Tag: Virgo

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 12

     the daily humorscope     

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aries              (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Taurus              (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer.  The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini              (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.   
Cancer              (June 21 – July 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it.  Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Leo              (July 23 – August 22)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.   
Virgo              (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet.  Remember: it’s OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Libra              (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles.  After that, trust no one.   
Scorpio              (October 23 – November 21)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold.  Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names.  Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light.  Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe.  (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Sagittarius              (November 22 – December 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously.  Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Capricorn              (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems.  You will call it SchizoSoft.  Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Aquarius              (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you.  This is a good time to be afraid.   
Pisces              (February 19 – March 20)
Your requests are being ignored.  Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will realize that it’s impossible to truly “control” anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some “influence” over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Daily Chinese Horoscopes for June 5

Rabbit

Money makes the world go around, but right now it has your head spinning. Someone has made a weird investment or is suggesting a strange way of making a few quick bucks, but make sure that you check into the details before you throw any of your own coin down a bottomless well.

Dragon

If you want to overcome a feeling of rejection today, focus on your self, your image, your own personal needs. Don’t be afraid to be prudently selfish today. That is exactly what you need to do if you are to understand and heal yourself today.

Snake

You could stumble across an old childhood hurt that is buried in your subconscious today. If you find yourself acting oddly and you don’t know why, stop for a moment and ask yourself “What is this all really about?” The answer could be healing.

Horse

Arguments or disagreements with friends could be a good thing today. All the cards will be on the table, in full view, and the two of you can decide as mature adults whether the problems can be overcome, or whether or not it might be time to agree to part the ways.

Sheep

Don’t try to push yourself today. If you have a shot at a self-indulgent day off, take it and run. Trying to run about to get shores, shopping, or work done will only make you frustrated and anxious. Don’t feel guilty about taking a well-deserved break.

Monkey

You may find yourself exploring a new educational opportunity or challenge today. You will be drawn to paper, books, and online knowledge that can increase your sense of well being or self-esteem. Focus on the wilder, newer and more innovative ideas that catch your eye.

Rooster

If you are looking for investing opportunities, homes, real estate and home improvements are all good bets – but don’t go overboard with trendy decorations. You may find that those hot colours aren’t going to be in style too long. If you go shopping, look for bargains.

Dog

Your love life flip-flops from fabulous to frustrating, sometimes within a few moments passion turns to pressure. You are not communicating well, and you are not terribly realistic about your responsibilities and expectations in relationships.

Pig

If you work with a business partner, or have a friendly coworker you confide in regularly, pay them special attention today. They may be a little tense right now but they are going to have ideas that could make you both a lot more prosperous.

Rat

You may decide to take up some kind of structured sporting activity in order to get more exercise. This could be something of a challenge at first. Make sure that you stretch, get proper food and hydration, and check with your doctor before doing anything too intense.

Ox

Family members are both a source of joy and frustration right now. One is busy flipping wildly from one side of the “manic-depressive” spectrum to the other, while another is offering to help out and may even come bearing a gift of money, or news of a possible job offer.

Tiger

You seem to have a hard time putting your thoughts into words today. There are times when your head says one thing and your mouth seems to want to say something else. Take long breaks if you are working on any important presentation or paperwork today.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 4

the daily humorscope 

Monday, June 04, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: “Hello, how are your feet?”

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for June 4th

Stop, look and listen! Silence is golden in the early hours as the Partial Lunar Eclipse strikes first at 4:04AM PDT followed 9 minutes later by the Full Moon at 4:13AM PDT (activating 15 degrees of Gemini and Sagittarius). Individual and group meditations are encouraged during what some esoteric groups call the Festival of Humanity. Send out your inspiring thoughts and prayers to friends, colleagues, relatives and the kingdoms of nature. Worrying about your own personal needs is a no-no. Think more about your higher destiny in this lifetime and how you can be of greater service to the invisible host of teachers, angels and spirits that orchestrate the universe from their elevated perspectives. Giving your religious beliefs and philosophy of life extra support is Neptune becoming motionless at 4 degrees of Pisces (2:05PM PDT) as it gradually shifts into retrograde motion – a reversal direction that lasts until November 10. All Neptune themes – dreams and visions, psychic sensitivity, the creative imagination, spiritual longings, ideals, artistic genius, universal love-wisdom, fishing and sailing, water sports, illusions, fantasies, confusion and chaos, addictive behavior and being hooked on anyone and anything – are intensified. Adding to today’s carnival-like atmosphere is a Venus-Mars square from Gemini to Virgo (5:29PM PDT). Strive for serenity in affairs of the heart. Fortunately, Venus will also make an inspirational, 72-degree contact with Pallas (6:34PM PDT) – offering encouragement regarding problem-solving and strategy sessions. The Moon, still transiting, adventurous and playful Sagittarius goes retrograde during a Moon-Mercury opposition (10:09PM PDT). Complete odd jobs and old projects on a high note during the next 7-hour uncertainty zone until the Moon enters industrious, earthy Capricorn at 5:32AM PDT on Tuesday.

