A Little Humor For Your Day – You’re no longer cool when….

You’re no longer cool

You Are No Longer “Cool” When

  1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
  2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
  3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
  4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
  5. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
  6. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
  7. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
  8. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
  9. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
  10. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
  11. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
  12. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
  13. You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
  14. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
  15. You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
  16. You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.
  17. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

AhaJokes.com

the daily humorscopes for friday, october 14th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, October 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Your Charm for 3/30

Your Charm for Today
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Today’s Meaning:
This aspect is affected by good financial fortune. Your good fortune will come from an investment, an unexpected windfall, or a change of vocation.

General Description:
In India and Tibet, and other countries were Buddhism is practiced, the Conch Shell is prized as a charm for oratory, learning, protection, good fortune and riches. As Conch Shells were used as the current coin among all the primitive peoples of the East, no doubt this has suggested their use as charms for bringing wealth. The Conch Shell is also one of the eight emblems of Buddha, all of which are used as talismans. They consist of the Wheel of the Law, Conch Shell, Lucky Diagram, Goldn Fish, Umbrella, Vase, Lotus, and the Turmpet of Victory.