Dreams can stir your soul this morning – thanks to a Moon-Neptune 60-degree liaison (3:37AM PST). At the same time, the Moon enters a short void cycle that lasts until 5:48AM PST when the lunar orb enters earthy Capricorn. The good news is that less than one hour later, the Moon trines Jupiter in Taurus (6:25AM PST) – invigorating your self-confidence and power of positive thinking. Nevertheless, the extreme dark-of-the-moon vibrations are in control for the next 3+ hours – signifying a need to complete odds and ends before the New Moon arrives at 10:08AM PST – activating 3 degrees of Capricorn. Once the New Moon is a rock-solid reality, it is fine to push forward with bold plans across the board. You have terrific success vibes encircling you – as long you know how to wield spiritual willpower and mental concentration that come from the monthly Moon-Pluto union (5:44PM PST). The evening carries a fantastic glow – especially in romance, the creative arts and social activities – as the Moon parallels Venus at 11:59PM PST. If you need to be concerned about one thing, make it the fact that Jupiter is still officially in retrograde motion until the clock strikes 2:09PM PST tomorrow. This upcoming Jupiter shift will help you make a great leap ahead over the coming weeks.
Tag: Capricorn
the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Beware of short people.
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Correspondences for Saturday, December 24th
Saturday
Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, boundaries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouly
Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease.
Spellcrafting for Saturday
SPELL TO PROTECT YOUR ABODE WHILE YOU ARE TRAVELLING
Gather as many keys as you have in your house ( it should be the same as the numbers of doors that you have in your house)
Moving slowly through your house, take a key, touch it to the door and say:
“Lock out thieves in the night.
Lock out thieves in the light.
Lock out thieves out of sight.”
Repeat this until you have touched each and every key to each door. Then, tie them with a
red ribbon and hang over front door. Remember to visualize them keeping away thieves!
Remember, never leave your bed empty for too long.
Doing so may cause unwanted negative energy to settle in your place.
When heading off, clean the bed and tuck a broom into it, bristles on the pillow.
If you are in a strange place you might want to bring along a blue candle.
Burning blue while you sleep will help protect you. Mirrors are great protection in the
bedroom, as it repels negative influences. So put a small one on the headboard of
your bed, or at least facing the door, and you should stay safe throughout the night.
Lunar Love Horoscopes for December 23 -25
by Jeff Jawer
Through the RoofDecember 23 – 25 |
The hustle and bustle of the holiday weekend usually crowds out the time for romance while most people are busy with their families. But this year it’s not all about obligations, as there are times when breaking away from regular routine and ritual provides room for hearts to roam more freely. The outgoing and fun-loving Sagittarius Moon gives Friday an adventurous spirit. Taking chances in self-expression and exploring unfamiliar places and faces can expand horizons and offer fresh perspectives.
Saturday, on the other hand, is supercharged with a New Moon in disciplined Capricorn that arouses feelings of guilt. Yet the order generally associated with this sign may be hard to come by, frustrating those who prefer to follow the rules and stick to their plans. Volatility is spiked by a lunar square with anti-authoritarian Uranus. This planetary alignment brings out the rebellious side of personalities, making cooperation even more difficult. Yet even if a playful approach and flexible attitude allows for experimentation, the Moon’s conjunction with controlling Pluto has the last word of the day. This intense aspect could either squeeze out the fun with a sense of resentment or cause us to examine our expectations. However, the point isn’t about trying to change others, but to find the maturity and commitment to start changing ourselves.
Daily Horoscopes for Thursday, December 22nd
Although we may want to be pragmatic as the Sun shifts into cautious Capricorn, marking the Winter Solstice, we are more likely to let our visions carry us away today. Blind optimism leads the way with the joyous Sun-Jupiter trine, enabling us to see the brighter side of life while the wild Sun-Uranus square encourages us to take risks. Meanwhile, the Moon’s entry into adventurous Sagittarius at 7:02 am EST affirms the current upbeat energy.
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
You cannot contain your excitement today as the barriers to pursuing your happiness fall away. Although you may be high on anticipation about your upcoming adventures, satisfaction might not be as close as you expect. Don’t be cavalier about the complexities you must still overcome. If you are serious about your goals, you just might be able to execute your plans successfully.
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)
Last minute social commitments might add a bit of stress to your day by placing too many demands on your time. Although you’re capable of stretching beyond your usual limits today, don’t reach so far that you upset the balance between work and play. Being open to the spirit of the holiday season is fine, but don’t be afraid to retreat if your common sense tells you that you are overextended.
