Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 31st

the daily humorscope 

Monday, October 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A strange package will appear on your doorstep — a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday’s Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 29

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That’s not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 27th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, October 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo”. I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 26th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 25th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone “smile when you say that, buster”, for example.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of galoots, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say “What am I, psychic?” It’s not, though.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.

Cosmic Calendar for October 24th

Here’s another start to a workweek that feels somewhat edgy and worrisome – even though there are bright spots that will be manifesting. During the void Moon in Virgo as the day begins, Mercury trines Ceres in water signs (5:10AM PDT) while the Sun trines Chiron in water signs (6:38AM PDT). These two favorable alignments should equate with a rise in overall productivity and a feeling that healing forces are back on the march. However, a void lunar uncertainty zone can sometimes weaken sky patterns that happen within its time-cycle. Once the clock strikes 8:50AM PDT, the Moon pulls out of the void vortex by entering airy Libra for the next two days. The goal now is to revisit the Solar Libra 30-day cycle that recently ended by continuing to improve your primary partnerships and striving to increase your arsenal of artistic skills. Mercury making an inspirational, 72-degree link to Pallas (5:11PM PDT) is a major help in your becoming more adept at problem-solving and strategizing with trusted experts. Juno finally takes the plunge – leaving Libra for Scorpio (6:59PM PDT). This definitely adds weight to the passionate, mysterious and secretive undertones and overtones present within the Scorpio zodiacal frame of reference. [Juno remains in intensive Scorpio until January 29, 2012.] Creating one more shocking disturbance in the giant scheme of things is tonight’s Sun-Uranus 150-degree connection – bridging Scorpio and Aries at 11:00PM PDT. Here’s your choice – breakdown or breakthrough. Which way do you want to travel as Monday morphs into Tuesday?

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 24th

the daily humorscope

Monday, October 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he’s behaving strangely, and look concerned.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever.” Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: “Never serve beans in space.”

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 22nd

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today – metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for October 21 – 23

by Jeff Jawer

Playful but Practical

October 21 – 23

Hearts open and heads swell with the Moon in self-important Leo on Friday. Confidence is likely to rise as we’re empowered by a belief in ourselves that encourages risk-taking in relationships. Dramatic gestures are par for Leo’s course, but even more so now because of the Sun’s harmonious alignment with mystical Neptune. This event casts a gauzy aura of mystery and magic over Friday night, which can be very entertaining but hardly representative of lasting reality. Attractions arise easily in this misty atmosphere where reason and common sense may be hard to find. But turning an initial interest into a lasting flame of love will require more than one romantic evening.

Saturday brings a more scrutinizing perspective with a lunar transit into pragmatic Virgo. This analytical Earth sign isn’t into vague promises, laziness and sloppy behavior. Romance and productivity go together in practical Virgo, making this a perfect time to tackle tasks with a willing partner. Developing skills is another positive way to make use of this lunar transit, so taking a class or seminar can be a good way to meet someone or infuse new interest in an ongoing relationship. Virgo’s critical eye, though, tends to spot the tiniest flaws but, obviously, obsessing about them is to be avoided.

the daily humorscopes for friday, october 21

the daily humorscope

Friday, October 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It’s hard. But I’ve learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid.” And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny”. Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 20th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of slime creatures today. There’s one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Dium”, or “Sieze the Day!.” Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

the daily humorscopes for tueday, october 18th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 17th

the daily humorscope

Monday, October 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone named “Bob” is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win.” The second law says “you can’t break even.” The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 16th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, October 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 15th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of turnips.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. If you can figure out what kind of hat to wear, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You’ll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

the daily humorscopes for friday, october 14th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, October 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 12th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know — the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they’re still warm, like that, huh? I don’t know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you’ll irritate yourself.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Angst day, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 11th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy”. Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don’t act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it’s embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It’s hard to pretend they’re just spraying for roaches…

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 10th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, October 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You’ll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 9th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, October 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!