Tag: Taurus

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to doodle.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Our Horoscope Trouble Spots

Our Horoscope Trouble Spots

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Astroshamanism, Book 2, by Franco Santoro (Findhorn Press, 2003).

Every sun sign of the zodiac has its weaknesses, and knowing what they are can be a valuable help to us as we craft our lives. After all, we will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors if we have a heads-up about the ones that might be troublesome or difficult for us!

Find out the trouble spots for your sun-sign, so you can downplay them, (or avoid them altogether!) here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Aggressiveness, competition, contempt, hostility, impatience, irritability, stress, wilfulness.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Fear and denial of the non-material, greed, materialism, over-indulgence, possessiveness, stubbornness, resistance.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Ambiguity, cheating, criticalness, cunning, carelessness, deception, flattery, forgetfulness, gossip, indecisiveness, nervousness, unreliability.

Cancer, June 21-July 22:Attachment to past, co-dependency, emotional instability, food addiction, insecurity, moodiness, neediness, obsessive romanticism, possessiveness.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22:Arrogance, conceit, destructives, narcissims, ostentation, pompousness, shallowness.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22:Frustration, fussiness, guilt, hypochondria, hyper-criticism, insecurity, nit-picking, over-perfectionism, pedantry, pessimism, restlessness, servility, work-addition, worry.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22:Ambivalence, compromise, dependence, exploitation of relationships for ego gain, extravagance, frivolity indecisiveness, indolence, narcissism, procrastination, wastefulness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21:Control, defensiveness, guilt, inflexibility, isolation, jealousy, manipulation, morbidity, obsession, obstinacy, possessiveness, resentment, secretiveness, self-hate, vindictiveness.


Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21:Conceit, dissipation, exaggeration, exhibitionism, extravagance, fanaticism, ill-judgment, inflation, irresponsibility, laziness, pretentiousness, recklessness, self-righteousness, self-indulgence, superficiality.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Apprehensiveness, coldness, dogmatism, fear of change, maliciousness, manipulation, mistrustfulness, narrow-mindedness, over-materialism, pessimism, rigidity, self-repression, stubbornness, suspiciousness.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Addiction to change, aggressiveness, autocracy, brusqueness, eccentricity, explosiveness, intolerance, irresponsibility, perversity, unreliability, urge to shock.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Addiction, escapism, dishonesty, dramatization, gullibility, hysteria, hypersensitivity, impracticality, irrationality, self-deception, self-indulgence, shyness, vagueness, victimization.

 

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

Your Native American Horoscope

Your Native American Horoscope

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Adapted from Shamanic Spirit, by Kenneth Meadows (Inner Traditions, 2004).

Many Native American traditions teach that there are twelve Earth Personalities that make up the Earth Medicine Wheel. These form an earth-centered horoscope that gives us valuable information about our totem animal, our personality, and our spirit-task in life. Find out which Earth Personality you are, as well as your totem animal and your principle life-lesson:

March 21 – April 19: The Awakening Time. Falcon.
Your principle lessons: Discovering that happiness comes through sharing, and that individuality need not be selfish but van be expressed more fully when it is in harmony with others.

April 20 – May 20: The Growing Time. Beaver.
Your principle lessons: Your worst emotional traumas are likely to be in those areas of your life in which the tendency to form attachments extends into close personal relationships and becomes possessive. Through the grist of experience you are cultivating flexibility, adaptability, and compassion. You need to give others the “space” to be themselves, just as you demand the space to be “you.”

May 21 – June 20: The Flowering Time. Deer.
Your principle lessons: The rifts you have with others indicate divisions within yourself. You are learning how to co-ordinate that which appears to be contrary but which truly is complementary.

June 21 – July 21: The Long Days Time. Woodpecker.
Your principle lessons: To learn to treasure the moment. Not to dwell on regrets of the past or on expectations of what may be in the future, but to recognize that the power to make changes ins always in the Now! The challenges you face on your Earth “Walk” are to enable you to mature through the experience of closeness. Much stress and anxiety may be caused through tenaciously holding on to what has served its purpose, and through mistaking attachment for love. The ability to let go is often a test of true love.

July 22 – August 21: The Ripening Time. Salmon.
Your principle lessons: You are frequently faced with situations which challenge your stubborn resistance to change, and with the need to become more flexible and adaptable through developing a regard for the emotional needs of others. You are learning to recognized that fulfillment comes not so much through the forcefulness of making things happen, but through allowing things to be.

August 22 – September 21: The Harvesting Time. Brown Bear.
Your principle lessons: Whatever you are searching for is to be found where you are. You are learning to know when to exert energy to effect a change, and when to accept circumstances that cannot be changed.