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)
It’s tempting to go along with someone’s idea today because you are more concerned with enjoying yourself than with achieving success. Fortunately, the Moon’s presence in your 7th House of Companions can amplify the strength of another person’s strategy, further encouraging you to let go of your previous plans. Your cooperative spirit enables you to work well with others now, bringing greater satisfaction than doing something on your own.
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)
Although you’re optimistic about what you can accomplish at work today, your expectations might be somewhat unrealistic. Streamline your to-do list before wasting lots of energy on tasks you can’t finish. Instead of spreading yourself too thin, focus on completing a few of the most important tasks; otherwise, you could exhaust yourself before the day is done.
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
You are feeling very creative today as the buoyant Sagittarius Moon enters your 5th House of Self-Expression. However, you aren’t in the mood to perform the repetitive tasks that may still be required. Be careful about reacting too impulsively because your frustration could explode into an emotional outbreak that turns your day upside down. Although it might be challenging to be patient now, it’s best to save your greatest inspiration for your personal pleasure.
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
You may believe that you can accomplish everything today, but your schedule could fall apart if someone’s need for independence clashes with your agenda. You might have to reinvent your day on the fly or postpone tasks when something requires more time than you expected. Your emotional reaction could upset a close friend or loved one, but your reassurances should be able to settle them down. Make sure everyone knows that you still plan to meet your obligations over the next few days.
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
If you try to stuff one more activity into this day, it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. But you might not realize that anything has gone wrong until it’s too late. Even if you are quite confident that all is well in your world, it’s still smart to lighten up your calendar before you find yourself in trouble. If you stretch your commitments too far, the entire house of cards may need to fall in order to alleviate the tension.
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Exercising financial caution is wise today because the optimistic Sagittarius Moon in your 2nd House of Possessions encourages you to spend more than you should. Your money may be more limited than you want to admit, so budgeting your resources makes good sense. It’s smarter to acknowledge how you can fool yourself before you end up facing an unnecessary negative cash flow situation. Fortunately, a little planning goes a long way to ease your concerns.
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You are riding a wave of self-confidence, but it’s also easy to gloss over practical details that can get you into trouble today. Relying on your common sense now instead of your optimism is a good idea, but it’s not easy to keep your feet on the ground. Your visionary powers are strong, tricking you to think that you’re invincible. Positive thinking will improve the situation, but ignoring the facts makes things worse. Don’t avoid reality just because it’s unpleasant.
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You may try to be rational in your approach to a complicated situation now that the Sun is shining in your sensible sign. Unfortunately, the current circumstances can defy logical analysis. Instead of unsuccessfully attempting to stay on the straight and narrow path, give yourself permission to be inspired by your imagination. Don’t try to justify your choices to anyone; simply trust in the process. Your intuition will not steer you wrong today.
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your dreams may be the source of inspiration today, but they can also lead you in a more practical direction than you realize. The Moon’s visit to your 11th House of Long-Term Goals lures you out of the present reality and into a world of potential. Luckily, these imaginative excursions can have a lasting impact on what comes next in your life. Instead of losing yourself in fantasyland, consciously paint your future with the colors of your mind.
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You may be feeling very sure of yourself now, believing that you have the ability to improve your career path simply through the power of positive thought. Unfortunately, your visions might be slightly warped, enabling you to view your future through rose-colored glasses. Although there’s no reason to assume the worst, don’t avoid difficult facts just because you’re able to see so much good wherever you look. A reality check only improves your chances for success.
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Beware of rodents.
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Avoid yodelling today.
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
New Moon Report for Dec. 21 – Sun in Capricorn
New Moon Report
By Jeff Jawer
Sun in Capricorn
Wednesday, December 21, 9:30 pm PST, Thursday, December 22, 12:30 am EST
There’s seriousness to the season when the Sun enters earthy Capricorn, marking the Winter Solstice here and the Summer Solstice south of the equator. The desire to put our lives in order leads to New Year’s resolutions and renewed commitment to be more effective during the next twelve months. Discipline and a strong sense of purpose can do wonders, but tense solar transits to electrifying Uranus on December 22 and merciless Pluto on the 29th can flip the energy from chaos to total control in the course of a week. This is an intense holiday period that can scatter good cheer and taint good will toward all with feelings of resentment. The key message is to take responsibility for your own actions instead of trying to tell other people what to do.
