Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

 

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 7

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

New Moon Report for June 3rd – Neptune Retrograde

Neptune Retrograde

Friday, June 3

Soft-edged Neptune’s backward turn is a subtle astrological event that’s unlikely to have any immediate obvious effects. However, during its 5-month retrograde period the spiritual influences represented by this planet are more likely to arise from within through instinctive awareness than to result from external instruction. Practicing meditation and having faith in your own wisdom can produce more useful answers than any book or teacher now.

 

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for May 20 – 22

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Get It All Out in the Open

May 20 – 22

Friday is unusually stressful because the Moon is in orderly Capricorn, which often adds a note of seriousness, while other planetary patterns are burning with intensity. Verbal Mercury hooks up in a conjunction with assertive Mars, heating up conversations and encouraging reckless behavior. Bold words can trigger new connections, inspire interest or provoke irritable responses. Fortunately, potent Pluto’s harmonious 120-degree trines to Mercury and Mars add depth, meaning and sensitivity that enable us to discuss difficult matters with delicacy and make powerful points with tact.

Loving Venus’ trine with Pluto on Saturday is also favorable to connecting at very deep places, enabling mature assessment of desires and relationships. However, there is a countering cooling trend that tends to put ideas ahead of emotions. The Sun enters breezy Gemini in the morning, which is great for chatting and flirting, but runs contrary to the hunger for more meaningful encounters symbolized by Venus trine Pluto. The Moon enters airy Aquarius at night, giving us another push toward intellectualism and objectivity and away from emotional attachments.

The experimental Aquarius Moon makes tricky 90-degree squares with Venus, Mars and Mercury in traditional Taurus on Sunday. These transits could signify a clash of values between those willing to take risks by following unfamiliar paths and those who want to play it safe by sticking with the status quo. On the positive side, however, this can provoke a re-evaluation of needs and expectations that clarifies issues. Differences might not be resolved but at least they’re finally out in the open, clearing the air so that common ground can eventually be found.

New Moon Report for May 17th – Full Moon in Scorpio

Full Moon in Scorpio

Tuesday, May 17, 4:08 am PDT, 7:08 am EDT

The hungry Scorpio Moon faces off with the contented Sun in Taurus, causing us to reconsider our goals and the effort required to fulfill them. The psychological depth of this lunar placement tunes us in to the deepest levels of our feelings. This connection is very helpful for those willing to explore an emotional underground where unconscious fears and desires are often buried. Awareness of what we’re missing can either motivate us to invest more to fulfill our needs or lead some to give up in despair. This Full Moon presents a stark contrast between safety and danger, pacification and passion, illuminating the underlying values that drive much of our behavior.

Weekend Lunar Lovescopes for May 13 – 15

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Surprising and Sexy Situations

May 13 – 15

The Moon’s entry into gracious Libra on Friday morning should signal ideal conditions for romance. This is the relationship sign that’s so good at being sweet, sociable and accommodating to others. Indecision is an occasional issue for this well-balanced sign, but now there are other planetary pressures that complicate the emotional landscape.

The Moon is opposed by unruly Uranus and squared by ornery Pluto on Friday, ruffling feathers and rattling cages. It’s easy to be upset by unexpected events, radical shifts of mood or a profound sense of alienation. It’s best to keep things simple as this may reduce the likelihood of relationship complications. Breaking free of old habits and pushing back against bullies and manipulative people are potential positive points of this cosmic environment.

Saturday’s planetary energy is somewhat quieter, allowing for the more desirable aspects of the harmonious Libra Moon to shine. Collaborating on ideas with an open mind and sharing feelings with an open heart are among its gifts.

Sunday tells a very different story with the Moon’s shift from objective Libra to passionate Scorpio in the morning. It’s a great day to indulge the senses, as lovable Venus dances into her earthy home sign Taurus and mental Mercury quickly follows to reinforce our need for comfort. Scorpio hungers for deeper connections, driving us to push harder for what we want and, perhaps, to be more upset about what we’re missing. Still, the Mercury-Venus shift into easygoing Taurus is a reminder to enjoy the simple beauty that surrounds all of us. Celebrating the intrinsic value of oneself and experiencing joy in the simple pleasures brings a bit of balance to Scorpio’s inferno of desire and could end up making this a very sexy day.

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

the daily humorscopes for april 21st

Your Charm for April 12 is Taurus The Bull

Your Charm for Today
<!–   Interpretation Basics–>
 
 

Taurus The Bull
 
Today’s Meaning:
This aspect of your life will be strongly influenced by a person who is patient, reliable, warmhearted, loving, persistent, determined, placid and security loving. This is a person you respect.General Description:
Second sign of the Zodiac, April 21st to May 22nd. Ruling planet Venus; correct metal Copper. Those born under Taurus were thought to be endowed wtih mental and physical strength, strong minded, clever, fearless and emotional. The correct Taurus gem is the Sapphire. The sapphire is of a deep blue clour, and the darker the blue the greater its value. The ancients wore Sapphire charms for protection from poison, plague, fever, diseasses of the skin, and to bring peace and happiness upon its wearer. The eyes were rubbed by a Sapphire to preserve them from injury by smallpox. King Solomon’s seal is said to have been a Sapphire.

