Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, January 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hide.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 01, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • Annie B. Bond

 

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of rodents.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Just In Time For The Holidays – Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

  • Annie B. Bond

Modern science has recently confirmed that the time of year in which we were born can give us valuable information about our health, and serve as predictors for certain conditions. But ancient wisdom has always known that our sun sign can suggest foods which are best suited to us and that can keep us feeling vital and healthy.

Our horoscope can also explain some of those odd food cravings that we sometimes get! (For example, a friend’s son has craved grapes, cucumbers, and black olives since he was little. Can you guess his sign?)

Find out which foods are perfect for your horoscope sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Red fruits and vegetables, garlic, ginger, leeks, onion, radish, rhubarb, tea.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Almond, apple, apricot, beet, cherry, ginger, peach, pear, plum, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Celery, endive, ginger, mushroom, pomegranate, tangerine, seeds.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber, endive, grape, lemon, lentil, lettuce, melon, mushroom, olive, papaya, potato, pumpkin, seaweed, turnip, watermelon.

Leo, July 23-Aug. 22:Almond, chestnut, corn, date, ginseng, grape, grapefruit, lemon, olive, orange, pineapple, rice, walnut.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Almond, barley, beans, celery, fig, hazelnut, millet, oat, pecan, peanut, pistachio, pomegranate.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22:Almond, apple, apricot, artichoke, asparagus, beans, cherry, chestnut, chickpea, fig, grape, lentil, parsnip, peach, pear, pea, plum, pomegranate, rhubarb, strawberry, wheat.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21:Artichoke, asparagus, carrot, garlic, ginger, leek, onion, pepper, pimento, pomegranate, pumpkin, shallot.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21:Almond, apricot, asparagus, buckwheat, chestnut, endive, leek, lime, olive, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry, tomato.


Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Barley, beet, potato, spinach, root vegetables.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18:Almond, beans, endive, hazelnut, pecan, pistachio.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Coffee, mushroom, seaweed.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Your Horoscope Story

Your Horoscope Story

  • Annie B. Bond

Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.

But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.

Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, December 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

  • Annie B. Bond

Our sun-sign horoscope can give us a simple but powerful affirmation of what it is we seek in this life. As we begin the new year we could all benefit from this reminder, to help us stay on the path that is right for us.

Find out what your sun sign tells you about your deepest soul nature, and what it is you seek, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I seek my Self. I accept my energy and ability to launch new actions for the betterment and benefit of myself or for others.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I seek my Self through what I have. I use stability and persistence for the benefit of myself and others.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I seek my Self through what I think. My keen perceptive intuition is all that is needed for the evolution of myself and others.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I seek my Self through what I feel. I am the star in a sea of stars, I am Water and the Moon, I provide the haven, the safe haven, in the universe.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I seek my Self through what I create. I am the Monarch of the universe, I am the Heart of hearts. I am the heart of Creative energy.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I seek my Self through what I learn. I am the Magician of the universe. I accept the healing and magical powers I have or will use. The key for tapping into my deeper resource is the ever-increasing acceptance of who I am now.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I seek my Self through what I unite. I hold the celestial balance in my hands; I am the Cosmic Judge. I am the artist and the lover, Peacemaker of the Heavens.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I seek my Self through what I desire. I am the Transformer, I am the Keeper of Mysteries, I am the Mystic.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I seek, therefore I am. I am the Seer of the Zodiac. I am the future now. I remember the future.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I seek my Self through what I use. I am enterprising, the Builder, the Organizer who looks toward higher orders, greater justice, constantly building relationships, families, communities, and countries.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I seek my Self through Humanity. I am the Truth Sayer, the Scientist, the Revolutionary. I am the genius Sign of the Zodiac.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I seek my Self when I don’t seek my Self. I amt he Beloved, I am the Loving, I am the Poet. I am the Divine Dark Warrior, I am the Divine White Healer.