New Moon Report for June 4th – Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius

Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius

Monday, June 4, 4:11 am PDT, 7:11 am EDT

The enthusiasm of this Sagittarius Full Moon is shadowed by a Lunar Eclipse that reminds us to let go of old dreams before we pursue new ones. Beliefs may need to be re-examined when they fail to provide the answers and inspiration that they did in the past. Education and travel could be interrupted and it might be wise to cancel a class or a trip if the going gets too tough. Fussy Mars in Virgo’s square to the Full Moon sparks battles over systems and details, yet worrying about methods is wasteful until long-term goals are clearly defined.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 2

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Your Daily Chinese Horoscopes for June 1

Rabbit

You have a serious “look” about you today, but where it comes to adventure you are all fun and games. You may be starting up a serious sporting event or club in your community, and could take a leadership role in your social circle.

Dragon

Your intuition will be sharper today, and you will be lead to opportunities in your local community to make an impact on the lives of others as well as your own. You may find that the act of repairing a few broken windows, painting over some graffiti could make a big difference.

Snake

Friends and family will be the theme again today, and you may find your recent efforts to play “matchmaker” are bearing fruit at long last. Your own love life could be heating up with some help from a relative who is eager to return the favor.

Horse

You might find that you are juggling your attention between home and work, especially if you have a small home office business. If you have a “day-job” expect some intrusions from your boss or employer, but there could be rewards for delaying your own entertainment to please a higher-up.

Sheep

Looks like you are thinking about or planning for a pleasure trip sometime soon. You may have to plan more than normal, but you have a terrific opportunity to learn a great deal from other people and other cultures. If you are a parent you may be doing a lot of extra driving today.

Monkey

Big financial changes are coming. A business partner or associate is going to plug you into a very lucrative deal. You’ll want to share some of the windfall to buy yourself some time to spend with your family soon. Be careful that you don’t spend too much money today.A considerable change in your spiritual, social or religious values will come along with insights and ideas that expand your boundaries. You may find that you have a new way to contribute to your community through a group, club or religious charity.

Rooster

It’s playtime all of a sudden. Whether you are single or partnered, you will find there is a dramatic spike in your romantic energy today. If you are single, that works well towards attracting a mate. If you are married, it adds some fire and spice to your love life.

Dog

You may be feeling cautiously optimistic about some workplace changes you plan or are facing in the near future. Don’t be afraid to experiment with beneficial alternative diets or healing plans. You may be a little ahead of the “acceptance curve” if you are hoping to encourage others to join you.

Pig

Artwork, entertainment devices, and recreational tickets are better bargains today. You will find you have more time, energy and money for self-enjoyment than you have had recently, and you really do need some extra time out to relax and recreate yourself.

Rat

If you are still single, this is a good day to take your latest “intended” home to meet the folks. You will find them to be more receptive to your choices than normal today. If you are already married, this is a good time to get together with in-laws to make a good impression.

Ox

Do be careful to stay at the speed limit if you are driving today. Your chart speaks of “unexpected encounters with authority figures while traveling” – which could add up to a speeding ticket if “Lead Foot Louie” is not extra careful today.

Tiger

Get ready for financial breakthroughs. If you have been looking for work, sharpen your pencil, dust off that resume, put on your best duds and hit the pavement. Today could be your lucky day. If you are employed look for a bonus, promotion or raise in the near future.

Daily Chinese Horoscopes for May 31st

Rabbit

You will likely be the centre of attention amid a large group of people today. You may be tempted to blow your own horn just a little too much. A true leader does not have to broadcast their presence, they simply inspire followers. You will find that if you are more subtle today, you’ll be more effective.

Dragon

You have powerful insights, vivid dreams, and flashes of intuition today that can powerfully enhance your life. You are about to undergo some changes in your love life, which will add some sparkle to your eyes, and some spring to your footsteps.

Snake

It will be an unusual day with many surprises, especially where it comes to friends, companions and neighbors. You may have an opportunity to make a huge impact on your neighborhood or community with the help of those you are closest to.

Horse

You will find yourself in a new career position as a result of some action or project you are undertaking. Don’t be afraid to pitch your wild and dramatic ideas, that’s what can get you noticed right now. You are heading off to do corporate battle.

Sheep

Your energy shoots way up and you have the ability to make terrific strides today. You could be looking into classes, seminars or online courses, and a life-changing trip could be on the horizon. Plan carefully, while it will be a great experience there are likely to be great changes.

Monkey

Financial benefits and good intuition combine today to bring you into a much more positive frame of mind. You’ll be something of a magnet for opportunity so make sure you are able to act quickly to take advantage. You may decide to treat yourself to a spa treatment soon.

Rooster

There is opportunity for romance indicated in your chart today. If you are still single, you should get out and have some fun tonight. You could meet someone who shares your interests and passions, who is able to tweak your energy and creativity.

Dog

You are dreaming about the perfect career today, and it is possible that a dream opportunity could fall into your lap. Don’t be afraid to make a risky bet on yourself. If you don’t go after this chance you will never know if you really had a chance.

