the daily humorscopes for monday, june 4

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 04, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: “Hello, how are your feet?”

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 2

the daily humorscope

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 31st

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 30th

We try to remain pleasant, but this cosmically noisy day pulls us in many directions. We can be light on our feet with the Sun, clever Mercury and sweet Venus all dancing in adaptable Gemini. But Mercury’s conflictive square with warrior Mars tempts us to argue about things that may not matter in the long run. Thankfully, the Moon’s entry into harmonious Libra at 6:45 am EDT encourages practicing diplomacy as a strategy to re-establish harmony.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may enjoy the apparent chaos today as you’re distracted by one good idea after another. Although you believe you’re a positive force for change now, you should proceed carefully because you aren’t as invincible as you think. Losing your cool isn’t a wise idea; expressing extreme emotions could create more problems than it solves. Physical exercise helps channel your energy appropriately, but you also need to take additional timeouts to keep your anger in check.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You know you have too much on your plate today, yet you’re eager to accomplish as much as you can. However, you’re tired from chasing after so many goals. Don’t spread your energy too thin; instead, set priorities and focus on the most important tasks first, letting the others go. Panic is unnecessary even if you run into unexpected problems. Remember, the calmer you are now, the more effective you will be throughout the day.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re very charming, especially with sweet Venus in your sign. But tension is in the air and you can lose your patience if you don’t pay close attention to your feelings. You may even find yourself in the heat of an argument now, wondering how it happened. Remember, you aren’t the only one who is stressed out today, so your smartest move is to take the high road by demonstrating how well you can listen and respond with kindness.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You appear to have your desires under control, but you aren’t actually expressing what you want now. Your feelings are drawing you into deeper waters and the emotional currents can carry you far off course. But you may reach a breaking point where it requires too much energy to hide your inner world from those you love. Don’t wait too long to say what’s on your mind. A gentle approach makes the most sense while demanding results will just stir up unnecessary resistance.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You may feel unnerved from an intense emotional interaction with someone close to you. You could spend much of the day exploring ways to alleviate the tension. Unfortunately, even clever tactics won’t hide the edginess to your voice. Examine your unspoken feelings if you notice that your words sound sarcastic. There are several sensible strategies for re-establishing your balance, yet saying hurtful things is not one of them. Instead, cultivate the peace and harmony that you seek.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Concentrating on your job is difficult now as impetuous Mars in your sign squares cerebral Mercury in restless Gemini. Sometimes you can let your thoughts wander for a while, but today your fantasies may not be all that peaceful. Worrying about meeting other people’s expectations leads you around in endless circles. Fortunately, you can break out of a temporary emotional tailspin by doing something useful in the present moment, rather than wasting time stressing about the past.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s not easy to settle down today as your key planet Venus aligns with unpredictable Uranus. A lighthearted attitude seems inappropriate if you think you should be more concerned with serious issues. You may be too conscientious to try escaping from your responsibilities. Although harmony and pleasure seem elusive now, the Moon’s return to your sign can be a much-needed catalyst in your search for peace.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You aren’t happy about having to maintain a high level of focus today, especially with all the intriguing distractions tempting you. But, ultimately, your strength of purpose is nonnegotiable; you really don’t want to get angry, but it could be an effective way now to inform others that you mean business. Those unwilling to help you along your path would be wise to quietly step out of your way.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are able to see the beauty in someone special, but it may not be easy to express how you feel today. You are tempted to sidestep the issue by glibly telling a story or talking about your plans so you don’t have to show your vulnerability by sharing what’s in your heart. Remember, the deeper meaning of life won’t come from a clever conversation. Although it’s easy to demonstrate your wit, it’s more important to be honest and clearly say what’s on your mind.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You won’t likely be caught off guard today, and your apparent stability could draw others to you as they try to manage the stressful situations in their own personal lives. However, you’re not entirely without your own worries now, and everyone else’s demands might create an extra layer of anxiety for you. Nevertheless, go ahead and offer your shoulder to a loved one, but be firm about drawing the line when you need time to take care of yourself.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You nostalgically remember simpler days in the past and you may long for their return. You might even experience anger when you realize that these times are complicated and simplicity isn’t likely to be found. Although you’re balancing on an emotional high wire now, you still have an opportunity to live your dreams. Don’t let this chance slip by without doing something about it.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You have more strength than others realize, yet your resistance to your own power can get in the way of your success. Don’t succumb to any feelings of insecurity by needlessly comparing yourself to anyone else. You are a unique individual with unique capabilities; the key now is your own self-awareness. Fortunately, managing your belief system can have a positive impact on everyone around you.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

by Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Beware of Doug.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 29th

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 29th

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger
Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.

~Magickal Graphics~

the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to act extremely childish.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”

Your Daily Horoscopes for Wed., May 23rd

Our need for emotional security is strong today as the Moon enters sensitive Cancer at 7:31 am EDT. However, comfort is elusive as a dynamic square between the restless Gemini Sun and dreamy Neptune invites us to step away from our feelings and into our fantasies. Although artistic expression may be enhanced, we can easily get lost. Escaping reality is not a sensible strategy now; we are much better off seeking spiritual solutions to our malaise.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your dilemma may be quite real today, even if you’re feeling sure of yourself. You think that you know what you want and it doesn’t seem too complicated. However, achieving satisfaction isn’t that easy because there’s a big difference between your personal goals and what others have to offer at this time. Your current happiness could depend on your willingness to modify your highest ideals with what is actually possible.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your physical energy may be low today, leaving you feeling a bit discouraged. Perhaps the smartest thing you can do now is to simply take it easy. If you don’t have the drive to tackle a significant project, don’t waste too much time worrying about it. Your stamina will return soon enough, and in the meantime you can increase your chances for success by getting some much-needed rest.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are very aware that your emotions are affecting your productivity today, especially as your feelings change throughout the day. Your moods may continue to fluctuate, challenging you to maintain an even temper. You can minimize your frustration and avoid being overwhelmed by only taking on what you know you can finish. Limiting your goals now makes room for spiritual growth.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be hypersensitive today and feel under the weather for no particular reason. However, it’s crucial not to succumb to negativity since circumstances are probably not as bad as they currently seem. Above all, remain honest; any attempts to stretch the truth will likely backfire. However, sharing your fantasies with a trustworthy friend can be uplifting as long as you clearly differentiate your dreams from the facts.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

No matter how optimistic you feel, your usual demonstration of courage and vitality may be difficult to pull off today. Your positive energy isn’t as readily available now. Ironically, you can turn the day around by bringing your self-doubt right out into the open. When others realize that you don’t have all the answers, they’ll be more likely to offer a helping hand.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Although you may feel as if you are on information overload, it’s difficult to tell which data is useful and which is not. It might even be impossible to discern fact from fiction now. Naturally, you want to deal with the real world based upon objective truth; however, your confusion gets in the way of your progress today. If you soften your stance and don’t push for clarity, the haze will lift on its own.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may become more optimistic and lighter on your feet as the day goes on. However, you also might grow more confused about love and romance. The problem is that you’re less sure about what’s real and what is imagined. Your thoughts come and go quickly now, so don’t worry if you can’t hold on to any of them. Attempting to control your mental process only brings frustration. Instead, float along with the currents and enjoy the day for whatever joy it brings.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Although you might believe that you can logically think your way through a current dilemma, reason seems to break down just as the solution comes into sight. For now, it’s practical reality versus creative imagination. It’s frustrating, but you cannot hold on to both sides at the same time. Give yourself permission to entertain your dreams today, for the real world will intervene when necessary to bring you back.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are being flooded by images arising from your subconscious mind today. You may feel as if you’re being pushed to do something that doesn’t really make sense to you, but this is the nature of unconscious expression. Anxiety might arise from your current confusion; the more you try to figure out what’s happening, the farther away the answers seem. Don’t take your lack of clarity too seriously, for it will pass soon enough.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

