Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 22nd

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today – metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

the daily humorscopes for friday, october 21

the daily humorscope

Friday, October 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It’s hard. But I’ve learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid.” And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny”. Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, October 20th

This day starts under a void lunar cycle in emotion-laden Cancer. Before the Moon enters fiery Leo (3:07AM PDT), there will be a Moon-Mars parallel (2:45AM PDT). Any parallel by the Moon is short-lived because the Moon is the fastest moving body relative to the Earth. However, even though a Moon-Mars connection quickly dissipates, when it is happening there can be a lot of intensity – particularly if you happen to make a reckless move or act too egocentrically. Once the Moon is transiting in Leo, it is always helpful to come from the heart in all vital discussions. Being altruistic and generous is the key to being happy as the lunar orb moves through this fifth sign of the zodiac. Trying to manipulate others or lord it over them by claiming a divine right of kings and queens is a total no-no. Inspirations are flying fast as the Moon trines Uranus (6:05AM PDT). Hitting the high-tech, computer and electronics trail is once again back in style. This Moon-Uranus rapport is a key motivating aspect of the day and as long as you don’t overdo a good thing or become super-obstinate during the Moon’s square to Jupiter in plodding Taurus (2:38PM PDT), you should be in good shape for a fun-loving evening.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 20th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of slime creatures today. There’s one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Dium”, or “Sieze the Day!.” Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

the daily humorscopes for tueday, october 18th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 17th

the daily humorscope

Monday, October 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone named “Bob” is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win.” The second law says “you can’t break even.” The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 16th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, October 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 15th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of turnips.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. If you can figure out what kind of hat to wear, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter. You’ll forget all about this when you take your reading glasses off, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for October 14th – 16th

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Picking up Speed

October 14 – 16

Friday is perfect for life in the slow lane. The mood-setting Moon is in stable Taurus, which likes to find a comfortable situation and stay in it as long as possible. This sensual Earth sign, though, is especially hungry for love, companionship and pleasure on Friday when its amorous ruling planet Venus opposes Jupiter. This yummy alignment of attractive Venus and expansive Jupiter increases appetites for all the delicious things in life. Self-indulgence, though, is one risk, while over-estimating someone else is another. Stretching the boundaries of taste is appropriate as long as it doesn’t cost too much. Still, don’t forget about the powers of food and touch to tap into the best the Bull has to offer.

The pace changes considerably on Saturday when the Moon bounces into jittery Gemini. Energy is all over the place with a hundred ideas and activities calling for attention. Conversations flow freely in this chatty sign, but it’s also easy to talk without commitment or a profound depth of feeling. Friendliness and flirtatiousness are traits more associated with fickle Gemini than fidelity, so people tend to avoid serious issues to keep things light-hearted. Still, Gemini’s verbal ruling planet Mercury forms a supportive aspect with incisive Pluto on Sunday that makes deeper discussions more likely.

the daily humorscopes for friday, october 14th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, October 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 12th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know — the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they’re still warm, like that, huh? I don’t know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you’ll irritate yourself.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Angst day, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 11th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy”. Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don’t act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it’s embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It’s hard to pretend they’re just spraying for roaches…

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 10th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, October 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You’ll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 9th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, October 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, October 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

the daily humorscopes for friday, oct. 14

the daily humorscope 

Friday, October 07, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm.” You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was “excellent” at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 6th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Thursday, October 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody’s guess.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 5th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what’s making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 4th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You’ve been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven’t you?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley.” Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.

the daily humorscopes for monday, october 3rd

the daily humorscope  

Monday, October 03, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn’t have to have cheese, you know.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.