Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Days Of The Week Comments

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger

Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.  

Magickal Graphics

Your Business & Career Horoscopes for the Week of May 21

Your Business & Career Horoscopes for the Week of May 21

Aries

It’s where you’ve been held back or penned in on the work front that you’re finally able to put your foot down and go for it this week, spurred on by a new sense of urgency on the income front. It was only last week that Mars, planet of passion, drive and ambition faced his last hurdle and not due to leave your work sector until the 4th July what has been a marathon is switching back to a sprint again. As you come into the home straight of a journey that began last November, you’re no longer green behind the ears and you have a wealth of experience and professional hindsight to draw on. This allows you to pick your battles wisely at what is a time for putting your head down and your tail up, putting everything you have into everything you do.

Taurus

There is a new level of confidence on the work front this week and it’s coming from the fact that things have shifted to support your hard work and effort and all the drudge work put in, in the past. Saturn, the only planet in either of your professional houses, has been in retrograde motion in your work sector since early February and will remain in retrograde motion until later next month, so nothing has changed as far as he’s concerned. It’s still all about putting your head down and your tail up, putting in the hard work behind the scenes that you need to but more that the conditions have changed. Saturn is no longer under pressure, so the work pressure should have eased right back, but it’s support and confidence on the income front that has changed all the filters.

Gemini

There is a chance to pull back this week. It was just last week that the last in a series of Mars oppositions, that has put direct pressure on your career sector, finally ran its course. Where this created professional pressure and work/life balance pressures specifically, you’ve had a chance to learn a lot and take heed of any wake up calls. But with the pressure gone and both Neptune and Chiron, the planets staying on to keep your professional game on a roll slowing down, ahead of their retrograde turn early next month, there is no longer any urgency. Instead there is a chance to pull back this week and work with the cards already on the table. This is now all about the big picture and it’s that big picture that you have a chance to refer back to now, with a chance to get your bearings.

Cancer

Pay attention to any work pressure early in the week, finding a balance between avoiding sweating the small stuff and not sticking your head in the sand. It’s on Monday, 2 weeks to the day before a lunar eclipse in your work sector is likely to see fate reveal the final wildcard up its sleeve, that the Moon and Sun will align to push some buttons. This comes at the start of the month long wind down to your current solar year, when there is a need to start conserving energy and to pace yourself. This may present as a case of Mondayitis, in which case you need to humour yourself and not push through this, telling yourself to buck up. There is a serious need to slow down and to look at where any expectations are coming from. A slower approach may see you accomplish more in the long run.

Leo

Moving into the new week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your career sector would suggest that this is going to be a professionally charged week and while it will remain an important professional week, things ease back dramatically while becoming more urgent at the same time. With the Sun and Moon leaving your career sector on Monday, Mercury on Thursday and none meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years, all your cards are now on the table. It’s the insight, professional instincts and intellectual savvy that the Sun, Moon and Mercury leave you with that allow you to move into what is the end game ready to play your A game. With Jupiter leaving on the 12th June it’s time to bring things home.

Virgo

Venus’ retrograde turn in your career sector last week and her first full week in retrograde motion suggests this should be a fairly quiet professional week, with the focus on the past and on working behind the scenes. While this will play a part in this week’s dynamics this is anything but a behind the scenes week, with your professional game being thrust into the limelight in the early hours of the week. It’s on Monday that the Sun and Moon not only return to your career sector within hours of each other, but align to form a solar eclipse on Monday. This opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities, just as Venus is opening the door to the past and second chances. Mercury’s return to your career sector gives you the intellectual savvy to manage a changing professional landscape.

Libra

You have a chance to rest on your laurels this week. It was only last Thursday that work pressure began to ease off, yet unlike the false starts of the past, this time you really have crossed your final hurdle. Pay attention as your professional instincts kick in, from Thursday or Friday onwards, for what you’ll be picking up on is the Moon’s return to your career sector, for what is his last visit before new doors open in less than 2 weeks time. Once new doors open on the career front, from the 7th June onwards, they’ll remain open for the next 3 months, bringing you to the most important professional months of the year, especially when it comes to looking at where to from here. This makes it important to step back this week, catching your breath before the next wave.