People usually trust your answers because you have plenty of common sense and typically seem to know what to do. Now, however, you are less likely to be certain about what comes next. Your acute lack of confidence could lead you down the path of less resistance, which may not take you in your intended direction. The most important thing is to allow yourself the luxury of wasting time today, even if it feels counterproductive.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Although you may be quick to rise, dress and prepare for work, something still could be bothering you. You don’t know what’s expected of you today, but this can be a creative time if you figure out how to let go of the details for a while. If you refuse to give up control, you could inadvertently invite unnecessary irritation. However, remaining open to change can lead to rich and meaningful experiences.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

There’s no need to panic now, even if you don’t have a game plan in place. In fact, expressing your fears might just make matters worse today. Unfortunately, you’re not fully in control of your immediate environment; the more you try to make something go your way, the more resistance you encounter. Attempting to resolve an issue could make your frustration level soar, so just work through the uncertainty the best you can.

Your Daily Love & Romance Horoscopes for Wed., May 23rd

Aries

Let’s face it, you have already experienced more than your fair share of relationship challenges and pressures, not only over recent months but on and off over the last few years. But you really have turned a corner and where before there were roadblocks there is now nothing but support. Use the past to empower you, while the door is still open to second chances.

Taurus

With the second half of 2012 destined to become a lot more relationship focused, work now to ensure that the communication lines are open. It’s a growing sense of romantic confidence and a return of your romantic passions that is giving you the courage to speak out, letting others in.

Gemini

Venus, planet of love will remain in retrograde motion in your sign until later next month, due to turn direct just 3 days after Saturn turns direct in your romantic sector. Until then the door to the past and to second chances is open, while in every other aspect of your life the focus is on the future and all that it holds.

Cancer

The Moon is wrapping up his last visit to your communication sector before a very rare Venus eclipse here in just 2 weeks time, giving you an intuitive read on the romantic nostalgia in the air. With the past already coming alive this gives you a chance to get up close and personal with old ghosts, recognising where you need to let go.

Leo

While you have no planetary activity in your romantic sector you are not on your own, with the North Node creating a natural current that is drawing you towards the future and your full romantic potential. This makes it important to keep your romantic focus on the future and the road ahead, for that’s where the opportunities lie.

Virgo

It was just a week ago today that the last opposition played out between forces on the personal and relationship fronts, giving you a chance to get things out in the open. Since then things have eased back on the relationship front and your personal passions and confidence have bounced back, with a need to hold onto the lessons of the last few months.

Libra

It was 2 weeks ago to the day that Mercury, planet of communication left your relationship sector, wrapping up the most active and defining but also the most challenging relationship months of the year. Chances are you won’t be tested this way again for several years, making it important to hold onto the lessons learned and the communication lines this opened.

Scorpio

As Mercury, planet of communication spends his last full day in your relationship sector he knows it will be another 12 years before he’ll meet up with lucky Jupiter here again, giving you the confidence to put your heart on your sleeve and everything on the line. With luck on your side and the communication lines open, what have you got to lose?

Sagittarius

It was the Moon’s return to your relationship sector just hours behind the Sun that formed the unexpected solar eclipse 2 days ago, but as he wraps up his visit he not only knows he’ll return next month for a second New Moon, but that a lot will change between now and then. This makes it important to listen to your instincts, but also keep an open mind and heart.

Capricorn

While Mercury, planet of communication visits your romantic sector once a year, giving you a chance to give your heart a voice and put heart and mind on the same page, it’s been 12 years since he’s teamed up with lucky Jupiter and it will be another 12 years before he does again. This makes his last full day here even more important, with giving your heart a voice a must.

