Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, May 14, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 13th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there’s a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Wednesday, May 2

Your inner scholar is ready to shine and get straight A’s in a field of study close to your heart – thanks to a harmonious trine in earth signs from the Moon in Virgo to expansive Jupiter in Taurus (3:22AM PDT). While you are excelling on the higher educational track, the Moon jumps ship and begins a more abrasive square pattern to Venus (3:59AM PDT) – a frictional tie that also starts a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 7:05PM PDT when the Moon enters airy Libra. If you are a newcomer to reading this calendar, please realize that void lunar cycles are opportunities to finish old business on a high note. However, you don’t want to initiate bold, new ventures because they could fizzle out or not evolve into the successful achievements you are envisioning. Once the Moon is happily moving into Libran territory (7:05PM PDT), the best game plan is to improve the quality of your primary partnerships while also exploring various artistic media that can develop into favorite hobbies. On Tuesday, the Moon activated a potentially revelatory grand triangle with Ceres and Pluto. Now we have Ceres and Pluto actually making their own, official trine of 120-degrees in earth signs (11:28PM PDT). Be as productive as possible in your main fields of expertise as Wednesday morphs into Thursday.

The Current Moon Phase for April 28: Waxing/ 45-90 degrees

Moon Phases: Crescent Moon

(waxing/45-90 degrees)

by Jan Spiller

During this Moon phase, there is a slight “slowing down” of enthusiasm due to a desire emerging to produce tangible results from the energy being expended. The issue of values enters into the equation and an urge to tie together the data available so that you can utilize current opportunities. There is still plenty of forward motion and this is a great time to continue initiating and progressing forward. This Moon Phase favors gaining more information and the input of others to further your plans.

New Moon Report for April 21 – New Moon in Taurus

New Moon in Taurus

Saturday, April 21, 12:18 am PDT, 3:18 am EDT

The New Moon in earthy Taurus starts a slow-cooking fire, creating opportunities to increase income and discover fresh sources of pleasure. Investing in a solid foundation of training, tools and developing personal resources with patience establishes a base from which future success will grow. Taurus likes a steady pace, so don’t be in a hurry to get where you want to go. Sticking to a practical plan is a surer way to achieve your goals than trying to beat the clock. Long-range strategic thinking will pay dividends, while get-rich-quick schemes are likely to fail. Skillful Mars in Virgo and potent Pluto in Capricorn form favorable aspects to this Sun-Moon conjunction, producing a Grand Earth Trine that favors pragmatism and productivity. Yet a lovely slice of imagination is blended into this cosmic dish with a supportive sextile from dreamy Neptune to the New Moon. This spiritual planet softens Taurean stubbornness with compassion and faith, bringing a higher purpose to even the most mundane tasks.

The Taurus New Moon is like a fertile garden where healthy seeds can take root and grow. Nurturing the soil of ourselves with constructive thoughts and healthy behavior may seem boring to some, yet the results are worth the effort. The ground upon which a positive future is built requires appreciation for oneself, so acknowledging our abilities and accomplishments is essential for feeding our ambitions. Taking time to enjoy life’s simple and sensual pleasures provides joy that makes the journey worthwhile.

New Moon Report for April 13th – Mars Direct

Mars Direct

Friday, April 13, 8:53 pm PDT, 11:53 pm EDT

Mars is made to move forward, but has been stuck in reverse since late January. Finally, the planet of initiation rights itself and slowly, like a train leaving the station, starts driving ahead with the motivation and means to advance our interests. Increased physical activity works well when it’s combined with good training and a healthy diet. Direct Mars in competent Virgo is a perfect time to develop our skills and establish constructive habits.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for April 13th

Easy does it! Imagine that you are entering the dangerous terrain of a sworn enemy. What do you do to survive the battle? Right now you need to deal with the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase (activating 24 degrees of Aries and Capricorn) at 3:51AM PDT. Cutting through obstacles – mentally and even spiritually – is part of the essence of every solar-lunar connection where the Moon is waning and 90-degrees from the Sun. You also have to be on your toes due to the Moon in Capricorn entering a 4+ hour void lunar uncertainty zone – stretching from 10:06AM PDT to 2:49PM PDT. Finish odd jobs during this void-of-course time-period. Once the Moon enters the universal air sign of Aquarius (2:49PM PDT), you may think that team sports, group projects, community activities and working on global causes close to your heart will meet with celestial approval. However, all day long the red planet is sending out emotional sparks, darts and mini-explosions as Mars halts its retrograde skid at 4 degrees of Virgo and makes a station there at 8:54PM PDT. Ouch! Any time Mars is motionless, you want to strive for serenity and peace of mind. Keep your distance from temperamental individuals and avoid projecting angry feelings on well-meaning friends, colleagues and loved ones. All Mars themes – energy and passion, emotional expression, ego-drive and assertion, independent action, courage and leadership skills, aggression, anger, volatility, fevers and inflammatory behavior – are emphasized today and over the weekend. If you can direct Mars energy into industrious work projects – where organization, order and efficiency are number one priorities – then you will be flowing well with the Virgo component of the red planet’s stationary vibrations.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for April 12th

