Tag: Virgo

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

  • Annie B. Bond

The grounded grace and benign presence of trees have both awed and comforted humans since our earliest beginnings. In both Native American and Celtic tradition, every season has its tree-spirits. In astrology, too, each sun-sign has special trees standing guard over it, sharing their healing energy.

Find out which trees hold a magical healing key for your sun-sign here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Holly, thorn, chestnut

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Almond, apple, walnut, ash, sycamore, cherry, myrtle

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Elder, filbert

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Willow, sycamore

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Palm, laurel, pine, oak

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Hazel, elder

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Almond, walnut, plum, myrtle, apple

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Holly, blackthorn

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mulberry, chestnut

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Pine, cypress, yew, spruce, holly

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Pine

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Willow, elm, linden

Daily Cosmic Calendar for January 6th

It may seem that the upcoming Full Moon that will happen late on Sunday night is far into the future. Nonetheless, in astrology, the two days prior to a Full Moon represent a 48-hour time-period to prepare for the enlightening vibrations that come through to humanity from divine sources at the Full Moon. The two days after a Full Moon signify a distribution phase of the illuminating energies received. Therefore, a complete five-day process is really at work. Your job today is to stay in clear contact with friends and dear ones – gently guiding them upward and onward to the heights of inspiration that can occur a couple of evenings from now. While a supportive, 60-degree link from Vesta to Pluto (8:24PM PST) and a flowing trine from the Moon in Gemini to Venus in Aquarius (8:41PM PST) can give you a wealth of happy feelings, spurring you to excel in business ventures, and creative and artistic media, the Moon also squares Mars (8:45PM PST) while Venus in Aquarius and Mars in Virgo form an off-kilter, 150-degree link (9:28PM PST). Of these two aspects, the Venus-Mars 150-degree connection is the one to watch and possibly tweak in your favor. The tendency is for love bonds to possibly go awry due to a miscommunication. However, focus and attentiveness on your part may save the day. The bottom line is that you want to keep your distance from battles of the will and foolish arguments that lead to cul-de-sacs of the mind and heart.

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of galoots, today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Your Horoscope Vacation

Your Horoscope Vacation

  • Cait Johnson

The ideal vacation for a fiery, active Aries will probably look very different than the getaway for a tradition-loving Taurus or a super-organized Virgo, for instance. The wisdom from our sun sign can show us how to get the maximum in soul-nurturance from our summer break.

Find out what your horoscope can tell you about your ideal vacation here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: You will probably prefer a break that includes a lot of physical activity: surfing, kayaking, hiking, or vigorous sightseeing. If the rest of your family prefers loafing on the beach, find ways to stay on an even keel by doing yoga or tai chi in the sand.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Taurus people generally prefer going to places that are familiar and traditional. This year, you might want to hoist yourself out of your rut and go someplace new. Wherever you go, you will find the deepest nurturance in the fertile green energy of nature.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Geminis sometimes find it hard to feel grounded and to quiet their quickly-moving minds. You might consider taking a meditation retreat to help yourself be deeply present and still. If your family wants to do a theme park instead, just make sure you take time to go someplace quiet and simply sit.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: It can be difficult to get sensitive home-loving Cancers to go anywhere, but the seaside is a natural choice if you do decide to leave the safety and comfort of home. Allow the sound of the surf to bring you ease.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Most Leos love vacations that offer plenty of opportunity for your vitality to shine, so anything from karaoke singing to drama workshops to simply being the tour guide for your family may all appeal. You are a natural activities-director and entertainer, so enjoy!

