Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for friday, august 12th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, August 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn’t there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better – you probably aren’t a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 11th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I’d make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 10th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime’s it’s hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it’s too late.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you’ll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes – your very own Hole.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 07, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, August 04, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you’ll have one of those baffling moments when you’re sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They’ll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren’t that type of person, and it’s no use pretending.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 3rd

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you’ve always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 2

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Deny everything.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You’ll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 1

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 01, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will pass a sign that says “invorp” today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means “put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them”. They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to begin writing that book you’ve been planning — “Growing Radishes Indoors”. It’s an idea whose time has come.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm — they can sense fear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Birthstones

The link between heavenly bodies and gems is continued in the concept of birthstones. Birthstone lists vary because some are arranged according to the zodiac and some according to calendar months. The list presented here is an abbreviated list of the most authentic traditions. However, it is always  more beneficial to use a stone to which you are attracted too, rather than one you feel you should have simply because it is linked to your zodiac sun sign, which is only one aspect of your full birthchart.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – carnelian, bloodstone, jasper, diamond

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) – tourmaline, tiger’s eye, topaz, emerald.

Gemini ( May 21 – Jun. 20) – aquamarine, citrine, chrysocolla, tiger’s eye, pearl

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) – moonstone, pearl, ruby, emerald

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug 22) – ruby, heliodor, sunstone, clear quartz

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) – sapphire, peridot, carnelian, citrine

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22) – lapis lazuli, opal, aventurine, peridot

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – obsidian, Herkimer diamond, topaz, aquamarine

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – blue quartz, amethyst, malachite, turquoise

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – jet, black onyx cl,ear quartz, black tourmaline

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – amethyst, sapphire, chalcedony, garnet

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) – turquoise, pearl, rose quartz, aquamarine

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 30

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 30, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when’s the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you should enjoy “postlaunch solarizing.” Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It’s your life, you tell me.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 29th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, July 29, 2011

 

the dailyAries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a “weapon of incredible range and power”. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as “a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 28

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink…when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find that it is true – every thing is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic. Well, except for running shoes, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization”. Time to go on a diet!

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 26

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Continue hiding.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscope for Monday, July 25, 2011

the daily humorscope 

Monday, July 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You’ll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, july 24

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you’re out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That’s night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 23

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 23, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find solace, and it won’t look at all like you expected.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: “Uh, Yo:” (Well, that’s how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 21

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Doug.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You’ll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to sneak.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 19th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a large diet coke. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.