn’s Witches’ Datebook 2024 Page 57

Mabon: The Bounty

The sabbat of Mabon observes the autumn equinox. It’s a time of Thanksgiving for the bounty of the earth and a time to observe nature’s decline into the dark season.

Mabon means “Great Son.” As the legend goes, Mabon the son of the Goddess, was abducted as a child and taken to the land of Avalon. He was freed and returned as a young man. The legend is used to explain nature’s decline in autumn and its return at Ostara. Even though we are entering the dark season, we are surrounded by bounty. Country markets overflow with pumpkins, apples, and autumn flowers.

To celebrate this time of bounty, decorate your altar with seasonal decor–pumpkins, mums, and leaves are ideas. Then in your Book of Shadows write down the bounty you are grateful for–family, home, career, etc. Leave your book open for a few days. Then review your list. Send loving thoughts to the people and things on your list. Put your book away.

The chill comes and the fingers of the dark earlier across the land, but we are surrounded by the bounty of Mabon.

By James Kambos in Llewellyn’s Witches’ Datebook 2024 Page 119

Spell for Friday – Past Life Spell

(YOU CAN COPY AND PASTE ANY SPELLS POSTED TO A DOCUMENT TO PRINT AND/OR SAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER)

Some of the Witchcraft/Magickal Correspondence for Friday

(YOU CAN COPY AND PASTE ANY COROSPONDENCES POSTED TO A DOCUMENT TO PRINT AND/OR SAVE ON YOUR COMPUTER)

Friday Source: whitewitchgrimoire.com

Planet: Venus
Colors: Pink and white

Date night! As tonight is Valentine’s Day for those who celebrate or care, which I don’t because every day is the Thunderdome of love up in this house, Venus is here to help bring everyone closer…rawr. But not just romantically, friendship is for Friday too. Anything to draw more love to you is for Friday, whether it’s self-love, sexual love or even mending a rift. Fridays are my best bath days too. Not just for purification, but have you ever done a glamour? Mirror mirror on the wall. I have a friend who found out I was a witch and in the conversation, I told her about a glamour because she had a date. She looked right at me and said “You bitch. I knew there were nights you just looked too good. That’s not fair” We used to go out back when we were both single. The feminine power of Venus is also good for crafting, harvesting herbs, making potions, and just flat getting your drink on. Now we all know why I go live on Fridays. Secret is out. If I am creating a tea or anything for healing, I like to craft on a Friday. And hey, I know you don’t smoke weed, I know this; but I’m gonna get you high today, ’cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… and you ain’t got shit to do. I smell Netflix and chill…. (movie reference #2).

Friday Source: thewitchandwand.com

Friday is the day of Venus, love, beauty, friendship, fertility, and sex.

Metal: Copper
Colors: Green, Light Blue, Pink
Gems and Stones: Emerald, Rose Quartz, Jade, Malachite
Botanicals: Apple, Rose, Sage, Vanilla, Cardamom, Thyme
Spellwork: Love, Friendship, Romance, Fertility, Pleasure, Luxury, Beauty

March 15 and 16, 2024 Current Moon Phase for the Northern and Southern Hemispheres

You can use this link to go forward or backward in time for Moon phase information. If you are curious, you can even find out what phase the Moon was in when you or anyone else was born.

The 8 Lunar Phases

There are 8 lunar phases the Moon goes through in its 29.53 days lunar cycle. The 4 major Moon phases are Full Moon, New Moon, First Quarter and Last Quarter. Between these major phases, there are 4 minor ones: the Waxing Crescent, Waxing Gibbous, Waning Gibbous and Waning Crescent. For more info on the Moon Cycle and on each phase check out Wikipedia Lunar Phase page.

Useful Moon Resources

Check the weather before a night of Moon gazing at weather.com

For a list of all the current meteor showers visit American Meteor Society

Source: MoonGiant.com

Northern Hemisphere

March 15, 2024

The Moon’s current phase for today and tonight is a Waxing Crescent Phase. Best seen in the west after the sun dips below the horizon at sunset. This is the first Phase after the New Moon and is a great time to see the features of the moon’s surface. The moon is close to the sun in the sky and mostly dark except for the right edge of the moon which becomes brighter as the days get closer to the next phase which is a First Quarter with a 50% illumination.

Visit the March 2024 Moon Phases Calendar to see all the daily moon phase for this month.

Today’s Waxing Crescent Phase

The Waxing Crescent on March 15 has an illumination of 33%. This is the percentage of the Moon illuminated by the Sun. The illumination is constantly changing and can vary up to 10% a day. On March 15 the Moon is 5.71 days old. This refers to how many days it has been since the last New Moon. It takes 29.53 days for the Moon to orbit the Earth and go through the lunar cycle of all 8 Moon phases.