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: It is all too easy for Virgos to get caught up in the details of planning the vacation and forget to relax and be in the moment. But time spent gardening (or visiting famous gardens) or simply indulging in wonderful organic meals will help to soothe you.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony-loving Libras may find they are more focused on pleasing everyone else when it comes to taking a vacation than in pleasing themselves. Be sure to feed your sensitive spirit with plenty of beauty, both natural and human: art museums and natural vistas both will offer soul-food.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Because Scorpios are so drawn to the depths, your ideal vacation may involve a spiritual workshop of some kind, or learning an esoteric practice, or doing deep couples work with your partner. If not, then snorkeling or scuba-diving might offer a literal way for you to explore those depths of which you are so fond.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sparkly Sagittarians usually need plenty of activity and social interaction to feed their souls. Your ideal vacation might involve a group tour of some interesting spot or a glimpse of another culture.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Work-oriented Capricorns usually need to be pried away from their desks and routines with a crowbar, but if you do decide you deserve a break, time spent in the mountains or some other expansive view will help you to unwind.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your fertile imagination will take pleasure in coming up with meaningful activities to share with your closest loved ones. Anything that offers spiritual inspiration will be likely to engage and nurture you.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Because of your dedication to service, your ideal vacation may involve some kind of environmental or social outreach: helping to clean up a park or building a house for the needy may appeal to your altruistic nature. If your family just wants to have fun, you can channel your need to help in smaller but no less important ways.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for January 4th

Once you shake off the emotional tensions coming from a Moon-Venus square (2:50AM PST), there is an excellent heavenly aspect attempting to raise your productivity quotient several notches – an inspirational, 72-degree tie from the Sun to the largest asteroid Ceres (3:16AM PST). Your personal charisma can soar later on as the Moon in Taurus trines Mars in Virgo (8:39AM PST) followed by a sensational Venus-Jupiter 72-degree contact (12:17PM PST). Take advantage of all glowing opportunities coming your way. Know that your creative artistry and optimistic mind-set can attract good fortune to you like a magnet. Overdoing a good thing may land you in hot water as the day proceeds since the Sun makes a frictional, 45-degree link to dreamy Neptune (3:13PM PST) while Mercury forms an abrasive square to Ceres (10:37PM PST). The Sun and Neptune in any kind of challenging rapport has the potential of building a temporary haze that can fog up your approach to dealing with affairs of the heart and money matters. Due to Mercury being at odds with Ceres, you may want to consider shifting your diet and nutritional needs on to a higher plateau.

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, January 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hide.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 01, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • Annie B. Bond

 

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of rodents.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Just In Time For The Holidays – Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

  • Annie B. Bond

Modern science has recently confirmed that the time of year in which we were born can give us valuable information about our health, and serve as predictors for certain conditions. But ancient wisdom has always known that our sun sign can suggest foods which are best suited to us and that can keep us feeling vital and healthy.

Our horoscope can also explain some of those odd food cravings that we sometimes get! (For example, a friend’s son has craved grapes, cucumbers, and black olives since he was little. Can you guess his sign?)

Find out which foods are perfect for your horoscope sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Red fruits and vegetables, garlic, ginger, leeks, onion, radish, rhubarb, tea.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Almond, apple, apricot, beet, cherry, ginger, peach, pear, plum, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Celery, endive, ginger, mushroom, pomegranate, tangerine, seeds.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber, endive, grape, lemon, lentil, lettuce, melon, mushroom, olive, papaya, potato, pumpkin, seaweed, turnip, watermelon.

Leo, July 23-Aug. 22:Almond, chestnut, corn, date, ginseng, grape, grapefruit, lemon, olive, orange, pineapple, rice, walnut.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Almond, barley, beans, celery, fig, hazelnut, millet, oat, pecan, peanut, pistachio, pomegranate.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22:Almond, apple, apricot, artichoke, asparagus, beans, cherry, chestnut, chickpea, fig, grape, lentil, parsnip, peach, pear, pea, plum, pomegranate, rhubarb, strawberry, wheat.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21:Artichoke, asparagus, carrot, garlic, ginger, leek, onion, pepper, pimento, pomegranate, pumpkin, shallot.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21:Almond, apricot, asparagus, buckwheat, chestnut, endive, leek, lime, olive, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry, tomato.


Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Barley, beet, potato, spinach, root vegetables.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18:Almond, beans, endive, hazelnut, pecan, pistachio.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Coffee, mushroom, seaweed.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.