Scorpio

Things have eased back considerably on the work front, to a point where you’re now able to focus more on pacing yourself, keeping what has been put in motion in play. Mercury only left your work sector on the 9th May, so this is still early days and with Uranus staying on to keep things on track, it’s less about the push to bring things up to speed and more about being in the driver’s seat, keeping things on the road. It’s the Moon’s return to your career sector on Saturday, a month to the day before new doors are due to open, that gives you a chance to both sharpen your professional instincts and look ahead. This gives you your first real glimpse of what will be the defining months of your professional year, with a chance to start looking ahead to new mountains and goals to conquer.

Sagittarius

Despite a professionally driven start to the week, expect things to ease back. It was only last week that Mars faced his final hurdle and not due to leave your career sector until the 4th July, his professional passions move into the overdrive this week, ready to make up for lost time. At the same time you begin the week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your work sector, completing one of the most formidable line ups you’ve gone into a new working week with all year. Yet while you still have several more weeks to bring things up to speed on the career front, on the work front this is the end game. The Sun and Moon leave your work sector on Monday and Mercury on Thursday and with Jupiter leaving 3 weeks later it’s time to wrap things up and tie up loose ends.

Capricorn

After Venus’ retrograde turn in your work sector last week her first full week in retrograde motion should see things pull right back especially as Saturn, the only other planet in either of your professional houses, is also in retrograde motion in your career sector. While this does open the door to second chances on the work and career fronts, especially as Venus and Saturn are working together, this is destined to be anything but a quiet and behind the scenes week. It all changes dramatically when within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon not only return to your work sector on Monday, but align to form a solar eclipse. This opens the door to new beginnings and a game changing month on the work front, while the doors to second chances are also open.

Aquarius

Apart from a Full Moon in your career sector earlier in the month you’ve had no help from the professional gods this year, with no planetary activity in either of your professional houses so far this year. That’s about to change with Mercury returning to your work sector on the 7th June, opening the door to an active 3 months on the work front that will overlap the start of a much bigger phase on the career front, that won’t ease off until 2015. In short, your time on the professional sidelines is about to end, with the Moon’s last visit to your work sector before things kick off giving you a chance to sharpen your instincts, get your bearings and pick up on some valuable clues. Keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially between Thursday and Saturday.

Pisces

Look behind any work/life balance pressures, for it’s coming from buttons being pushed as planetary influence kicks in on the home front, inadvertently putting pressure on the very points on the career front that are due to come to a head during a lunar eclipse in just a few weeks time. At the same time this gives you a chance to address any work/life balance issues it also provides some valuable wake up calls, putting you on alert to developments that are likely to come to a head during the lunar eclipse in your career sector on the 4th June. It’s the Moon’s return to your work sector on Saturday, a month to the day before Mercury returns and opens the door to the first planetary activity here for the year that gives you a chance to tap into any clues, hunches and insights ahead of time.

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for May 21st

Aries

Ever since Venus, planet of love returned to your communication sector early last month, communication has become even more important, especially on the relationship front. With Venus already opening the door to second chances and an opportunity to give the past and unsaid words a voice, today creates an opportunity for new beginnings as well.

Taurus

As your birthday month comes to an end you’re able to create a real line in the sand, distancing yourself from the romantic setbacks and challenges of recent weeks and months, ready to move on. Any roadblocks are behind you and the most romantically charged and important relationship months of the year lay in front of you.

Gemini

If how a new solar year begins is any indication of how it will continue, then this is destined to be a big year on both the personal and romantic fronts. Your new solar year kicks off today with a solar eclipse, opening some major new doors and providing a real tailwind, at a time when the door is open to second chances on the romantic front.

Cancer

Just when you thought the focus on the past couldn’t be more extreme with Venus, planet of love in retrograde motion in an already nostalgic part of your chart and Pluto in retrograde motion in your relationship sector, it does just that today. As you begin the process of wrapping up your solar year, the solar spotlight shifts to the road behind.

Leo

This is a day for coming out in defence of your heart and your romantic confidence, which could get a bit of a bruising during today’s solar eclipse. But with a lunar eclipse in your romantic sector in just 14 days time this is more a wakeup call, with a chance to look at what’s still pushing your buttons and why.

