Stop, look and listen! Silence is golden in the early hours as the Partial Lunar Eclipse strikes first at 4:04AM PDT followed 9 minutes later by the Full Moon at 4:13AM PDT (activating 15 degrees of Gemini and Sagittarius). Individual and group meditations are encouraged during what some esoteric groups call the Festival of Humanity. Send out your inspiring thoughts and prayers to friends, colleagues, relatives and the kingdoms of nature. Worrying about your own personal needs is a no-no. Think more about your higher destiny in this lifetime and how you can be of greater service to the invisible host of teachers, angels and spirits that orchestrate the universe from their elevated perspectives. Giving your religious beliefs and philosophy of life extra support is Neptune becoming motionless at 4 degrees of Pisces (2:05PM PDT) as it gradually shifts into retrograde motion – a reversal direction that lasts until November 10. All Neptune themes – dreams and visions, psychic sensitivity, the creative imagination, spiritual longings, ideals, artistic genius, universal love-wisdom, fishing and sailing, water sports, illusions, fantasies, confusion and chaos, addictive behavior and being hooked on anyone and anything – are intensified. Adding to today’s carnival-like atmosphere is a Venus-Mars square from Gemini to Virgo (5:29PM PDT). Strive for serenity in affairs of the heart. Fortunately, Venus will also make an inspirational, 72-degree contact with Pallas (6:34PM PDT) – offering encouragement regarding problem-solving and strategy sessions. The Moon, still transiting, adventurous and playful Sagittarius goes retrograde during a Moon-Mercury opposition (10:09PM PDT). Complete odd jobs and old projects on a high note during the next 7-hour uncertainty zone until the Moon enters industrious, earthy Capricorn at 5:32AM PDT on Tuesday.
Tag: Virgo
New Moon Report for June 4th – Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius
Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius
Monday, June 4, 4:11 am PDT, 7:11 am EDT
The enthusiasm of this Sagittarius Full Moon is shadowed by a Lunar Eclipse that reminds us to let go of old dreams before we pursue new ones. Beliefs may need to be re-examined when they fail to provide the answers and inspiration that they did in the past. Education and travel could be interrupted and it might be wise to cancel a class or a trip if the going gets too tough. Fussy Mars in Virgo’s square to the Full Moon sparks battles over systems and details, yet worrying about methods is wasteful until long-term goals are clearly defined.
the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 2
the daily humorscope
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Your Daily Chinese Horoscopes for June 1
Rabbit
You have a serious “look” about you today, but where it comes to adventure you are all fun and games. You may be starting up a serious sporting event or club in your community, and could take a leadership role in your social circle.
Dragon
Your intuition will be sharper today, and you will be lead to opportunities in your local community to make an impact on the lives of others as well as your own. You may find that the act of repairing a few broken windows, painting over some graffiti could make a big difference.
Snake
Friends and family will be the theme again today, and you may find your recent efforts to play “matchmaker” are bearing fruit at long last. Your own love life could be heating up with some help from a relative who is eager to return the favor.
Horse
You might find that you are juggling your attention between home and work, especially if you have a small home office business. If you have a “day-job” expect some intrusions from your boss or employer, but there could be rewards for delaying your own entertainment to please a higher-up.
Sheep
Looks like you are thinking about or planning for a pleasure trip sometime soon. You may have to plan more than normal, but you have a terrific opportunity to learn a great deal from other people and other cultures. If you are a parent you may be doing a lot of extra driving today.
Monkey
Big financial changes are coming. A business partner or associate is going to plug you into a very lucrative deal. You’ll want to share some of the windfall to buy yourself some time to spend with your family soon. Be careful that you don’t spend too much money today.A considerable change in your spiritual, social or religious values will come along with insights and ideas that expand your boundaries. You may find that you have a new way to contribute to your community through a group, club or religious charity.
Rooster
It’s playtime all of a sudden. Whether you are single or partnered, you will find there is a dramatic spike in your romantic energy today. If you are single, that works well towards attracting a mate. If you are married, it adds some fire and spice to your love life.
Dog
You may be feeling cautiously optimistic about some workplace changes you plan or are facing in the near future. Don’t be afraid to experiment with beneficial alternative diets or healing plans. You may be a little ahead of the “acceptance curve” if you are hoping to encourage others to join you.
