the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

Mid-Winter Feng Shui: The Year of the Earth Rat

Mid-Winter Feng Shui: The Year of the Earth Rat

  • Betsy Stang

Chinese New Year heralds the beginning of spring in the Northern hemisphere. In the southern states, the flowers begin to bloom, the rains come, often violently as the yin and yang, cold and hot fight for dominance. In the northern states, often fog will settle in for long periods as the rain and snow take turns letting each form of water rule.

The Year of the Earth Rat is a good time to build new foundations. Slow and steady, one grain at a time, the rat can move mountains.



Mid-winter is a good time for pruning and clearing. As the sap starts to flow upward, what shape do you want your life to take in the coming months? This is not a time for glamour and glitz. You won’t be getting by on a good idea or a pretty smile. What is the substance behind the dazzle? Expect to be called on for what you stand for.

It is a great time to look at your core values. What is important to you? Have you been putting your energy where your heart really is? Rats are pack animals, so look at your pack, your friend, family co-workers. How can you be more harmonious in your relationships? Have you reached out to those who are important to you in support and encouragement? Right now a small word and small gestures can make a lot of difference.

If you did not clean out your closets at the January New Year, do it now. Try clothing on and if you don’t love it, pass it along. I sometimes do swap parties with my friends and it’s a great way to perk up a dreary February afternoon. Pass along what your friends don’t want to the nearest women’s shelter or Salvation Army drop box. Somebody needs the clothing you don’t, and you will be spreading abundance and allowing for more to come your way. Also go through the cupboards and restock for emergencies and give food with approaching expiration dates to your local food pantry. Old grain should be put out as well or you might be visited by those pesky grain moths.

When was the last time you fertilized your plants? The growing season is coming on quickly and the new moon, new year is a great time to fertilize. If you have been composting, you might spread that around now, although if the ground is still frozen, wait until the next new moon.

Since it is an Earth year, it will be a time of gradual progress. It is one of those times that we get to learn patience like the farmer who must wait for harvest for his crops to be ready. This year, short cuts won’t work but hard work and perseverance will. In a society that values short-term results, this is a challenging aspect. However, Earth signs, like Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo will be in their element as well as those born in the last year of the Earth Rat, February 1948–January 1949.

Focus your changes on the center of your home, this section represents the Earth element as well as your health. Get that check-up you have been postponing, you might find you can stop a problem before it gets big. It is also a good time to get better nutrition. This is an especially good year to eat as organic as you can. If your stove is not working well, its time to fix it, especially if you are having cash flow problems.

Take small steps in your life to begin to bring about big growth later on. Those of you who have been afraid of change, it is your time to shine. It is a time of setting foundations, of planting who you want to become. To everything there is a season.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

By Sage Romano, DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

 

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
 

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 7th

Two days ago, Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Virgo linked up via a harmonious, trine pattern of 120-degrees. This creative association of the two main cosmic symbols of the feminine and masculine principles doesn’t occur that frequently. This morning – at 7:03AM PST and then at 10:48AM PST – the Moon in Taurus forms flowing trines, first to Mars and then to Venus. This actually makes a grand triangle in earth signs in the zodiac – an auspicious, geometric talisman that can signify your own success and achievements manifesting in the real world. A Mercury-Pluto parallel (2:53PM PST) adds an exclamation point to the foregoing by simultaneously activating your spiritual willpower and mental concentration. Whether you can pull this off and be eminently fortunate in money matters, business negotiations and career pursuits is not necessarily 100% in the cards because you also need to be in the right place, at the right time, and in the right state of consciousness. In addition, every individual has his or her own horoscope of many celestial bodies that is being impacted daily by what are called transits and progressions (ongoing cycles of the heavenly orbs) that provide the kinds of events that fill our lives in every 24-hour time-period. Remember – as pointed out in this calendar two days ago – that the first of the outer planets (Uranus) is virtually stationary this entire week, but will officially shift from retrograde to direct in Aries on Friday evening December 9. You may be tuning into the Uranian signals of radical change and intuitional awareness even now before the actual station of Uranus in the sky. This is not that unusual as our human minds and nervous systems are much more advanced than we understand at this stage of evolution.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to doodle.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.