Aquarius

It was the Moon’s return to your romantic sector 2 days ago and alignment with the Sun that created the solar eclipse that both opened new doors and created a real tailwind. But this is also the Moon’s first visit to your romantic sector since Venus turned retrograde here, giving you an intuitive read on the old doors that opened just a week ago to the day.

Pisces

It was a week ago to the day that Mars, planet of passion and the warrior planet of the cosmos faced his final battle and his final opposition, but already things have moved on considerably. Not due to leave your relationship sector until early July, Mars’ passions and fighting spirit can now go into bringing your relationships up to speed.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, May 22nd

Our optimism may turn a molehill into a mountain today as mischievous Mercury’s hook-up with bombastic Jupiter has us telling tall tales. Although the Mercury-Jupiter conjunction occurs in practical Taurus, three planets in carefree Gemini indicate our desire to fill the day with things to do and people to see. Thankfully, the Gemini Moon activates a trine between sweet Venus and realistic Saturn, reminding us that some things are worth the wait.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Although you may already have taken on too many responsibilities, you’re so confident that you’re ready to put even more on your plate today. Unfortunately, you could spend so much energy just trying to fulfill your obligations that there isn’t much time left over to relax. Don’t wait for the end of the day to wish you had less to complete. Instead, judiciously cut back on your activities by setting healthy limits right from the start.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You might think that your strategy is a sound one, but you could unexpectedly discover that you have oversimplified your plan. You feel a bit scattered today, even if you try to concentrate your efforts on what needs to be done. Although you know that pleasure eventually awaits you, finding the time to enjoy it remains tricky. Don’t get discouraged; satisfaction will be yours if you keep your eye on the prize.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Things can quickly get out of hand today with the Moon back in your changeable sign and your key planet Mercury contacting expansive Jupiter. You could easily underestimate what’s required to finish a specific task. Although you might feel overwhelmed for a while, you should be able to pull it all together by the end of the day. Don’t complain, even if you temporarily regret how much you promised. If you just stay focused and work steadily, you could have enough time left over to have some fun.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You could lose your momentum by thinking of all the reasons you can’t do something that you really want to do. Reality is testing you to see if you can overcome the obstacles in your path. Fortunately, your inner strength gives you enough clarity of vision now so you can organize many disparate puzzle pieces into a comprehensive picture. Although your friends show up to support your efforts, it’s up to you to accept the assistance that’s offered.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your moods seem to be changing quickly now and it’s difficult to know how you’re going to feel next. One minute you seem to have superpowers and then just a few moments later you’re back to being a mere mortal. Even if you can leap tall thoughts in a single bound, you still need to follow through with sensible action. There’s nothing wrong with having your head in the clouds as long as you can keep your feet on the ground at the same time.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You can accomplish a tremendous amount of work now and your productivity is likely to be positively acknowledged by others. However, you may be so enthralled with your big ideas that your excitement becomes your downfall. Unfortunately, you might not even realize if you’ve pushed too far. Don’t assume more responsibilities than you can realistically handle. Take preventative action today before you find yourself over-committed.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be a case study for the power of positive thought. You’re on a productive high now and might even be able to imagine something right into existence. It’s too bad you can’t bottle this confidence for a rainy day. Unfortunately, the creative juices are fickle and you could get yourself into trouble if you assume that you can sustain such a steady pace. Give yourself a bit of leeway today to wander off track and don’t be afraid to daydream along the way.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You honestly might not think you have time to relax enough to have the fun that is right in front of your nose. You can say that you’re ready to party, but it’s challenging to avoid the responsibilities that you already accepted. Acknowledge the limitations of what you cannot do in the present moment. Then, you will be freer to explore the deeper meaning of life without the burden of having to find the right answer.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You might get caught up in a minor power struggle today as you move through the changes that are being demanded of you. But the more you try to hold on to whatever you believe you had, the more difficult this conflict becomes. However, if your commitment to a larger cause is more important than achieving your personal goals, you should be able to gracefully navigate your way through the resistance.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You might feel a bit uncomfortable today as you try to get past your self-imposed restrictions in order to take advantage of the exciting opportunities that are being presented to you. The challenges may come to you now in the form of social engagements. However, you could learn something new if you don’t retreat too quickly. Instead, push up against your own insecurities; it’s time to recognize that your fears don’t need to get in the way of the potential in your life.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Someone might come to you with such a good idea today that it’s hard to resist. You may be feeling so upbeat now that nearly every opportunity looks worthwhile. It doesn’t matter if you’re invited to participate in a business scheme or a private party; it probably sounds better than it actually is. Fortunately, there’s no reason to react negatively; just remain open to modifying your position as more and more of the truth is unveiled.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may mistakenly believe that you can see the whole picture now. Unfortunately, precision of thought doesn’t necessarily come along with the vision. Sure, you can visualize it all, but you could jump to a wrong conclusion or miss an important detail that’s integral to making the right choices. You will probably choose in favor of the new opportunity because it sounds too amazing to say no. Just remember not to over-commit or you might end up regretting your decision.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Days Of The Week Comments