Virgo

There is a real sense of relief in the air, as whatever relationship hurdles you needed to cross are now behind you. In fact, things are settling down so much on the relationship front and such a steady sense of momentum is now possible, that you run the risk of letting a growing professional focus swamp things.

Libra

There is a new sense of freedom and liberation being felt on both the romantic and relationship fronts, that is giving you permission to let both your love life and your relationships take their natural and intended course. This is not only influencing your journey forward but the way that you’re looking back on the past.

Scorpio

Both the Moon and Sun leave your relationship sector today, bringing to an end a defining month on the relationship front, but in a way that leaves you with a sense that there is still more to be done. At the same time that the Sun leaves you with some reality checks the Moon leaves you with an intuitive sense of what’s a priority and what isn’t.

Sagittarius

There is a very dramatic turn of events on the relationship front today, with the Sun and Moon not only returning to your relationship sector within hours of each other, but aligning to form a solar eclipse. With zero build up this might take you by surprise, suddenly opening new doors just as you’re adjusting the old doors that are now open.

Capricorn

Within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon leave your romantic sector today and in both cases it will be another 12 years before either meet up with lucky Jupiter here again. This makes it important to hold onto the realistic and intuitive read they give you of your heart and romantic needs and situation, taking the messages on board and to heart.

Aquarius

Today is one of the most important days of your romantic year, more because of the huge turning point created by not only the Sun and the Moon’s return to your romantic sector, but the solar eclipse this creates. Having a solar eclipse on Day 1 of what was always going to be game changing months, creates a chance to draw a real line in the sand.

Pisces

There is no doubt that you’ve turned a corner on the relationship front, but also that the journey isn’t complete. With the objectives, challenges and roadblocks behind you you’re in the rebuilding phase and the glue and nails that will help you build better and stronger relationships moving forward are words and good intentions.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 17th

It feels like a brand new world with the Moon in pioneering Aries today, yet her opposition to restrictive Saturn can hold us back until we have a better idea of where we’re going. And although we are building momentum now that energetic Mars is speeding up, we may nostalgically look back at what we had with Venus a couple days into her retrograde cycle. Nevertheless, we are still heading toward big changes that grow more inevitable every day.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are being offered a new deal when the Moon visits your excitable sign, emphasizing the extraordinary potential that unexpected opportunities bring. You can’t rely on old assumptions anymore since the rules are changing as you play the game. Don’t be cocky and think that everything you imagine will unfold according to your plans. You have something important to learn from the obstacles you now face in spite of your good intentions.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’re at another turning point in your life, but everything could seem more important now than it actually is. It still may take several months to gain clarity about your long-term goals, yet your current choices are instrumental in setting a new direction. Don’t be overly concerned if you can’t synthesize your desires into one single goal. Just allow your daydreams to flow without analysis; you will have plenty of time to make sense of it all later on.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You wish you could bounce around from one amazing distraction to another today, but you are afraid that others might perceive you as being flighty and unreliable. Unfortunately, your restlessness only increases if you attempt to restrain yourself by finishing every single thing you start. Luckily, you will have time to complete projects soon enough; just enjoy your high spirits now, even if you’re secretly worried that you’re just wasting your time and energy.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You might feel as if someone is pushing you to go faster than you prefer. Fortunately, you are enthusiastic about the prospects of where your work is leading, even if the potential instability also brings up old issues about your fear of change. Don’t let old memories get in the way of current opportunities. Thankfully, you won’t need to sacrifice too much security in order to keep up with how fast your life is unfolding.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Someone with authority may be granting you the freedom of choice now. You are being offered a fresh start, but you still have to take the initiative in order to follow your dreams. The path you choose may require time to manifest, but this is the chance to set your intentions. Take action today. Even if you don’t have all the details figured out, you can put the pieces together along the way.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may be increasingly aware that something is missing from your life. It’s tricky to describe what you’re feeling now, but you realize that it’s time to let go of your old assumptions about what you can do. You might feel as if you’re being swept up by a big wave. However, if you say no and try to resist, you could end up regretting that you missed an opportunity of a lifetime.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Too much drama isn’t your idea of a good time, but someone could rock your world today by bringing surprising news, a significant opportunity or an innovative idea. However, it’s not wise to jump too quickly. Instead, exercising cautious optimism is a better strategy since anything that enters your life now looks better than it really is. Nevertheless, if you don’t turn your life inside out, you could take an important step on a major journey.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Making small improvements to your lifestyle by introducing new habits into your daily routine can have lasting positive impact. Fortunately, it’s easier than you expect to move past an old emotional pattern that prevents you from taking the next step on your path. However, there’s no latitude for halfway measures today. You know exactly what you must do now, so don’t delay any longer.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although waves of nostalgia tempt you to hold on to the past, you have a narrow window of opportunity now to launch yourself into the future. Luckily, you aren’t one to turn down an invitation for a great adventure, so go ahead and set your sights on a far-off galaxy, strap on your seat belt and prepare for blast-off. Just don’t let your confidence grow into arrogance because you’re still likely to encounter a little turbulence along the way.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You need to reinvent your life now by remembering your personal history and retelling your story from a fresh perspective. Creating a new framework for the past enables you to envision radically different possibilities for the future. Nevertheless, your desire to break free from your present circumstances might stress you out because of the lack of security. Don’t worry if you need additional time to get everything in order before you make your move. It’s helpful to look back; just remember to also look ahead.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You can’t avoid the realization that your life is changing and the speed of events in your personal world seems to be accelerating. Even if you aren’t keeping up with everything, there’s no need for worry because the new routine looks like a lot of fun. However, if you experience self-doubt, remember that he who hesitates is lost. Ultimately, you can figure out a way to make it all work.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may express a sigh of relief today as the pressure for change temporarily eases. Just keep in mind that your current growth phase isn’t finished; you simply have a chance now to move a project along at your own speed by taking a good idea and developing it further. You might be tempted to immediately jump right in, but impulsive actions won’t create the lasting results you seek. It’s more important to build momentum strategically than to rush ahead without knowing where you are going.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 17th

