Lighten Up – How To Shower (You Probably Been Doing It Wrong All These Years, lmao!)

How to shower like a WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights & darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique-make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts.

4. Wash hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 vitamins. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah, and pumice stone. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

5. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhance conditioner. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

6. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

7.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tilex.

8.Get out of shower. Dry body with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom  wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

9. If you see husband along the way; cover up any exposed areas.

 

How to shower like a  MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “WOO-HOO” sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow nose in hands and let the water rinse them off.

7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing genitals. Wash your butt; leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck to the soap.

8. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and  get out of shower .

9. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging ouside the tub the whole time.

10. Admire size of weiner in mirror again.

11. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,  light and fan on.

12.Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake weiner again and make “WOO-HOO” sound.

13.Throw wet towel on the bed.

Lighten Up – Thoughts to Ponder

Points to ponder

 

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why doesn’t toothpaste ever go rotten?

On electric toasters why do they engrave the message ‘one slice’?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? “true”

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Fire and You

Fire and You

by Andy

Standout Box

This is fire. Fire is dangerous. Keep that in mind when fire scrying. Light your fire in an open area, leave space around it. Indoors is okay, but leave a window open nearby for ventilation. Also be aware that your fire alarm will probably go off if you are indoors and don’t turn it off.

Take a large bowl, or cauldron, that won’t burn. I use one of those big silvery metal salad bowls. It has taken on a nice burnished, rainbowy look from all the fires. Put the bowl on the floor or on a low altar. Leave at least two feet of room all around it. Put a towel under it if you don’t want what is beneath it to be scorched. You can surround it with large rocks to keep it from being knocked over if you are going to have people moving or dancing around it or if your bowl has a round bottom. Make sure that any animals and small children are safely occupied elsewhere.

Pour in a cup of rubbing alcohol. Light it on fire with a long match or already lit long candle. The fire won’t roar up instantly, but it will do it quickly enough that you will be grateful for the length of the match. Lighters (the short ones) are a good way to get burnt. I use one of those long barbecue lighters both for safety and reliability in the often windy conditions of outdoor rituals.

One cup of rubbing alcohol will probably get you 10 minutes of flame. Plenty of time for a good vision. Let the flame burn out naturally. Do not refill the bowl while the flame is burning. I lit myself on fire once this way. I was careless and did not respect the flame. It reminded me of respect, completely destroying a Lughnasad ritual in the process.

The flame will probably be between two and two and a half feet high. The higher the alcohol content in the rubbing alcohol the hotter the flame will be. Ninety-nine percent fires will also leave more ash and be more likely to set off the smoke detector. Start with the seventy percent until you get comfortable with it. The first time, it will look much bigger than you expect. Practice before using it in ritual. Start with one half cup and work up.

In case of emergencies, probably a spill, don’t panic. Look at the fire to see if it will actually light anything else on fire. Unlike wax/oil fires, you can put rubbing alcohol fires out with water so keep a lot handy. The alcohol will float at first, but then go out. Smothering with a damp towel also works. Just drop the towel over fire. Ninety-nine percent alcohol will produce more interesting fires, but seventy percent will hurt less if you are burned. A bottle of burn cream or a fire extinguisher, even though you will probably never use them, will greatly reassure the pyrophobes around you.

When I first started doing scrying bowls, everyone told me I had to put Epsom salt in the alcohol, but no one knew why. Epsom salt makes the flames more even and less wild. When using ninety-nine percent, this can produce the occasional ring effect (a ring effect is like a smoke ring of fire), but overall, the effect of Epsom salt is minimal. Using sea or table salt produces random flashes of gold color late in the burn. Using boric acid, instead of a salt, will give a much more pronounced effect turning much of the fire bright green. Epsom salt and rubbing alcohol are both in the pharmacy part of a large grocery/drug store. Boric acid will be by the contact lens stuff (it is a cleaner). Sea salt is by the food.