If you read this calendar every day, then you already know that Saturn and Pluto are going to play potential mischief-makers. They often have that role anyway, but this morning they add some turbulence on the business, financial and professional fronts as Mercury makes an off-kilter, 150-degree link to Saturn (12:17AM PDT) while the Moon joins forces with distant Pluto in Capricorn (2:31AM PDT). Compared to Pluto’s station two days ago and tomorrow’s upcoming stoppage by Mars in Virgo, these two Saturn and Pluto sky patterns are a drop in the proverbial cosmic bucket. Nevertheless, they do constitute not-so-subtle warnings to be cautious with investments, assets and valuables. Old wounds and pains may also be surfacing from childhood days or broken-heart experiences since the Sun makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Chiron (8:06AM PDT) while Venus squares Chiron (3:07PM PDT). Chiron can bring healing forces into your life while simultaneously making you sad about lost love and overlooked opportunities. Meanwhile, a ray of hope comes through the psychic cloud-cover as the Moon trines Jupiter (1:45PM PDT). Whether this one lunar aspect is capable of neutralizing some of today’s trauma remains to be seen. Be prepared for a provocative Friday the Thirteenth as the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase and Mars stopping its retrograde motion sound a stormy note.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for April 5th

Patience is a cardinal virtue – so goes the ancient maxim. Put this theory into practice during the first part of the day while the Moon parallels Mercury (12:45AM PDT) and Chiron (5:50AM PDT), but remains void-of-course in Virgo until 8:33AM PDT. During any void lunar cycle, it is best to finish old business on a high note, but wait until inaugurating new, bold plans until the Moon enters the next sign of the zodiac. Once the clock strikes 8:33AM PDT, the Moon in Libra points you toward being more active in social affairs, creative artistic expression, and improving the quality of primary partnerships. A Moon-Venus flowing trine in air signs (11:42AM PDT) magnifies the potentials contained in the Moon’s presence in harmony-striving Libra. Topsy-turvy, unsettled conditions roll into town later on as the Moon opposes Uranus (4:55PM PDT) while Venus squares its higher-octave planet Neptune (6:50PM PDT). The Moon-Uranus polarity puts key relationships on edge while the Venus-Neptune face-off adds a strong note of confusion to affairs of the heart and delicate business negotiations. Psychic storm warnings are still reverberating later on due to a Moon-Pluto square (11:53PM PDT) and as the Moon approaches a parallel with taskmaster Saturn (forming exactly at 12:10AM PDT tomorrow). Get set for the powerful Full Moon – activating Aries Sun and Libra Moon – at 12:20PM PDT on Friday.

New Moon Report for April 4 – Mercury Direct

Mercury Direct

Wednesday, April 4, 3:11 am PDT, 6:11 am EDT

Messenger Mercury shifts into forward gear to slowly start getting conversations back on track. Data will flow more freely, but facts may remain fuzzy and details elusive until April 16 when this cerebral planet leaves magical Pisces where dreams trump reality.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for April 4th

Uncertainty is definitely on the rise as Mercury shifts from retrograde to direct at 24 degrees of Pisces (3:12AM PDT). All Mercury themes – communication, reading and writing, classes and primary education, information exchange, transportation and travel plans, health and nutrition, sleight of hand, con artists, split-personality and theft – are energized throughout the day. [Mercury’s next retrograde cycle will begin on July 14 and last until August 7.] However, just because Mercury is no longer moving in reverse doesn’t mean it is racing forward. It will take several days before Mercury gathers any realistic momentum. Therefore, it is wise to still be cautious when it comes to signings, legal matters and making long-term agreements. Breakthroughs in consciousness and advances on the cutting edge of science and medicine are reinforced as the Moon trines Jupiter (6:36AM PDT) and the Moon parallels Uranus (7:20AM PDT). The Moon in Virgo always gives an emphasis to themes associated with health, diet and nutrition. Stock up on vitamins, supplements, herbs, tea, grains, cereals, nuts, seeds and seasonings. With the potent Full Moon only two days away – occurring on Friday April 6 – today and tomorrow constitute a 48-hour time-period of preparation for the enlightening vibes about to be released during the monthly solar-lunar high point. Business and communications are in the iffy category overnight as the Moon opposes Mercury (10:38PM PDT) – which starts a void lunar twilight zone that lasts until 8:33AM PDT tomorrow when the Moon enters Libra.

New Moon Report for Tuesday, April 3 – Venus in Gemini

Venus in Gemini

Tuesday, April 3, 8:18 am PDT, 11:18 am EDT

The love planet is chatty and flirtatious in adaptable Gemini. Words can be delightful but also deceiving because it might be tempting to say whatever is necessary to amuse someone or deflect serious issues. Yet Venus is retrograde from May 15 until June 27, prolonging her stay in this sign until August 7 to add depth and complications to relationships. Clever quips are cute, but serious re-evaluations may be needed to fulfill our desires.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for Monday, March 26th

For the next two days, the universe conceives of its version of Easy Street to give earth dwellers a chance to lick their wounds after many days and weeks of perpetual cosmic bombardment. New ideas are proliferating throughout human consciousness as Mercury parallels Uranus (5:06AM PDT). Even though Mercury is in retrograde motion, its fundamental affiliation with higher-guardian planet Uranus can open the gateway to revelations coming from the Great Beyond. The Moon in Taurus – an exalted placement all on its own – unites with Venus (12:27PM PDT) to promote a creative, magnetic and joyful energy-field. Treat a loved one to lunch at a trendy restaurant and visit a popular art gallery. Don’t stub your toe on the communication and business fronts as Mercury makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Jupiter (2:35PM PDT). Keep in mind that these two planets are the traditional ruling bodies of the four mutable signs (Gemini; Virgo; Sagittarius; Pisces), and therefore have much to do with verbal exchanges and travel plans. Thus, when Mercury is in conflict with Jupiter, you should anticipate a variety of delays, frustrations or blocks that might upset previously established plans. Fortunately, as you approach tonight’s Moon-Mercury supportive, 60-degree liaison (9:36PM PDT), there can be a softening of any blows that may have occurred when Mercury and Jupiter were unhappy campers 7 hours earlier. On the other hand, the Moon-Mercury aspect also starts a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:44AM PDT tomorrow (when the Moon enters airy Gemini).