Pig

Fun, fun fun! That’s all that is on your mind right now, but the daily realities make keep intruding into your play plans. You may first have to set aside some time to organize your responsibilities so that you can get away to an entertainment or sporting event.

Rat

Home improvement classes or a long-planned home renovation are wonderful ways for you to enjoy yourself and build enjoyment and-or equity in your home. If you do not already own a home, you could find that it is easier than you think to get started down the path to home ownership.

Ox

The phone is going to be ringing off the hook today. The positive calls will come from friends and loved ones. Your social life is on the upswing. The challenging calls come from coworkers, employers or demanding customers making last-minute changes to everything.

Tiger

Things are looking a lot better financially today. You could receive that cheque that has been in the mail, or hear news about an upcoming raise, bonus or promotion. You may be taking an Internet course that could boost your earning potential.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 31st

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 31, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 30th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 30th

Your creative artistic expression receives a notable boost as Venus makes an inspirational, 72-degree link to high-flying Uranus (12:52AM PDT). Some of these positive vibes could get lost in the shuffle because the Moon is in void mode in Virgo until 3:47AM PDT when the lunar orb enters airy Libra. Once the Moon enters Libran territory, strive to increase the value of your investments as Mercury makes a subtle and yet still supportive, 30-degree link to Vesta (5:21AM PDT). Healing forces are highlighted at 10:06AM PDT when the Sun squares Chiron. The question here is whether you can tweak the healing vibes in order that you successfully treat and repair old wounds and pains. If you are looking for trouble, you will undoubtedly find it around the time when the Moon makes its monthly opposition to Uranus (4:58PM PDT) quickly followed by a 90-degree struggle between Mercury in Gemini and Mars in Virgo (5:21PM PDT). Mental and emotional hassles can lead to a rise in temperamental conditions across the board. Don’t project anger on to well-meaning friends and loved ones. Find ways to negotiate agreements and settlements even with hard-nosed competitors and adversaries – if possible. Let the good times roll several hours later as the Moon forms a flowing trine of 120-degrees in air signs with the Sun (8:49PM PDT). Dismiss the moody blues by replacing ornery attitudes with a happy and enthusiastic disposition. You can feel the illuminating vibrations coming from tomorrow morning’s inspirational, 72-degree connection from Mercury to Pallas.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

by Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of Doug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 29th

, May 29, 2012

 

If you feel besieged by worries and nervous anxiety, there is a cosmic reason. The Sun follows the lead of Mercury from yesterday when the Messenger of the Gods formed dicey aspects with Saturn and Pluto. Now it is the turn of the Sun to make a frictional, 135-degree tie with taskmaster Saturn (12:54AM PDT) while the Sun then moves on to form an abrasive, 150-degree contact with extremist Pluto (4:57PM PDT). Thus, for two days in a row, the potentially malevolent forces associated with the shadow sides of Saturn and Pluto are back on the prowl. Your best approach is to be a goodwill ambassador to colleagues, friends and dear ones for the entire day. You may be able to stay productive in arts, crafts and hobbies – thanks to a Moon-Ceres trine from Virgo to Taurus (10:43AM PDT). If possible, stock up on vitamins, supplements, cereals, grains, herbs, nuts, seeds and seasonings with the Moon in the sixth sign of the zodiac. Put primary partnerships under the microscope tonight when Juno opposes Jupiter (10:25PM PDT). Strive to empower your most important relationship ties because a short-circuiting at this time might prove highly detrimental. Giving you extra encouragement to make progress in improving love ties is a Moon-Jupiter flowing trine of 120-degrees at 10:51PM PDT. However, this Moon-Jupiter liaison also begins a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:47AM PDT tomorrow when the Moon enters Libra. Don’t make major decisions overnight.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Deny everything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”

the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

Your Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for May 25 – 27

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Hearts Take Center Stage

May 25 – 27

It’s showtime this weekend, and the curtain goes up when the Moon dances into dramatic Leo early on Friday evening. This is a time to express your creativity and your feelings without restraint. It’s definitely more interesting to go too far than to play it safe and hold back emotions. Indulging in a little fantasy is perfect as communicative Mercury crosses paths with imaginative Neptune. Reality takes a temporary backseat to living in the moment without concern for what tomorrow will bring. It’s like Las Vegas is everywhere and everyone can leave behind adult responsibilities to play with heartfelt abandon. Of course, you shouldn’t take what you hear or say too seriously in these ungrounded circumstances.

Dressing to impress on Saturday, almost as if you’re a performer, puts stars in peoples’ eyes and smiles on their faces. Being generous is a wonderful way to please a partner, so open your heart and wallet to make this a special time. Making memories is more important than saving money or saving face. The more love and affection that’s given, the more you’ll get back in return.

This joyous influence continues until late Sunday night when the Moon moves into pragmatic Virgo and minds shift away from play and toward the workweek that lies ahead.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, May 24, 2012 

 

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”