Earlier this month in the calendar, I reminded you that solar and planetary alignments don’t just disappear in one day. Therefore, several of yesterday’s key aspects are still sending thunderbolts into human territory as well as the kingdoms of nature. For example, Wednesday’s Jupiter-Saturn, Sun-Pluto, Mars-Pluto, Ceres-Neptune, and Mars-Chiron cosmic associations remain white-hot influences in all of our lives, but they are operating more in the background or in the subconscious universe. In the meantime, we now have several other celestial-body interactions – notably Mercury making an inspirational, 72-degree link to Neptune (12:28AM PDT), Mercury uniting with Ceres (1:04AM PDT), Pallas trine to Juno (11:03AM PDT), the Moon beginning a void lunar uncertainty cycle in Aries at 2:45PM PDT that lasts until 3:04AM PDT tomorrow, Jupiter making a caustic, 135-degree tie to underworld-ruling Pluto (4:23PM PDT), and Pallas entering Aries (9:19PM PDT). We have less interplanetary fisticuffs than yesterday, but like Wednesday the King of the Gods – Jupiter – appears to be in another foul mood. First Jupiter was throwing a haymaker at Saturn (yesterday) and now the largest planet in the solar system is casting aspersions in the direction of distant Pluto. Over the next year, Jupiter will wreak some of his playful havoc on earthlings nine more times as he satisfies the urge to reveal his stature as ringleader of the gods and goddesses who used to rule Ancient Roman society. Whether he deserves our prayers, deference, and rituals of incense burning now is a questionable matter. Overall, there is a similar feeling today as it existed yesterday that you are better off being ultra-careful on the investment and career horizons. Playing with cosmic fire can backfire with nasty consequences. The addition of a fairly long void-of-course Moon is the reminder to be seen, but not heard.