 

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 17th

Organizational themes are a number one concern with the Moon continuing its monthly transit through Virgo. Eliminate non-essentials from cupboards, drawers and closets. Be the efficiency master in the residential and business realms. Out with clutter; in with order. Antique hunters and collectible aficionados are in their glory when the Moon illuminates this sixth sign of the zodiac – associated very strongly with valuable items from the past that have particular or unusual markings, engravings, signatures and historical meaning. Clean-up campaigns are also reinforced to make sure everything shines again with its original essence. When the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase arrives (energizing 26 degrees of Sagittarius and Virgo at 4:49PM PST), cut through obstacles on your mental and even spiritual path. Tap into your creative artistry or come from the heart with a primary partner shortly thereafter as a Moon-Venus flowing trine in earth signs provides a loving boost (6:30PM PST). Nevertheless, this Moon-Venus connection also begins a 5+ hour void cycle that lasts until 12:07AM PST on Sunday when the Moon enters affable, airy Libra. It is wise to simmer down emotionally during this void lunar twilight zone. Finish odd jobs and projects with finesse while waiting until the lunar orb enters Libra before launching new, bold initiatives.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Your Horoscope Vacation

Your Horoscope Vacation

  • Cait Johnson

The ideal vacation for a fiery, active Aries will probably look very different than the getaway for a tradition-loving Taurus or a super-organized Virgo, for instance. The wisdom from our sun sign can show us how to get the maximum in soul-nurturance from our summer break.

Find out what your horoscope can tell you about your ideal vacation here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: You will probably prefer a break that includes a lot of physical activity: surfing, kayaking, hiking, or vigorous sightseeing. If the rest of your family prefers loafing on the beach, find ways to stay on an even keel by doing yoga or tai chi in the sand.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Taurus people generally prefer going to places that are familiar and traditional. This year, you might want to hoist yourself out of your rut and go someplace new. Wherever you go, you will find the deepest nurturance in the fertile green energy of nature.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Geminis sometimes find it hard to feel grounded and to quiet their quickly-moving minds. You might consider taking a meditation retreat to help yourself be deeply present and still. If your family wants to do a theme park instead, just make sure you take time to go someplace quiet and simply sit.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: It can be difficult to get sensitive home-loving Cancers to go anywhere, but the seaside is a natural choice if you do decide to leave the safety and comfort of home. Allow the sound of the surf to bring you ease.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Most Leos love vacations that offer plenty of opportunity for your vitality to shine, so anything from karaoke singing to drama workshops to simply being the tour guide for your family may all appeal. You are a natural activities-director and entertainer, so enjoy!

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: It is all too easy for Virgos to get caught up in the details of planning the vacation and forget to relax and be in the moment. But time spent gardening (or visiting famous gardens) or simply indulging in wonderful organic meals will help to soothe you.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony-loving Libras may find they are more focused on pleasing everyone else when it comes to taking a vacation than in pleasing themselves. Be sure to feed your sensitive spirit with plenty of beauty, both natural and human: art museums and natural vistas both will offer soul-food.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Because Scorpios are so drawn to the depths, your ideal vacation may involve a spiritual workshop of some kind, or learning an esoteric practice, or doing deep couples work with your partner. If not, then snorkeling or scuba-diving might offer a literal way for you to explore those depths of which you are so fond.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sparkly Sagittarians usually need plenty of activity and social interaction to feed their souls. Your ideal vacation might involve a group tour of some interesting spot or a glimpse of another culture.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Work-oriented Capricorns usually need to be pried away from their desks and routines with a crowbar, but if you do decide you deserve a break, time spent in the mountains or some other expansive view will help you to unwind.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your fertile imagination will take pleasure in coming up with meaningful activities to share with your closest loved ones. Anything that offers spiritual inspiration will be likely to engage and nurture you.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Because of your dedication to service, your ideal vacation may involve some kind of environmental or social outreach: helping to clean up a park or building a house for the needy may appeal to your altruistic nature. If your family just wants to have fun, you can channel your need to help in smaller but no less important ways.