the daily humorscope
Monday, June 13, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of rodents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.