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.

Magickal Graphics

Your Business & Career Horoscopes for the Week of May 21

Aries

It’s where you’ve been held back or penned in on the work front that you’re finally able to put your foot down and go for it this week, spurred on by a new sense of urgency on the income front. It was only last week that Mars, planet of passion, drive and ambition faced his last hurdle and not due to leave your work sector until the 4th July what has been a marathon is switching back to a sprint again. As you come into the home straight of a journey that began last November, you’re no longer green behind the ears and you have a wealth of experience and professional hindsight to draw on. This allows you to pick your battles wisely at what is a time for putting your head down and your tail up, putting everything you have into everything you do.

Taurus

There is a new level of confidence on the work front this week and it’s coming from the fact that things have shifted to support your hard work and effort and all the drudge work put in, in the past. Saturn, the only planet in either of your professional houses, has been in retrograde motion in your work sector since early February and will remain in retrograde motion until later next month, so nothing has changed as far as he’s concerned. It’s still all about putting your head down and your tail up, putting in the hard work behind the scenes that you need to but more that the conditions have changed. Saturn is no longer under pressure, so the work pressure should have eased right back, but it’s support and confidence on the income front that has changed all the filters.

Gemini

There is a chance to pull back this week. It was just last week that the last in a series of Mars oppositions, that has put direct pressure on your career sector, finally ran its course. Where this created professional pressure and work/life balance pressures specifically, you’ve had a chance to learn a lot and take heed of any wake up calls. But with the pressure gone and both Neptune and Chiron, the planets staying on to keep your professional game on a roll slowing down, ahead of their retrograde turn early next month, there is no longer any urgency. Instead there is a chance to pull back this week and work with the cards already on the table. This is now all about the big picture and it’s that big picture that you have a chance to refer back to now, with a chance to get your bearings.

Cancer

Pay attention to any work pressure early in the week, finding a balance between avoiding sweating the small stuff and not sticking your head in the sand. It’s on Monday, 2 weeks to the day before a lunar eclipse in your work sector is likely to see fate reveal the final wildcard up its sleeve, that the Moon and Sun will align to push some buttons. This comes at the start of the month long wind down to your current solar year, when there is a need to start conserving energy and to pace yourself. This may present as a case of Mondayitis, in which case you need to humour yourself and not push through this, telling yourself to buck up. There is a serious need to slow down and to look at where any expectations are coming from. A slower approach may see you accomplish more in the long run.

Leo

Moving into the new week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your career sector would suggest that this is going to be a professionally charged week and while it will remain an important professional week, things ease back dramatically while becoming more urgent at the same time. With the Sun and Moon leaving your career sector on Monday, Mercury on Thursday and none meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years, all your cards are now on the table. It’s the insight, professional instincts and intellectual savvy that the Sun, Moon and Mercury leave you with that allow you to move into what is the end game ready to play your A game. With Jupiter leaving on the 12th June it’s time to bring things home.