For the salts, use as much salt as you do alcohol. For the boric acid, put in as much as you have alcohol, then add more until it gets thicker and souplike. Mix the stuff well and let it sit for a while before lighting. Additives usually decrease burning time. None of the additives are good after burning. They will be smelly, crusty, and you will actually have to scrape out some bit of the boric acid. Throw this stuff away after each use.

Here is a list of all the things you will need or may want for the fire scrying: A metal bowl, rubbing alcohol, a damp towel, a pitcher of water, a long candle, matches, or lighter, burn cream, fire extinguisher, Epsom or other salt, boric acid.

Lila’s Yule Log

Lila’s Yule Log

Cake:
2/3 cup flour
1/4 teaspoon soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 eggs

3/4 cup sugar
3 squares unsweetened chocolate
2 tablespoons water

Filling:
½ pint whipped cream
2 tablespoons icing (confectioners’) sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla

Icing:
1/3 cup butter
2 cups icing (confectioners’) sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
2 tablespoons milk
½ teaspoon vanilla

Directions:
Cake:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 15 x 10 inch jelly roll pan, and line with waxed paper. Grease waxed paper.
Mix flour, soda, and salt together.
Beat eggs in a small mixer bowl at high speed, until thick and light – about 5 minutes.
Gradually add the sugar, and beat until thick.
Melt the chocolate and water together, and add to the egg mixture.
Fold in the dry ingredients, and mix gently but thoroughly.
Spread in prepared pan, and bake for 15 – 17 minutes, until the cake springs back when lightly touched.
Remove from oven and turn out immediately onto a tea towel that has been sprinkled generously with icing sugar.
Remove waxed paper, and trim of any crisp edges of the cake.
Begin at the narrow end, and roll up the cake and the tea towel together. Allow to cool.

Filling:
Whip cream until soft peaks form. Stir in icing sugar and vanilla and whip until stiff.
Unroll the cake when cool, and spread the top with the whip cream.
Re-roll, without the towel.
Cut a thin slice off of each end of the roll, to make them even.

Cake:
2/3 cup flour
1/4 teaspoon soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
3/4 cup sugar
3 squares unsweetened chocolate
2 tablespoons water

Filling:
½ pint whipped cream
2 tablespoons icing (confectioners’) sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla

Icing:
1/3 cup butter
2 cups icing (confectioners’) sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
2 tablespoons milk
½ teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

Cake:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 15 x 10 inch jelly roll pan, and line with waxed paper. Grease waxed paper.

Mix flour, soda, and salt together.

Beat eggs in a small mixer bowl at high speed, until thick and light – about 5 minutes.

Gradually add the sugar, and beat until thick.

Melt the chocolate and water together, and add to the egg mixture.

Fold in the dry ingredients, and mix gently but thoroughly.
Spread in prepared pan, and bake for 15 – 17 minutes, until the cake springs back when lightly touched.
Remove from oven and turn out immediately onto a tea towel that has been sprinkled generously with icing sugar.

Remove waxed paper, and trim of any crisp edges of the cake.

Begin at the narrow end, and roll up the cake and the tea towel together. Allow to cool.
Filling:
Whip cream until soft peaks form. Stir in icing sugar and vanilla and whip until stiff.

Unroll the cake when cool, and spread the top with the whip cream.
Re-roll, without the towel.

Cut a thin slice off of each end of the roll, to make them even.

Icing:
Soften butter. Combine all ingredients and beat until smooth and of good spreading consistency.

Use the centres of the ends you sliced off the cake to make bumps on the log : Use a little of the icing to affix the bump to the side of the cake – one on each side.

Ice the entire cake with the icing, including the ends and the bumps.
Run a fork along the icing so that it resembles tree bark.

Sprinkle with icing sugar, and decorate with holly or other Christmas decoration leaves.
Store in refrigerator.

Icing:
Soften butter. Combine all ingredients and beat until smooth and of good spreading consistency.
Use the centres of the ends you sliced off the cake to make bumps on the log : Use a little of the icing to affix the bump to the side of the cake – one on each side.
Ice the entire cake with the icing, including the ends and the bumps.
Run a fork along the icing so that it resembles tree bark.
Sprinkle with icing sugar, and decorate with holly or other yule decorations.
Store in refrigerator.