Pig
Artwork, entertainment devices, and recreational tickets are better bargains today. You will find you have more time, energy and money for self-enjoyment than you have had recently, and you really do need some extra time out to relax and recreate yourself.
Rat
If you are still single, this is a good day to take your latest “intended” home to meet the folks. You will find them to be more receptive to your choices than normal today. If you are already married, this is a good time to get together with in-laws to make a good impression.
Ox
Do be careful to stay at the speed limit if you are driving today. Your chart speaks of “unexpected encounters with authority figures while traveling” – which could add up to a speeding ticket if “Lead Foot Louie” is not extra careful today.
Tiger
Get ready for financial breakthroughs. If you have been looking for work, sharpen your pencil, dust off that resume, put on your best duds and hit the pavement. Today could be your lucky day. If you are employed look for a bonus, promotion or raise in the near future.
Daily Chinese Horoscopes for May 31st
Rabbit
You will likely be the centre of attention amid a large group of people today. You may be tempted to blow your own horn just a little too much. A true leader does not have to broadcast their presence, they simply inspire followers. You will find that if you are more subtle today, you’ll be more effective.
Dragon
You have powerful insights, vivid dreams, and flashes of intuition today that can powerfully enhance your life. You are about to undergo some changes in your love life, which will add some sparkle to your eyes, and some spring to your footsteps.
Snake
It will be an unusual day with many surprises, especially where it comes to friends, companions and neighbors. You may have an opportunity to make a huge impact on your neighborhood or community with the help of those you are closest to.
Horse
You will find yourself in a new career position as a result of some action or project you are undertaking. Don’t be afraid to pitch your wild and dramatic ideas, that’s what can get you noticed right now. You are heading off to do corporate battle.
Sheep
Your energy shoots way up and you have the ability to make terrific strides today. You could be looking into classes, seminars or online courses, and a life-changing trip could be on the horizon. Plan carefully, while it will be a great experience there are likely to be great changes.
Monkey
Financial benefits and good intuition combine today to bring you into a much more positive frame of mind. You’ll be something of a magnet for opportunity so make sure you are able to act quickly to take advantage. You may decide to treat yourself to a spa treatment soon.
Rooster
There is opportunity for romance indicated in your chart today. If you are still single, you should get out and have some fun tonight. You could meet someone who shares your interests and passions, who is able to tweak your energy and creativity.
Dog
You are dreaming about the perfect career today, and it is possible that a dream opportunity could fall into your lap. Don’t be afraid to make a risky bet on yourself. If you don’t go after this chance you will never know if you really had a chance.
Pig
Fun, fun fun! That’s all that is on your mind right now, but the daily realities make keep intruding into your play plans. You may first have to set aside some time to organize your responsibilities so that you can get away to an entertainment or sporting event.
Rat
Home improvement classes or a long-planned home renovation are wonderful ways for you to enjoy yourself and build enjoyment and-or equity in your home. If you do not already own a home, you could find that it is easier than you think to get started down the path to home ownership.
Ox
The phone is going to be ringing off the hook today. The positive calls will come from friends and loved ones. Your social life is on the upswing. The challenging calls come from coworkers, employers or demanding customers making last-minute changes to everything.
Tiger
Things are looking a lot better financially today. You could receive that cheque that has been in the mail, or hear news about an upcoming raise, bonus or promotion. You may be taking an Internet course that could boost your earning potential.
the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 31st
the daily humorscope
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 30th
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 30th
Your creative artistic expression receives a notable boost as Venus makes an inspirational, 72-degree link to high-flying Uranus (12:52AM PDT). Some of these positive vibes could get lost in the shuffle because the Moon is in void mode in Virgo until 3:47AM PDT when the lunar orb enters airy Libra. Once the Moon enters Libran territory, strive to increase the value of your investments as Mercury makes a subtle and yet still supportive, 30-degree link to Vesta (5:21AM PDT). Healing forces are highlighted at 10:06AM PDT when the Sun squares Chiron. The question here is whether you can tweak the healing vibes in order that you successfully treat and repair old wounds and pains. If you are looking for trouble, you will undoubtedly find it around the time when the Moon makes its monthly opposition to Uranus (4:58PM PDT) quickly followed by a 90-degree struggle between Mercury in Gemini and Mars in Virgo (5:21PM PDT). Mental and emotional hassles can lead to a rise in temperamental conditions across the board. Don’t project anger on to well-meaning friends and loved ones. Find ways to negotiate agreements and settlements even with hard-nosed competitors and adversaries – if possible. Let the good times roll several hours later as the Moon forms a flowing trine of 120-degrees in air signs with the Sun (8:49PM PDT). Dismiss the moody blues by replacing ornery attitudes with a happy and enthusiastic disposition. You can feel the illuminating vibrations coming from tomorrow morning’s inspirational, 72-degree connection from Mercury to Pallas.