Virgo

Venus’ retrograde turn in your career sector last week and her first full week in retrograde motion suggests this should be a fairly quiet professional week, with the focus on the past and on working behind the scenes. While this will play a part in this week’s dynamics this is anything but a behind the scenes week, with your professional game being thrust into the limelight in the early hours of the week. It’s on Monday that the Sun and Moon not only return to your career sector within hours of each other, but align to form a solar eclipse on Monday. This opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities, just as Venus is opening the door to the past and second chances. Mercury’s return to your career sector gives you the intellectual savvy to manage a changing professional landscape.

Libra

You have a chance to rest on your laurels this week. It was only last Thursday that work pressure began to ease off, yet unlike the false starts of the past, this time you really have crossed your final hurdle. Pay attention as your professional instincts kick in, from Thursday or Friday onwards, for what you’ll be picking up on is the Moon’s return to your career sector, for what is his last visit before new doors open in less than 2 weeks time. Once new doors open on the career front, from the 7th June onwards, they’ll remain open for the next 3 months, bringing you to the most important professional months of the year, especially when it comes to looking at where to from here. This makes it important to step back this week, catching your breath before the next wave.

Scorpio

Things have eased back considerably on the work front, to a point where you’re now able to focus more on pacing yourself, keeping what has been put in motion in play. Mercury only left your work sector on the 9th May, so this is still early days and with Uranus staying on to keep things on track, it’s less about the push to bring things up to speed and more about being in the driver’s seat, keeping things on the road. It’s the Moon’s return to your career sector on Saturday, a month to the day before new doors are due to open, that gives you a chance to both sharpen your professional instincts and look ahead. This gives you your first real glimpse of what will be the defining months of your professional year, with a chance to start looking ahead to new mountains and goals to conquer.

Sagittarius

Despite a professionally driven start to the week, expect things to ease back. It was only last week that Mars faced his final hurdle and not due to leave your career sector until the 4th July, his professional passions move into the overdrive this week, ready to make up for lost time. At the same time you begin the week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your work sector, completing one of the most formidable line ups you’ve gone into a new working week with all year. Yet while you still have several more weeks to bring things up to speed on the career front, on the work front this is the end game. The Sun and Moon leave your work sector on Monday and Mercury on Thursday and with Jupiter leaving 3 weeks later it’s time to wrap things up and tie up loose ends.

Capricorn

After Venus’ retrograde turn in your work sector last week her first full week in retrograde motion should see things pull right back especially as Saturn, the only other planet in either of your professional houses, is also in retrograde motion in your career sector. While this does open the door to second chances on the work and career fronts, especially as Venus and Saturn are working together, this is destined to be anything but a quiet and behind the scenes week. It all changes dramatically when within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon not only return to your work sector on Monday, but align to form a solar eclipse. This opens the door to new beginnings and a game changing month on the work front, while the doors to second chances are also open.

Aquarius

Apart from a Full Moon in your career sector earlier in the month you’ve had no help from the professional gods this year, with no planetary activity in either of your professional houses so far this year. That’s about to change with Mercury returning to your work sector on the 7th June, opening the door to an active 3 months on the work front that will overlap the start of a much bigger phase on the career front, that won’t ease off until 2015. In short, your time on the professional sidelines is about to end, with the Moon’s last visit to your work sector before things kick off giving you a chance to sharpen your instincts, get your bearings and pick up on some valuable clues. Keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially between Thursday and Saturday.