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 16th

Our willpower is intense and our stamina strong as energetic Mars harmonizes with relentless Pluto today. We need this deep reserve of power now because the impulsive Aries Moon triggers quick reactions, but without the follow-through needed to finish what we start. Nevertheless, we still may grow discouraged when we realize that we won’t reach our goals overnight as confident Jupiter runs into an irritating quincunx with taskmaster Saturn.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The Moon’s current visit to your active sign pushes you through some pretty bumpy territory today, but you’re capable of standing up to whatever challenges come your way. Handling the obstacles in your path requires hard work, yet you probably won’t feel depleted now even if you put out a lot of energy. But your good intentions won’t likely be enough; pace yourself and don’t quit, even if you face a minor setback along the way.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your determination comes in handy today as you try to remedy a complex situation that has created its share of stress. Although you might not be able to put everything back together right away, don’t give up. Steer clear of taking a shortcut; temporary patches and quick fixes are not a smart idea. A little extra persistence will help you find a positive solution to the problem.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You aren’t eager to stand up to a powerful person now and even just thinking about a confrontation makes you anxious. Luckily, the process should go more smoothly once you start a constructive conversation. Don’t freeze under pressure; you can outmaneuver nearly anyone if you remain mentally agile. If you are willing to learn from your opponent today, you will probably end up getting exactly what you need from the interaction.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Someone’s bad behavior doesn’t have to be a showstopper if you nip the problem in the bud. However, your plan could backfire if you try to suppress the expression of fear or anger. The smartest way to respond to this tricky situation now is to engage the other person by showing genuine concern and asking probing questions. Once you understand what’s happening, you can deal with the tension out in the open instead of shadowboxing with a hidden enemy.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Concerns about self-worth and net worth are more intertwined than you might think. Thankfully, you may feel quite optimistic because you’re in touch with the power of your emotions today. This is a good time to close a sale or ask for a raise, since your confidence inspires others. If your current actions are supported by your job performance, you are likely to get the money that you want out of the deal.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are feeling special today, but relationships may be so intense now that life seems a bit overwhelming. You are tempted to go overboard by demonstrating your partnering skills because you want to give a special someone a show that he or she won’t forget. Luckily, the results could be extremely rewarding as long as you don’t lose sight of your purpose. If you put too much effort into appearing unrealistically perfect, others might walk away. Simply being yourself is your best strategy.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Maintaining your concentration is nearly impossible today if your curiosity is aroused. It’s difficult to ignore the information that is coming your way now because you realize its significance. However, you might be so sure of yourself that new facts won’t change your mind. Even if you think that you know what to do, remain open to the possibility of changing your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be in a positive state of mind because your plans are unfolding on schedule now. But something is gnawing away at the edges of your awareness, no matter how upbeat you are feeling. Instead of attempting to ignore your pangs of uncertainty, explore the origins of your current doubts. Expand your thinking to integrate your fears; once you adjust to the new landscape, you should be able to navigate around the shadows of your subconscious without being afraid of the dark.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Expressing your feelings today might heat things up more than you expect, so it’s a good idea to proceed slowly. Unfortunately, suppressing your ideas adds tension to your relationships with co-workers. Although it may be challenging to strike a manageable balance between your optimism and your pessimism now, don’t give up. Do your best to keep communication channels open even if there’s no obvious resolution in sight.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be in a very expressive mood today, but what you’re saying isn’t easy for everyone to hear. Your uncharacteristic emotional intensity can surprise others and set them off balance. Yet, you aren’t interested in lighthearted banter; you want to go deep. Don’t waste your energy getting angry with someone who won’t match your serious attitude. Instead of trying to change anyone; observe your feelings and work to transform them in a positive manner.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow restless today, especially if loved ones are being so nice to you that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Other people’s pleasantries might even seem like a sign of weakness. But don’t mistakenly harden your position now just to demonstrate your strength. Practice being strong and yielding at the same time, instead. Staying flexible in thought helps you move through your day with grace and gratitude.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be motivated by a co-worker or partner who seems to have all the answers today. Fortunately, competent peers help you be more productive now, but that isn’t a reason to give up your power to others. Instead look at the role you play in your own success, even if you are just one member on a team. Working with amazing people doesn’t have to rob you of your self-esteem if you’re willing to acknowledge your valuable contribution to the group effort.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

Correspondences for Tuesday, May 15th

Days Of The Week Comments 

Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 15th

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger 
Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.   
Magickal Graphics

