the daily humorscope
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn’t like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!