Pisces

Look behind any work/life balance pressures, for it’s coming from buttons being pushed as planetary influence kicks in on the home front, inadvertently putting pressure on the very points on the career front that are due to come to a head during a lunar eclipse in just a few weeks time. At the same time this gives you a chance to address any work/life balance issues it also provides some valuable wake up calls, putting you on alert to developments that are likely to come to a head during the lunar eclipse in your career sector on the 4th June. It’s the Moon’s return to your work sector on Saturday, a month to the day before Mercury returns and opens the door to the first planetary activity here for the year that gives you a chance to tap into any clues, hunches and insights ahead of time.

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for May 21st

Aries

Ever since Venus, planet of love returned to your communication sector early last month, communication has become even more important, especially on the relationship front. With Venus already opening the door to second chances and an opportunity to give the past and unsaid words a voice, today creates an opportunity for new beginnings as well.

Taurus

As your birthday month comes to an end you’re able to create a real line in the sand, distancing yourself from the romantic setbacks and challenges of recent weeks and months, ready to move on. Any roadblocks are behind you and the most romantically charged and important relationship months of the year lay in front of you.

Gemini

If how a new solar year begins is any indication of how it will continue, then this is destined to be a big year on both the personal and romantic fronts. Your new solar year kicks off today with a solar eclipse, opening some major new doors and providing a real tailwind, at a time when the door is open to second chances on the romantic front.

Cancer

Just when you thought the focus on the past couldn’t be more extreme with Venus, planet of love in retrograde motion in an already nostalgic part of your chart and Pluto in retrograde motion in your relationship sector, it does just that today. As you begin the process of wrapping up your solar year, the solar spotlight shifts to the road behind.

Leo

This is a day for coming out in defence of your heart and your romantic confidence, which could get a bit of a bruising during today’s solar eclipse. But with a lunar eclipse in your romantic sector in just 14 days time this is more a wakeup call, with a chance to look at what’s still pushing your buttons and why.

Virgo

There is a real sense of relief in the air, as whatever relationship hurdles you needed to cross are now behind you. In fact, things are settling down so much on the relationship front and such a steady sense of momentum is now possible, that you run the risk of letting a growing professional focus swamp things.

Libra

There is a new sense of freedom and liberation being felt on both the romantic and relationship fronts, that is giving you permission to let both your love life and your relationships take their natural and intended course. This is not only influencing your journey forward but the way that you’re looking back on the past.

Scorpio

Both the Moon and Sun leave your relationship sector today, bringing to an end a defining month on the relationship front, but in a way that leaves you with a sense that there is still more to be done. At the same time that the Sun leaves you with some reality checks the Moon leaves you with an intuitive sense of what’s a priority and what isn’t.

Sagittarius

There is a very dramatic turn of events on the relationship front today, with the Sun and Moon not only returning to your relationship sector within hours of each other, but aligning to form a solar eclipse. With zero build up this might take you by surprise, suddenly opening new doors just as you’re adjusting the old doors that are now open.

Capricorn

Within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon leave your romantic sector today and in both cases it will be another 12 years before either meet up with lucky Jupiter here again. This makes it important to hold onto the realistic and intuitive read they give you of your heart and romantic needs and situation, taking the messages on board and to heart.

Aquarius

Today is one of the most important days of your romantic year, more because of the huge turning point created by not only the Sun and the Moon’s return to your romantic sector, but the solar eclipse this creates. Having a solar eclipse on Day 1 of what was always going to be game changing months, creates a chance to draw a real line in the sand.

Pisces

There is no doubt that you’ve turned a corner on the relationship front, but also that the journey isn’t complete. With the objectives, challenges and roadblocks behind you you’re in the rebuilding phase and the glue and nails that will help you build better and stronger relationships moving forward are words and good intentions.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware of Doug.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