Phase Details

Phase: Waxing Crescent
Illumination: 33%
Moon Age: 5.71 days
Moon Angle: 0.53
Moon Distance: 378,191.94 km
Sun Angle: 0.54
Sun Distance: 148,821,596.16 km

Southern Hemisphere

16 March 2024

The Moon’s current phase for today and tonight is a Waxing Crescent Phase. Best seen in the west after the sun dips below the horizon at sunset. This is the first Phase after the New Moon and is a great time to see the features of the moon’s surface. The moon is close to the sun in the sky and mostly dark except for the right edge of the moon which becomes brighter as the days get closer to the next phase which is a First Quarter with a 50% illumination.

Visit the March 2024 Moon Phases Calendar to see all the daily moon phase for this month.

Today’s Waxing Crescent Phase

The Waxing Crescent on March 16 has an illumination of 43%. This is the percentage of the Moon illuminated by the Sun. The illumination is constantly changing and can vary up to 10% a day. On March 16 the Moon is 6.72 days old. This refers to how many days it has been since the last New Moon. It takes 29.53 days for the Moon to orbit the Earth and go through the lunar cycle of all 8 Moon phases.

Phase Details

Phase: Waxing Crescent
Illumination: 43%
Moon Age: 6.72 days
Moon Angle: 0.52
Moon Distance: 383,037.29 km
Sun Angle: 0.54
Sun Distance: 148,862,813.53 km

Divination Journal

Tarot Card

Source: Tarotx.net

The High Priestess – Major Arcana

Menu of Contents

 

I. Meaning of the High Priestess Gilded Tarot

II. Message of the High Priestess Gilded Tarot

III. Interpretation of the High Priestess Tarot in a spread

Animal Spirit Guide or Helper

Rune

Source: TheRuneSite.com

Ziu

Sound: “zz” as in “buzz”
Stands for: Thunderbolt of the God Ziu
Magick/Healing use: Concentrates and channels cosmic energies to maintain correct order.

Witch’s Rune

Source: wizardforest.com

SICKLE

Rune Sickle means sudden limits, sudden changes, when something is cut in your life. The rune hints that now it is important to refuse from something. It may warn about danger, injuries and illness. It is also connected with energy of skill and training. Maybe, it is time to get important knowledge. Key words: cutting of old things, creation of new, important warning, unexpected turn, disaster, manipulation, destruction of something

Sabbat: Mabon

Element: Air

Ogham

Source: LearnReligions.com

Amhancholl

Ae (sometimes represented as X or Xi), is Amhancholl or Eamhancholl, associated with Witch Hazel. This natural astringent is purifying and cleansing. The word Eamhancholl literally translates to “twin of Hazel”, so there is a strong connection to C–Coll in the Ogham. When Amhancholl appears, it’s usually an indicator that cleansing and purification is necessary or has taken place.

From a purely medicinal standpoint, Witch Hazel has long been used as a cleanser and astringent. Native American tribes turned it into a poultice which was used to treat swelling and tumors. Amongst the early settlers, midwives arriving in the New World found that it could be used to prevent sepsis following childbirth or an abortion. Today, it’s still in use as a treatment for skin inflammations, such as insect bites, mild burns, and even hemorrhoids.

Amhancholl Correspondences

Mundane Aspects: When this symbol appears, it means it’s time for a cleansing. Sometimes this is a physical cleansing of our Self, but often it applies to emotional clutter and baggage. Smudge your home, get rid of all the negative energies around you, and allow yourself to purify both your body and your mind.

Magical Aspects: This is a good indicator that you need to do a re-evaluation of your spiritual life. Are you studying things that no longer interest you? Are you hanging on to books or other magical items that you know you’ll never need–or worse, that you really dislike? If you’re feeling stagnant, or that you’re drifting a bit on a spiritual level, when this symbol appears it probably means you need to rethink your priorities. What are your spiritual goals? Do a cleansing ritual, and help yourself begin anew.

I Ching

Source: ichingonline.net

Hexagram Fifty- Two/52

Kên / The Mountain

Above this Mountain’s summit another more majestic rises:
The Superior Person is mindful to keep his thoughts in the here and now.

Stilling the sensations of the Ego, he roams his courtyard without moving a muscle, unencumbered by the fears and desires of his fellows.
This is no mistake.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

There is a higher vantage point available to you, but it is obscured by the visible peak of personal ambition.
To climb to this higher plane, you must shake off the desires and fears of the conscious, visible world around you.
To make this journey you must quiet the Ego, empty your mind of past and future, and dwell totally in the moment at hand.
Thorough mindfulness of what is before you is the only tranquility.
Be. Here. Now.

Numerology

Angel Number