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, May 15

We are determined to reach our goals, but may be frustrated because satisfaction seems just out of our grasp as beautiful Venus begins her 6-week retrograde phase. We try to be practical today, yet we are drawn back into our fantasies with the Moon in dreamy Pisces. The Moon’s shift into feisty Aries at 5:45 pm EDT increases our restlessness, but patience is rewarded now that Venus’ harmonious trine to Saturn delays gratification.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Managing your money requires more of your time now that you are attempting to solidify your financial position. You must focus your attention if you have put off your fiscal responsibilities. It’s challenging to deal with the real issues because you are so easily distracted these days. Nevertheless, you can quickly eliminate some unnecessary expenses simply by cutting back on a few social activities. Graciously declining an invitation today gives you more time to get your affairs in order.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Close friends and co-workers may perceive you as being more stable than you currently feel. It’s not that you’re hiding anything from them now; it’s just that you can use your charm to cover up your insecurities. Thankfully, you have a chance to build your self-esteem over the next few weeks, especially if you can be vulnerable with someone you trust. Expressing your uncertainty opens the door to a deeper conversation and a more intimate connection.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Everything seems to be moving too fast, yet you are being given an opportunity to slow down now that sweet Venus turns retrograde in your restless sign. Unfortunately, you might feel that personal relationships are overly complicated, yet you don’t want to lose what you already have gained. Thankfully, if you bring your concerns out into the open in a kind and gentle manner, you can establish an important foundation for whatever comes next.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You’re so close to achieving your goal, but now you may feel like you’re falling short as Venus turns retrograde just before reaching your sign. Whether you like it or not, it’s as if your personal fulfillment has been put on hold. Nevertheless, the weeks ahead can still bring happiness. Just remember that immediate gratification is only temporary, but working toward a meaningful long-term goal sustains your feelings of well-being.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your career objectives continue to be in the spotlight, and you really want your friends and co-workers to appreciate your efforts. Unfortunately, they don’t seem interested in going out of their way now just to make you feel good. Don’t actively seek recognition; pursuing fame only delays the recognition you want. Just stick to the tasks at hand and do the best job you can. The right people will acknowledge your contribution, even if it takes longer than you want.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You have a very realistic attitude about your long-term goals now, but you see two extremely different paths that could lead to the same ultimate destination. Your friends and associates may give you conflicting advice; nevertheless, you still need to make a decision. Instead of listening to everyone else’s opinions, make a list of all the pros and cons for each option. Your judgment will steer you in the right direction today as long as you trust the facts rather than your emotions.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You are particularly sensitive to your key planet Venus as she begins her retrograde cycle today, pulling you backwards in time. Frustrations could get in the way of your creative energy if you try to take a shortcut. But you can be wonderfully productive over the next couple of months if you’re willing to work methodically. Your challenge now is to harness your ambition and turn it into a practical plan that you can put into action.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your insatiable need to understand the deeper significance of things is sufficient to slow you down these days. You are dismayed that others are more driven to have a good time than they are to learn something new. Thankfully, you’re able to lean on a few very special friends from your past for the kind of support that you need. Ultimately, your ability to speak your truth inspires your friends to engage in the intense kind of interaction you seek.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Slow and steady actually has a better chance at winning the race today. But this isn’t just a clever phrase from an old children’s story. You must think like the tortoise now, and take one careful step after the next. If you race ahead like the hare, you’ll only run into difficulties later on. Planning for the distant future is pointless now unless you take care of things in the present moment.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Pragmatic Earth energy abounds today, requiring you to analyze what you know again and again, before altering your direction. Everything at work seems to be moving along rather slowly, increasing your anxiety and triggering fantasies of running away. Although you could benefit from having more time to complete your job than you planned on, the delays can be rather frustrating. Nevertheless, don’t put off working on a project; it’s easier to accomplish something now than you might think at first.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be required to untangle a melodramatic soap opera in which you appear to play a leading role as romantic Venus does her retrograde dance in your 5th House of Love. Even if your life is relatively quiet now, you still could experience several weeks of relationship stress. Thankfully, differences can be resolved with repeated attempts to understand one another through honest dialogue. Compromise is the key to relationship success.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Domestic stress puts you through your paces during the weeks ahead, as Venus backtracks through your 4th House of Home and Family. It feels as if there are serious issues that need your immediate concern and intervention. Just don’t waste your precious energy trying to fix everything all at once. You can’t. Simply acknowledging that it will take time to work everything out can alleviate the pressure and help you cope on a daily basis.