Friday, May 18, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 17th

It feels like a brand new world with the Moon in pioneering Aries today, yet her opposition to restrictive Saturn can hold us back until we have a better idea of where we’re going. And although we are building momentum now that energetic Mars is speeding up, we may nostalgically look back at what we had with Venus a couple days into her retrograde cycle. Nevertheless, we are still heading toward big changes that grow more inevitable every day.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are being offered a new deal when the Moon visits your excitable sign, emphasizing the extraordinary potential that unexpected opportunities bring. You can’t rely on old assumptions anymore since the rules are changing as you play the game. Don’t be cocky and think that everything you imagine will unfold according to your plans. You have something important to learn from the obstacles you now face in spite of your good intentions.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’re at another turning point in your life, but everything could seem more important now than it actually is. It still may take several months to gain clarity about your long-term goals, yet your current choices are instrumental in setting a new direction. Don’t be overly concerned if you can’t synthesize your desires into one single goal. Just allow your daydreams to flow without analysis; you will have plenty of time to make sense of it all later on.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You wish you could bounce around from one amazing distraction to another today, but you are afraid that others might perceive you as being flighty and unreliable. Unfortunately, your restlessness only increases if you attempt to restrain yourself by finishing every single thing you start. Luckily, you will have time to complete projects soon enough; just enjoy your high spirits now, even if you’re secretly worried that you’re just wasting your time and energy.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You might feel as if someone is pushing you to go faster than you prefer. Fortunately, you are enthusiastic about the prospects of where your work is leading, even if the potential instability also brings up old issues about your fear of change. Don’t let old memories get in the way of current opportunities. Thankfully, you won’t need to sacrifice too much security in order to keep up with how fast your life is unfolding.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Someone with authority may be granting you the freedom of choice now. You are being offered a fresh start, but you still have to take the initiative in order to follow your dreams. The path you choose may require time to manifest, but this is the chance to set your intentions. Take action today. Even if you don’t have all the details figured out, you can put the pieces together along the way.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may be increasingly aware that something is missing from your life. It’s tricky to describe what you’re feeling now, but you realize that it’s time to let go of your old assumptions about what you can do. You might feel as if you’re being swept up by a big wave. However, if you say no and try to resist, you could end up regretting that you missed an opportunity of a lifetime.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Too much drama isn’t your idea of a good time, but someone could rock your world today by bringing surprising news, a significant opportunity or an innovative idea. However, it’s not wise to jump too quickly. Instead, exercising cautious optimism is a better strategy since anything that enters your life now looks better than it really is. Nevertheless, if you don’t turn your life inside out, you could take an important step on a major journey.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Making small improvements to your lifestyle by introducing new habits into your daily routine can have lasting positive impact. Fortunately, it’s easier than you expect to move past an old emotional pattern that prevents you from taking the next step on your path. However, there’s no latitude for halfway measures today. You know exactly what you must do now, so don’t delay any longer.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although waves of nostalgia tempt you to hold on to the past, you have a narrow window of opportunity now to launch yourself into the future. Luckily, you aren’t one to turn down an invitation for a great adventure, so go ahead and set your sights on a far-off galaxy, strap on your seat belt and prepare for blast-off. Just don’t let your confidence grow into arrogance because you’re still likely to encounter a little turbulence along the way.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You need to reinvent your life now by remembering your personal history and retelling your story from a fresh perspective. Creating a new framework for the past enables you to envision radically different possibilities for the future. Nevertheless, your desire to break free from your present circumstances might stress you out because of the lack of security. Don’t worry if you need additional time to get everything in order before you make your move. It’s helpful to look back; just remember to also look ahead.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You can’t avoid the realization that your life is changing and the speed of events in your personal world seems to be accelerating. Even if you aren’t keeping up with everything, there’s no need for worry because the new routine looks like a lot of fun. However, if you experience self-doubt, remember that he who hesitates is lost. Ultimately, you can figure out a way to make it all work.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may express a sigh of relief today as the pressure for change temporarily eases. Just keep in mind that your current growth phase isn’t finished; you simply have a chance now to move a project along at your own speed by taking a good idea and developing it further. You might be tempted to immediately jump right in, but impulsive actions won’t create the lasting results you seek. It’s more important to build momentum strategically than to rush ahead without knowing where you are going.

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