Lighten Up – How To Shower (You Probably Been Doing It Wrong All These Years, lmao!)

How to shower like a WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights & darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique-make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts.

4. Wash hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 vitamins. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah, and pumice stone. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

5. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhance conditioner. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

6. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

7.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tilex.

8.Get out of shower. Dry body with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom  wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

9. If you see husband along the way; cover up any exposed areas.

 

How to shower like a  MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “WOO-HOO” sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow nose in hands and let the water rinse them off.

7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing genitals. Wash your butt; leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck to the soap.

8. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and  get out of shower .

9. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging ouside the tub the whole time.

10. Admire size of weiner in mirror again.

11. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,  light and fan on.

12.Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake weiner again and make “WOO-HOO” sound.

13.Throw wet towel on the bed.

Lighten Up – Thoughts to Ponder

Points to ponder

 

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why doesn’t toothpaste ever go rotten?

On electric toasters why do they engrave the message ‘one slice’?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? “true”

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Stress Relief Bath

Stress Relief Bath

Ingredients Needed:

3 tablespoons chamomile flowers

1 tablespoon oatmeal

1 tablespoon hops

1 tablespoon comfrey leaf

2 tablespoons Calendula

1 tablespoon comfrey root

Place the ingredient in the filter cup of the coffee maker and add a full pot of water. While the mixture brews, draw a warm bath. Pour the infusion into the bath water and chant:

Herbs into the water flow,

Soothe me now from head to toe.

Dissolve all stress and ease all tension,

Wash away woes an all dissension.

Cleanse me well with all your strength,

So I may now relax at length.

Soak in the tub for at least thirty minutes.

Shower Gel

Shower Gel

Try to find a natural shower gel, fragrance free, as a base. If you want to add just one essential oil, do so and shake well. For every 5 fluid ounces, add 15 to 25 drops.

Shower gel combination

(Knight of the Dark Mountain)

5 drops Swiss pine

3 drops Clary

2 drops Grapefruit

1 drop Lemongrass

1 drop Sandalwood

IRRESISTIBLE BEAUTY

IRRESISTIBLE BEAUTY

Ingredients

When: on a Tuesday night
Where: in your bathroom
Items needed:
– brand-new bath oil or body wash which ever scent you like: lavender, jasmine, musk, or ylang ylang
– a chopped-up carrot(to represent earthiness and tastiness)
– three small orange candles
Draw a super-hot bath–double the amount of bath stuff you usually use.
Let steam fog up the mirror. With your fingertip write “(your name) is the BOMB!” in the mirror.
Chop the carrot into 3 pieces and float it in the bathwater. Light the candles-don’t get in yet it’s too hot.
chant: “In this water so from the heat bathe me in water head to feet” (repeat three times)
When the bath as cooled a bit, hop in relax and breathe in the scented bath stuff, for at least 20 min.
Blow out the candles and bury the carrot outside afterwards, and continue using the scent in the
shower or bath every night.