September 22 – October 22: The Falling Leaves Time. Crow.
Your principle lessons: To gain the inner strength that comes from acting firmly on your convictions, and acquiring the wisdom that results from making sound judgments.

October 23 – November 22: The Frost Time. Snake.
Your principle lessons: Your impatience causes you pain and discomfort, but such traumas are teaching you the need for proper timing. Being confronted with seemingly formidable tasks and difficult tests is part of the regenerative process inherent in your nature, which can enable you to transform what was into that which may now be. Such challenges push you beyond your own self-limitations.

November 23 – December 21: The Long Nights Time. Owl.
Your principle lessons: Learning to manage your potentials by not dissipating your energies in too many directions at once. Attainment of inner sight so you can perceive beyond the obvious, and a warm heart so you can be compassionate towards those who stumble around in the dark.

December 22 – January 19: The Renewal Time. Goose.
Your principle lessons: These are derived from your efforts to arrange and conserve, for their purpose is to teach you self-reliance and self-sufficiency in order to establish your own identity.

January 20 – February 18: The Cleansing Time. Otter.
Your principle lessons: To help you to find the courage to act more on an inner “knowing” than on other peoples expectancies. You are learning to turn visions into practical realities through struggle and even adversity.

February 19 – March 20: The Blustery Winds Time. Wolf.
Your principle lessons: To learn to become more discriminating in facing the demands that are constantly made upon you. The challenges of your life are for the purpose of enabling you to break free from entanglements that are limiting and restrictive, so your horizons can be extended.

 

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 25th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 25, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I’m certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of “skipping” shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 24

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Adapted from Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

 

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

The grounded grace and benign presence of trees have both awed and comforted humans since our earliest beginnings. In both Native American and Celtic tradition, every season has its tree-spirits. In astrology, too, each sun-sign has special trees standing guard over it, sharing their healing energy.

Find out which trees hold a magical healing key for your sun-sign here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Holly, thorn, chestnut

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Almond, apple, walnut, ash, sycamore, cherry, myrtle

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Elder, filbert

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Willow, sycamore

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Palm, laurel, pine, oak

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Hazel, elder

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Almond, walnut, plum, myrtle, apple

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Holly, blackthorn

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mulberry, chestnut

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Pine, cypress, yew, spruce, holly

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Pine

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Willow, elm, linden

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 21st

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stinky feet day, today. Don’t go to a Japanese restaurant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

daily humorscopes for sunday, november 20th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, November 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 19th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, November 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Your Horoscope Bird of Power

Your Horoscope Bird of Power

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Ever wish you could fly? Your sun sign is traditionally associated with different birds that can carry messages to the Great Spirit for you, offer spirit-support and healing, or sing a song for your soul.

Find out which birds are your horoscope birds of power here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: Vulture, magpie, robin.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Dove, sparrow, swan.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Parrot, linnet, eagle, finch.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Seagull, owl, white peacock.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: Peacock, rooster, eagle.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Rooster, magpie, parrot.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: Dove, swan, sparrow.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: Eagle, vulture.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Eagle, peacock, bird of paradise.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: Owl, falcon.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Cuckoo, albatross.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Swan, stork, sandpiper.

Cosmic Calendar for Friday, November 18th

Forewarned is forearmed! So goes an ancient astrological saying. Yesterday, in this calendar, a warning appeared that starting today the universe would stop playing the role of Mr. Nice Guy. Instead, we have a more brutish cosmic scene on our hands as the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase occurs (activating 26 degrees of Scorpio and Leo at 7:10AM PST), a void lunar cycle develops from 11:06AM PST to 2:20PM PST (when Virgo Moon begins), a potentially provocative and discordant Sun-Pluto parallel (1:26PM PST) occurs inside the void time-period, and – for good measure – the Moon makes its monthly, highly-charged union with Mars in Virgo (9:13PM PST). Combining this quartet of stellar happenings, it is clear that you need to be very cautious and careful across the board during this 24-hour time-span. Fortunately, pockets of positivity on the investment, literary and educational fronts are present as Mercury forms a supportive, 60-degree link to Vesta (5:34PM PST) while the Moon in Virgo trines Jupiter in Taurus (6:51PM PST). Nevertheless, when the two lights contact Mars and Pluto on the same day, it is highly likely that sparks will be flying in a wide variety of venues and realms of experience. If you want to avoid angry fallout and the wrath of relatives and loved ones – whether deserved or undeserved – do your best to be the picture of human kindness in all your social and familial interactions today.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, November 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of rodents.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He’s just being crabby, if you ask me.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you’re at it.