the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
(July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
(August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
(September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
(February 19 – March 20)
A lot of people still do “spring cleaning”, but only a few families have preserved the tradition of “fall dirtying”. Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you’ll get to have some fun.