Cosmic Calendar For December 21
Staying emotionally empowered in primary partnerships is a crucial theme today as the Moon makes its monthly union with Juno in Scorpio (10:31AM PST) while Venus makes an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with Juno just a few hours later (1:27PM PST). Go shopping for stylish clothing and beautiful touches to enhance a special room in your residence. Be extra sensitive and considerate to loved ones on the ropes. Play the mediator role with finesse and understanding if relatives are over-reacting to end-of-the-year holiday or financial pressures. Utilize a Mercury-Pluto parallel (6:38AM PST) to strengthen your spiritual willpower and mental concentration. Be willing to examine your deeper motives, passions and desires to learn more about core beliefs and principles. The big news is that the Sun enters Capricorn (9:31PM PST) – also known as the Winter Solstice in the Northern Hemisphere. Along with the Summer Solstice and the two equinoxes, this evening represents one of four sacred turning points of the calendar year. Meditate for clarity and learn more about the arcane rituals and rites of ancient civilizations. On practical levels, you will want to focus more attention on reaching a career summit or energizing your entrepreneurial skills during the next four weeks as the Sun illuminates the third earth sign of the zodiac.
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Your Horoscope Story
Your Horoscope Story
- Annie B. Bond
Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.
But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.
Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.
Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.
Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.
Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.
Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th
the daily humorscope
Monday, December 19, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, Dec. 18th
The arrival of Libra Moon (12:07AM PST) each month usually signals a golden opportunity to smooth over relationship troubles and to explore your gifts as a creative artist. The challenge right now is that Venus in Capricorn forms a square to Saturn in Libra (6:19AM PST). This is known in the astrological terminology as a mutual reception because Venus is located in a Saturn-ruled sign (Capricorn) while Saturn is located in a Venus-ruled sign (Libra). This can be helpful and supportive if the mathematical connection between the two celestial bodies is harmonious. However, the square of 90-degrees is usually more frictional and abrasive in its nature. The bottom line is that you can still make a couple of great leaps forward in strengthening the bonds of a primary partnership and tapping into your artistic treasure-trove of skills is do-able. Whether or not, you will feel totally happy and confident during the process is questionable. And some rough edges – on the emotional plane in particular – are likely to arise. Cautionary and conservative vibes coming from the beautiful ringed planet are also strong around 5:00PM PST as the Moon parallels Saturn. By tomorrow, a Sun-Saturn 60-degree tie will combine with the monthly Moon-Saturn zodiacal union to really ramp up the serious and profound energy-field associated with this planet that has much to do with focus, hard work, structure, form, responsibility and climbing up the ladder of worldly success.
the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th
the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Correspondences for Saturday, December 17th
Correspondences For Saturday
Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, Boundries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouly
Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease.
Spellcrafting For Today
CHARM TO FIND LOST ITEMS
Bound and Binding
Binding Bound
See the Sight
Hear the Sound
What was lost now is found
Bound and Binding
Binding Bound
A FINDING SPELL
Light a green candle for luck and prosperity.
Charge a small green stone with your desire to find your “property” that eludes you.
Chant the following 3 times:
I Pray to the Moon when she is round
Luck to me shall then abound
What I seek for shall then be found
In sea or sky or solid ground
Remember, like energies attract, think of positive times spent with this lost treasure
and mentally/emotionally call the lost one home.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 16th
From last night’s Moon-Jupiter trine from Virgo to Taurus to this morning’s Moon-Pluto trine from Virgo to Capricorn (7:56AM PST), there is a grand triangle hovering in the sky and offering you success and achievements in the business and professional realms. However, Mercury is only now beginning to gain much in the way of daily speed and three potential drawbacks occurs as Mars makes a frictional, 135-degree connection to Jupiter (8:02AM PST) while Vesta makes a rare union with Neptune in Aquarius (8:18AM PST) and the Moon unites with Mars in Virgo toward the end of the day (11:35PM PST). Trying to push your own agenda too far too fast can backfire. The Vesta-Neptune rapport suggests that by using your creative imagination and psychic sensitivity golden opportunities for forward progress can be made on the investment front. However, dashing ahead without a coherent game-plan or letting impatience take control won’t bring you deserved rewards. It is also wise to stop worrying about a wide variety of problems. Under Virgo Moon, this worry factor can doom almost any otherwise sensible enterprise. While you are wiping out worry, make sure you also eliminate criticism of self or others. This shadow side of the Virgo realm is another area of life that acts as a destroyer for our daily hopes. Reflection and contemplation during this lunar dispensation can remind you of the simple joys that make life worth living.
the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th
the daily humorscope
Friday, December 16, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 14th
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th
the daily humorscope
Monday, December 12, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
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