the daily humorscope
Friday, August 12, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn’t there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better – you probably aren’t a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!
Witches Of The Craft® 