Your Daily Romance Horoscopes for May 15th

Aries

During her last full day in direct motion Venus is working to ensure that your heart has a voice, but also that you are staying in the moment. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but not due to turn retrograde until tomorrow she’s not retracing her steps either, with the here and now the only thing you can focus on.

Taurus

In her last full day in direct motion Venus, planet of love and romance has come to a complete stop, giving you a chance to stay in the moment. This allows you to look out over the next few months in a way that doesn’t require action and chances are you’ll like what you see, even if you can’t explain a buoyant sense of romantic confidence.

Gemini

This is a day for staying in the moment and when it comes to your heart and all things romantic, to hold onto the stillness of the moment. At a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your sign tomorrow Venus is neither moving forward or moving backwards, creating a stillness around your heart that allows you to get inside what you really feel and want.

Cancer

A very busy and active 3 months on the professional front only ended last week and chances are you’re still working to recover the right work/life balance. This is something that will happen naturally and with the door to the past already open on the relationship front and about to open on the romantic front, it’s never too late to make up for lost time.

Leo

The Moon’s visit to your relationship sector over the weekend may have evoked some seemingly contradictory responses, yet there is no right or wrong. There will always be too realities, one the fantasy of what could be and the other the harsh reality checks, with a need to favour neither but instead work on finding a middle ground between the two.

Virgo

As Mars, planet of passion draws closer to an opposition with Chiron, planet of healing in your relationship sector, the more you’re likely to feel personal and relationship pressure building. Yet this is the last hurdle you’ll have to cross and with the Moon in your relationship sector you’re able to get to the bottom of what’s pushing your buttons and why.

Libra

When Mercury, planet of communication left your relationship sector last week he wrapped up an active and defining 3 months on the relationship front, to a point where what you see now is what you’ll get. It’s where Mercury spent time helping you to open the communication lines that you need to take over, ensuring the ball isn’t dropped.

Scorpio

Having the Moon in your romantic sector in what is a powerful and important relationship week gives you a chance to keep things in perspective. While there may be some pressure or tension, it’s more a case that the healing process is underway, for if you can’t feel you can’t heal. Stay in the moment as much as possible.

Sagittarius

As Venus, planet of love spends her last full day in direct motion in your relationship sector this puts you in a bit of a no man’s land. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but because she hasn’t turned retrograde yet she’s not moving backwards either. Forget where you’ve been or where you’re going and stay in the moment.

Capricorn

With the Sun just 6 days away from leaving your romantic sector and Mercury spending his first, last and only full week here, there is a new sense of urgency, as you sense that where you once had plenty of time that this has changed. It’s time to open your eyes to what you want from love, to where you need to take responsibility and work to give your heart a voice.

Aquarius

There is a sense of stillness surrounding your heart today that needs to be protected at all costs, by staying in the moment. Venus, planet of love is at a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your romantic sector tomorrow, but no longer moving forward but having not yet turned back, everything is in suspended animation today.

Pisces

Instead of moving into your romantic sector, as she should have by now Venus, planet of love has come to a standstill ahead of her U turn tomorrow. While she won’t now return until August the romantic conditions will be much better then, as well as buying you extra time now to focus on your relationships

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 15th

The Moon in Pisces makes supportive, 60-degree ties to Jupiter (2:10AM PDT) and the Sun (5:00AM PDT). The first hook-up is a definite mind-expander and optimism-booster. The Moon connection with the Sun – as it is building up to exactitude – is equally auspicious, but in a more general, all-around manner. However, once the Moon and Sun reach their precise 60-degree rapport, the lunar orb becomes void until 2:47PM PDT when the Moon enters fiery Aries. It is during this void uncertainty zone that Venus comes to a halt at 24 degrees of Gemini (7:34AM PDT) and begins six-weeks of retrograde motion that lasts until June 27. Venus is only retrograde every 18 months and it is now an excellent time to review and re-evaluate everything Venusian – love bonds, beauty themes, social activities, your creative artistic expression, ways to save money, your personal magnetism, and your value system – developed since your childhood and through the educational and business realms. It is especially wise for all women to take stock of their primary partnerships and come up with new ways to improve or transform those partnerships. In general, both men and women need to be more sensitive and understanding to the dear ones who help to turn their world around on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. The Moon unites with Pallas in Pisces (1:34PM PDT) toward the end of the void lunar cycle. Problem-solving is in focus, but because the Moon is void-of-course, the solutions to difficulties may not be that easy to realize. Once the Moon enters Aries (2:47PM PDT), be more gung-ho and assertive concerning pet projects, hobbies, arts and crafts. A potentially strong impediment to forward progress may stand in your way since Mars makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Saturn (5:07PM PDT). First it was gentle Venus putting several blips on the cosmic radar screen; now it is the two traditional malefic planets that conspire to add numerous insults to injury. Stay out of trouble to the best of your ability as you need to prepare for a day of many ups and downs tomorrow.