Daily Horoscopes for April 9th

Daily Horoscopes

Saturday 9th, 2011

Aries

March 21 to April 20

You are currently in a cycle of spiritual development, aided by negotiations with both hidden aspects of life and encounters that challenge your problem-solving abilities. You are currently entering an initial four month period of a longer cycle that shapes your spirituality through such encounters. There?s more ahead in 2012 

 

Taurus

April 21 to May 21

Your visions are giving birth to new goals and new ways to achieve them, calling on your creativity. You?re also mixing with a different type of person, making new friends. Your experiences in the two months around June 3, 2011 highlight these trends, culturing directions and creativity. You?ll be much more adept by the end of this cycle in early 2013. 

 

Gemini

May 22 to June 22

New career aspirations are being nurtured during the next four months, requiring the development of artistic or creative skills. This trend will also initiate career opportunities that allows for the employment of such talents. You need to be patient with the development of this potential for this phase is not complete until the New Year of 2013. 

 

Cancer

June 23 to July 23

Your desires to travel and learn are currently being stimulated 

 

Leo

July 24 to August 23

The developing financial potential of the four months centred on June 3, 2011 will grow in magnitude until late January 2013. You need to feel your way with these matters as you are unfamiliar with certain associated aspects. Trust is an important part of this cycle, but you must also ensure that such trust is not misplaced. Expect more action early in 2012. 

 

Virgo

August 24 to September 23

New dimensions are being experienced in marriage or a partnership, which many Virgos feel is ideal. The coming four months initiates a new sequence in a longer term trend that sees you identify more strongly with a charismatic individual, with whom you are closely aligned. February and March 2012, then August 2012 to January 2013 enhance such associations. 

 

Libra

September 24 to October 23

Your creative work potential is being unleashed during the coming four months, seeing the development of a skillset that can be used in the real world. As such, job opportunities are also being cultured, so that by the end of January 2013 you will be much happier with the state of such affairs 

 

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

The budding potential of romance tantalises Scorpio individuals over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, creating a truly memorable relationship. You feel that you have so much in common with this individual, who lives up to your ideals. This cycle also promotes fertility and involvement with children, so new experiences are also being shaped during the course of this sequence. 

 

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Your domestic life is very fluid and mutable, ideally, allowing you a degree of freedom. Over the coming eighteen to twenty-one months, some aspect of your family life is becoming more ideal, with the initial phase beginning in the next four months. Family members also exhibit a great deal of compassion towards each other, adding to the idyllic state of affairs. 

 

Capricorn

December 22 to January 19

You?re exploring new ways of daily life, involving flexible schedules, freely-structured relationships with neighbours, and the investigation of local variability. There seems to be some secretiveness or seclusion to all this, ensuring that you blend into the background whilst establishing important contacts. You?ll do this well in the coming four months 

 

Aquarius

January 20 to February 18

The exploration of unknown financial potential seems to be a developing theme during the coming four months, calling on all your creative and intuitive skills to get things going. There?ll be further developments in February and March 2012 and August 2012 to January 2013, as you cultivate your talents and income-earning potential. 

 

Pisces

February 2 to March 20

Pisceans are on a journey of personal discovery during April to July 2011, February and March 2012, and August 2012 to January 2013 

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

Element of Earth

Element of Earth

Earth is the universal archetype of the divine feminine. Our planet is fondly called Mother Earth, the Great Mother and Gaia among many others. She represents the inexhaustible spirit of creation and is associated with abundance. When we work with earth, not only are we calling the great expanse of our planet – its mountains, caves minerals, and deserts – but we are also invoking her support and massive strength. From her energies hidden treasure, and she is the proof that material things can be manifested from the divine.

The earth gives all living things the space and minerals they need to grow, so when we call earth into our circle as we stand at the north quarter, we are inviting the living essence of our planet to join us in our celebrations and our magic. We are asking that this energy lend its aid to the work we are doing. When we ask for blessings from the north, we are envisioning abundance, stability, protection and room to grow in a positive way.

Throughout the history of magic the element of earth has been associated with a variety of deities, spirits and angels. You can use what you like, as long as you remember the underlying basic: Earth is earth is earth. We can use a lot of breath with long invocation, and draw exquisite, complicated sigils and dress it up all we want but it is still dirt.

From the magical (as well as the esoteric alchemical) viewpoint, earth has the lowest vibration of the four elements because it is solidly manifest in our world. In astrology those signs symbolized by the earth element are Capricorn (motivated earth); Taurus (rooted earth); and Virgo (changing earth). As the moon moves through each sign for approximately two and a half days each moth, you will have an opportunity to work with the moon’s receptive energy in that sign. If you wanted to work on the structure of something, then you would choose a day when the moon is in Capricorn. If you wish to keep things the same or stockpile something, they moon in Taurus is perfect time for such a spell or ritual. If you need to make changes to a structure, investigate something, or find the “bugs” in a system, then the Virgo moon is the perfect time.

the daily humorscopes for 3/31

Thursday, March 31, 2011
 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that’s all I should really say, except possibly that it’s often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up “heads”, “tails”, “heads”, “heads.” Then someone will come up and say “hey, whatcha doing?” Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

 

the daily humorscopes for 3/29

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.