Your Horoscope Spirit Profile
by Annie B. Bond
Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.
Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:
Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.
Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.
Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.
Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Beware of Doug.
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 29th
, May 29, 2012
If you feel besieged by worries and nervous anxiety, there is a cosmic reason. The Sun follows the lead of Mercury from yesterday when the Messenger of the Gods formed dicey aspects with Saturn and Pluto. Now it is the turn of the Sun to make a frictional, 135-degree tie with taskmaster Saturn (12:54AM PDT) while the Sun then moves on to form an abrasive, 150-degree contact with extremist Pluto (4:57PM PDT). Thus, for two days in a row, the potentially malevolent forces associated with the shadow sides of Saturn and Pluto are back on the prowl. Your best approach is to be a goodwill ambassador to colleagues, friends and dear ones for the entire day. You may be able to stay productive in arts, crafts and hobbies – thanks to a Moon-Ceres trine from Virgo to Taurus (10:43AM PDT). If possible, stock up on vitamins, supplements, cereals, grains, herbs, nuts, seeds and seasonings with the Moon in the sixth sign of the zodiac. Put primary partnerships under the microscope tonight when Juno opposes Jupiter (10:25PM PDT). Strive to empower your most important relationship ties because a short-circuiting at this time might prove highly detrimental. Giving you extra encouragement to make progress in improving love ties is a Moon-Jupiter flowing trine of 120-degrees at 10:51PM PDT. However, this Moon-Jupiter liaison also begins a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:47AM PDT tomorrow when the Moon enters Libra. Don’t make major decisions overnight.
the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 27th
the daily humorscope
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Deny everything.
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th
the daily humorscope
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Good day to act extremely childish.
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.
Your Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for May 25 – 27
by Jeff Jawer
Hearts Take Center StageMay 25 – 27 |
It’s showtime this weekend, and the curtain goes up when the Moon dances into dramatic Leo early on Friday evening. This is a time to express your creativity and your feelings without restraint. It’s definitely more interesting to go too far than to play it safe and hold back emotions. Indulging in a little fantasy is perfect as communicative Mercury crosses paths with imaginative Neptune. Reality takes a temporary backseat to living in the moment without concern for what tomorrow will bring. It’s like Las Vegas is everywhere and everyone can leave behind adult responsibilities to play with heartfelt abandon. Of course, you shouldn’t take what you hear or say too seriously in these ungrounded circumstances.
Dressing to impress on Saturday, almost as if you’re a performer, puts stars in peoples’ eyes and smiles on their faces. Being generous is a wonderful way to please a partner, so open your heart and wallet to make this a special time. Making memories is more important than saving money or saving face. The more love and affection that’s given, the more you’ll get back in return.
This joyous influence continues until late Sunday night when the Moon moves into pragmatic Virgo and minds shift away from play and toward the workweek that lies ahead.
Daily Chinese Horoscopes for May 25th
Rabbit
On the one hand people are pointing the finger at you for some faux pas, but on the other, they may be secretly happy you let the cat out of the bag. You may have to navigate between some muddied waters for a bit, but keep your head and you’ll come up for air soon enough.
Dragon
You have an opportunity to travel but someone you work with may be the proverbial fly in the ointment. If you are already on the road, don’t be too conscientious about calling back to the office if you want any peace and quiet on your trip.
Snake
If you have to make financial decisions today, think on the long-term impact and ensure that your dreams and desires are covered. You may experience doubts and insecurities so don’t act rashly. You may not have a clear grasp on what others expect of you today.
Horse
You know what they say – “Two’s company”. Three is dangerous. You may have a momentary flirtation with dangerous temptation today. Avoid a world of trouble and just say “no”. You won’t be at your best in terms of judging people’s character and could be taken in by a pair of bedroom eyes.
