Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, October 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

the daily humorscopes for friday, oct. 14

the daily humorscope 

Friday, October 07, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm.” You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was “excellent” at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 6th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Thursday, October 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody’s guess.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 5th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what’s making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 4th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You’ve been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven’t you?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley.” Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 3rd

the daily humorscope  

Monday, October 03, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn’t have to have cheese, you know.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 2nd

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, October 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you’ll start to worry.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now…what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is “worm farming.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Careful, filling is hot!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 1st

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more, unless you’ve paid.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 29

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say “I prefer not to talk about it.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I’m afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 28th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to learn how to really “flick” your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I’m betting it’s soon, though, in your case.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.

the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, september 25th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, September 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn’t like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for Sept. 23 – 25

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Explore Your Imagination

September 23 – 25

Bold behavior and big-hearted generosity can make Friday a fine time for lovers of all kinds, including those looking for a new companion. The mood-setting Moon is in audacious Leo, where the risks of romance are especially tempting. It’s a playful time with plenty of fun and affection available if we don’t take ourselves too seriously. The shadow side of the sign of the Lion includes excessive pride and an unwillingness to share the spotlight. But when we’re ready to give without worrying about the cost, we get even more back in return.

There’s a flair for the dramatic and a keen interest in experimenting with unusual kinds of activities on Friday when active Mars, also in courageous Leo, aligns in a high-energy trine with thrill-seeking Uranus. The Moon’s sweet connection with amorous Venus on Friday afternoon adds even more opportunities for memorable moments. Saturday night starts out with a high level of imagination thanks to a lunar opposition to mystical Neptune. This magical connection with the planet of dreams can stoke the fires of hope so high that we’re tempted to see others as we want them to be, not as they really are. Yet if we happen to lose the reigns of reality for a little while, the consequences of living in the material world will quickly beckon us to return.

The Moon’s entry into responsible Virgo late on Saturday evening brings us back from fantasyland in a hurry. Although we may attempt to vanquish our illusions with practical thinking and a long list of chores, a hopeful Moon-Jupiter trine on Sunday is a reminder that romance and reality can beautifully co-exist.

the daily humorscopes for friday, september 23

the daily humorscope

Friday, September 23, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember: it’s a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a “bludgeoning.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new “fresh” tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 21st

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor.” This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept. 20th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle.” Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

the daily humorscopes for monday, september 19th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say “meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!”, and then dash off. At least now you’ll know how to spell it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbours? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, sept. 18th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 17th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization.” Time to go on a diet!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you aren’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

the daily humorscopes for friday, sept. 16th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.