Your Daily Love & Romance Horoscopes for May 14th

Aries

In her final days in direct motion in your communication sector Venus, planet of love is not only slowing down, she’s drawing closer to an alliance with Saturn in your relationship sector. This is giving you a chance to ensure that the communication lines are open on the relationship front, with the promise of second chances ahead.

Taurus

If there is any pressure or roadblocks on the romantic front use this as a chance to both see what’s pushing your buttons and why, but also as an excuse to come out of your corner fighting. Romantic passions are tired of being suppressed and chances are the more you or life’s realities try and suppress them, the more likely they are to rebel.

Gemini

Venus, planet of love has reached a point where it’s obvious that she is not going to leave your sign anytime soon and that you are now into unchartered waters, with this anything but what you would normally expect from the planet of love. Instead of moving on Venus is staying by your side, ready to work with you to turn your love life around.

Cancer

Support between Mercury, planet of communication and Pluto, in retrograde motion in your relationship sector peaks today, giving you a chance to give the past and unsaid words a voice. That won’t always be possible and if you can’t say what needs to be said to the person you’d like to say it to, then still voice it to yourself, setting unsaid words free.

Leo

When the Moon left your relationship sector yesterday he left you with an intuitive understanding of where things stand on the relationship front and having had a chance to tap into old relationship dreams and fantasies. Hold onto this even though the Moon has moved on, for it’s giving you a chance to regain some authenticity.

Virgo

It’s the Moon’s position in your relationship sector today that may be stirring up some emotional responses and pushing some buttons, but it’s also getting your attention ahead of some defining relationship days. Keep this separate from all things romantic, where there is both an opportunity and a challenge to move out of a romantic rut.

Libra

The Moon only left your romantic sector yesterday, but while it will be relatively easy to tap back into the romantic emotions and feelings evoked over the last few days they will evaporate if not nurtured. Hold onto the romantic fantasies and sense of hope this created, breaking some of the seriousness of late.

Scorpio

The Moon’s position in your romantic sector today is giving you an intuitive read on your heart and any pressure or tension that might be building. At what is an important and defining time for your relationships, with the Sun and lucky Jupiter aligned in your relationship sector, strong emotional responses will make it hard to miss what your heart is trying to tell you.

Sagittarius

With Mercury gone from your romantic sector and a very active and defining 3 months behind you, it’s more about keeping things on track while you put more focus on your relationships. It’s in Venus, planet of love’s final days in direct motion in your relationship sector that you need to stay in the moment, refusing to rush or push things.

Capricorn

Having the Moon in your communication sector as an alignment between the Sun and lucky Jupiter in your romantic sector peaks, gives you a chance to give your heart a voice. There is a new sense of urgency developing and a sense that you need to become more proactive, with a chance today to ask for or to verbalise what you want from love.

Aquarius

It’s hard to believe that you’re just 7 days away from a solar eclipse in your romantic sector that will open the door to new beginnings and unexpected opportunities, for right now it seems like things are slowing right down. It seems that way because it is that way with Venus, planet of love slowing things down to a crawl.

Pisces

Pay attention to anything that pushes your buttons or creates some relationship tension, getting behind what’s pushing your buttons and why you’re having the reactions you are. You’re about to move into some intense and potentially challenging relationship days, but there is also the potential for a breakthrough, especially if you pay attention.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, May 14, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.