the daily humorscope
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor.” This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!