Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, November 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of rodents.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He’s just being crabby, if you ask me.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you’re at it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 17th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you’re an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of short people.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Your Horoscope Animal Allies

Your Horoscope Animal Allies

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Adapted from Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Most of us know our birthstone (although I have never liked mine, preferring the one for January, go figure), but how many of us know the animals that are traditionally associated with our astrological sun sign?

Your horoscope’s power animals may surprise you! Find out what they are, right here:

You may want to honor your sun sign’s animals by bringing small pictures or figurines of them into your life, and thinking about their qualities.

Aries, March 21-April 19: Ram, tiger, leopard, stallion, vulture, magpie, robin.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Bull, cow, dove, sparrow, swan.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Dog, squirrel, serpent, parrot, linnet, eagle, finch.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Crab, otter, seal, stag, heifer, unicorn, seagull, owl, white peacock.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Lion, wolf, griffin, peacock, rooster, eagle.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Rooster, squirrel, magpie, parrot.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Hart, hare, dove, swan, sparrow.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Scorpion, wolf, panther, dog, wild boar, eagle, vulture, dragon, griffin, phoenix.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mare, lion, unicorn, eagle, peacock, bird of paradise.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Dog, elephant, goat, bear, owl, falcon.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Dog, otter, cuckoo, albatross, phoenix.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Sheep, ox, seal, swan, stork, sandpiper.

 

 

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 15th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will tell you today “Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school.” Despite being forwarned, you won’t have anything to say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there – how many of them wouldn’t want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow?

Power Animals for Your Sun Sign

Power Animals for Your Sun Sign

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Every sun sign is associated with several power animals that can help, guide, and teach us throughout our lives. Yours may surprise you! Find out which horoscope animals are your special allies here:

You may want to honor your sun sign’s animals by bringing small pictures or figurines of them into your life, and thinking about their special and helpful qualities.

Aries, March 21-April 19: Ram, tiger, leopard, stallion, vulture, magpie, robin.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Bull, cow, dove, sparrow, swan.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Dog, squirrel, serpent, parrot, linnet, eagle, finch.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Crab, otter, seal, stag, heifer, unicorn, seagull, owl, white peacock.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Lion, wolf, griffin, peacock, rooster, eagle.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Rooster, squirrel, magpie, parrot.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Hart, hare, dove, swan, sparrow.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Scorpion, wolf, panther, dog, wild boar, eagle, vulture, dragon, griffin, phoenix.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mare, lion, unicorn, eagle, peacock, bird of paradise.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Dog, elephant, goat, bear, owl, falcon.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Dog, otter, cuckoo, albatross, phoenix.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Sheep, ox, seal, swan, stork, sandpiper.

 

the daily humorscopes for Monday, November 14th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you’ll all have a good laugh about it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 12th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you want someone to change, it’s often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, “Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?”

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 11th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn’t it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

the daily humorscopes for Thursday, November 10

the daily humorscopes 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Later this week you’ll feel much like Scarlet O’Hara did, when she said, “I’ll never be hungry again!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday,november 9th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as “classic” rock. Believe me, that’s not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the “big elbow” look.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in “Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit” by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A lot of people still do “spring cleaning”, but only a few families have preserved the tradition of “fall dirtying”. Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you’ll get to have some fun.

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 7th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn’t done.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 6th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I’m quite sure nobody will realize you’re not paying any attention.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo.” I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight – shoulders back! That’s better.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will tell you today “Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school.” Despite being forewarned, you won’t have anything to say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocket ship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 5th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, November 05, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 3rd

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, November 03, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 1st

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of celery.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to institute “show and tell” at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That’s when you’ll have to be a bit creative, if you don’t want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say “I don’t know – I don’t really spend that much time on the porch.”

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 31st

the daily humorscope 

Monday, October 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A strange package will appear on your doorstep — a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday’s Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 29

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That’s not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 27th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, October 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo”. I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 26th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?