Sheep
Listen to a friend who offers help or advice on health issues. You may feel a little swamped just dealing with daily chores, and there is a pal who wants to help – but they may fear you’ll be offended if they offer. Ask if they can help, you’ll both enjoy working together.
Monkey
The focus moves from your wider family to your mate, partner, and children. All of a sudden you find yourself being incredibly worried about their welfare, probably all out of proportion to what’s actually going on. Relax, let go a bit, everyone will be fine.
Rooster
Whatever it takes, get away from the extended family. Take your own brood to the theme park or movie house, but leave the in-laws and parents back at home. You can enjoy yourself on your own, or with your partner and kids, but a big family get-together today is likely to be a disaster.
Dog
You may get a letter or a phone call that has you adjusting some plans about your finances. You may decide to shuffle some money around for better tax or debt-reduction effect. Trust your intuition when choosing a new banker or investment advisor.
Pig
Avoid malls and antique shops today. You are not up to your bargain-hunting best. You are feeling self-indulgent and could find yourself back at home asking “What on earth was I thinking?” when you are finally unpacking your shopping bags.
Rat
Your own personal history and background could prove helpful when a friend or coworker calls, seeking advice about a personal or health-related problem today. You can accomplish a lot by being a good listener, and you could learn something that you can use to make a healthy fashion statement.
Ox
You will still be struggling between your intuition and your knowledge, between your heart and your head, but the focus is on your own wellness today. You may also need to find a way to tell someone that they have to take better care of themselves.
Tiger
Friends and companions have come back down to Earth today, but it’s with a bit of a thud. They may come across as childish and erratic right now, but their mood has a lot to do with personal insecurity and little to do with you. Patience! They will come around eventually.
the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th
the daily humorscope
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Your Daily Chinese Zodiac Horoscopes for Wednesday, May 23rd
Rabbit
There is an opportunity for you to boost your career, but it may mean accepting changes in your lifestyle or place of residence. Trust your intuition when making major decisions involving your home or family. You will be your own best guide right now.
Dragon
Looks like you could be traveling, and while it’s not entirely unexpected, you may have been forced to make changes or speed up the schedule. You will find that travel agents and other “support staff” are helpful and can take down some roadblocks.
Snake
You have some planning to do for an upcoming day off, and you need to invest your time, attention, and financial resources into something that will both boost your spirits and get you active and out in the world. You may be tempted to buy a new computer game today.
Horse
You have wonderfully dreamy and romantic energy today, and while you are having a wonderful time, not everyone is happy for you. Someone in your family or circle of companions fears losing your attention or affection and are less supportive than you expected.
Sheep
You may be thinking about healthcare, wellness, or the lifestyle you favor at the moment when it dawns on you that you really need to spend more time in physical activity. A competitive sport could be a huge boost to your self-confidence too.
Monkey
You are going to be the center of attention today. People find you incredibly attractive, and you have a lot of physical energy to spare. The problem is that your intuition is not the best, and you could make some errors in judgement in the choice of a new mate or partner.
Rooster
You have a wonderful opportunity to help a loved one or family member to improve their wellness, fitness, lifestyle or health. You may be thinking of encouraging them to join you in a regular aerobics, fitness or yoga class, or present them with music or a video.
Dog
There is still a lot of chatter on your phone lines. Romantic contacts look positive, if somewhat erratic, but you have at least one friend who may be losing their grip on reality. Before you bring them down to earth, think of a more tactful way to say “get real”.
Pig
You may find that you have unusually good luck with money today. You may discover change in the laundry or win a small lottery sum, or it may just be that someone comes along with some incredibly good ideas or financial advice when it was most needed.
Rat
Keep pushing forward with your personal revolution. You have a lot of momentum and can accomplish a lot. Make sure you tend to your own personal needs though, make sure you get enough sleep. You don’t want to burn out. Keep your cool, your temper, and your drive under control. You can intimidate people today without meaning to, because you are such a powerhouse right now.
Ox
Your intuition will be sharper than normal today. You could actually have one of those strange psychic experiences people sometimes report, where they “just know” something good will happen to a loved one or relative, and it later turns out to be true.
Tiger
Your circle of friends may be expanding soon. An eclectic, unusual group of people may be crossing paths with the group of people you normally hang out with. When the collision of ideas finally dies down you may find that things have gotten a whole lot more interesting.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21
the daily humorscope
Monday, May 21, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20
the daily humorscopes
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Beware of Doug.
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.
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