Today’s Cosmic Calendar for November 28th

This first day of this workweek suggests that big business ventures, professional aims and entrepreneurial matters are core issues. The main reason is that the Moon continues its monthly transit in the third and final earth sign – Capricorn. In addition, the Sun forms a subtle and yet still advantageous, 30-degree rapport with Pluto (10:37AM PST). The 30-degree aspect is considered minor by many astrologers, but when the center of our solar system (the Sun) forms any contact with the outermost, main planet (Pluto) – some 3 billion miles away – it is wise to heed what is going on. And in this case, you have an opportunity to understand hidden motives in yourself and ferret out normally secretive behavior patterns of your competitors in order to give yourself an edge on the money-making superhighway of the modern world. However, the Moon squares Saturn at 3:02PM PST – beginning an 8-hour void limbo time-period until 11:03PM PST when the Moon enters service-oriented Aquarius. Keep a low profile during the void lunar dispensation. It is okay to finish old projects on a high note, but keep new plans under wraps until the Moon shifts into Aquarius. Strive to maintain your productivity in arts, crafts and hobbies since Mercury squares Ceres (11:37PM PST).

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, November 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, November 27th

Although the emotionally reserved Capricorn Moon encourages common sense over passion, following our desires will likely bring satisfaction today. Our down-to-earth practicality is further emphasized by the presence of beautiful Venus in Capricorn; however, her propitious trine to bountiful Jupiter indulges us with pleasurable experiences. Nevertheless, we still may resist the good times if we think they will interfere with our potential success.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Remain upbeat about your contributions when pushing toward your goals whether you’re making plans to achieve a goal at work or striving to be noticed within your community. Thankfully, you should receive assistance from an important person now that friendly Venus is visiting your 10th House of Public Status. Go ahead and do your best work, but make certain to ask for the credit that you deserve. Although seeing tangible results may take a few days, you could be surprised at the outcome.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

It’s always lovely to be appreciated, and today is especially sweet because you receive so much positive energy from Venus’ trine to optimistic Jupiter in your sign. Nevertheless, it isn’t always appropriate to overwhelm others with your exuberance. A touch of self-restraint can help you reach your goals. Don’t sprint to the finish line; it’s not as close as you think.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You may be very clear about what you want out of a relationship now, especially if you have been clarifying your needs all year long. The time is ripe to make something happen, and you could blow your chances if you wait too long. Maintain a positive attitude while sharing your feelings, even if you don’t know where the conversation is leading. But don’t let this opportunity pass without acting on what’s in your heart.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be emerging from a tough phase, yet you’re still able to rationalize what you want. However, many delicious feelings are bubbling up from your subconscious now and tempting you to set aside your objectivity. Hold on steady and keep your eyes on the current opportunities, for this wave should ultimately bring a positive transformation.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Beneficial Jupiter is visiting your 10th House of Public Success and its trine to pleasurable Venus in your 6th House of Work could resonate with your plan to accomplish a lot today. Unfortunately, you might feel like a lazy Lion with plenty of excuses to justify your unproductive nature. Remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all. You deserve a bit of downtime now, so take it while you have the chance.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might not be happy at first with whatever happens today, but you may be willing to wait for satisfaction once you realize the potential pleasures that are available to you. Even if you try to fight against the changes, your resistance fades quickly once you sink beneath your noisy thoughts and into the less familiar non-verbal world of emotions. Ultimately, your feelings will steer you in the right direction now.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

This is a magical day to immerse yourself into your feelings without wasting any energy rationalizing what’s in your heart. Don’t be afraid to act on your intuition because the signals that are now coming from your subconscious are integrally connected with your truth. Only negativity stands between you and your success, so jump in and follow your positive instincts before you change your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It’s not such a bad idea to temporarily set aside your personal interests now and concentrate on selfless acts of generosity. However, don’t spoil the moment by asking what’s in it for you. If you really need to know, then you’re missing the point entirely. Ultimately, if you stay focused on the highest expression of love, the emotional rewards will always circle back and touch your heart.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may attempt to hide your anger today because you really don’t want it to interfere with the general loveliness that’s floating around in your environment. Fortunately, with valuable Venus in your 2nd House of Income, you could feel as if everything you touch turns to gold. Just keep in mind your ability to work in service to others now is enough of a gift to make you happy.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Sensual Venus harmoniously trines happy-go-lucky Jupiter today, promising fun activities and empowering you to co-create new games. Unfortunately, you may not be able to escape your responsibilities just because the phone is ringing and good times are calling. Thankfully, you can still enjoy yourself by expressing your creative urges in a practical project.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be feeling so intense now that you don’t know how to say what you’re thinking without upsetting others. Unfortunately, keeping your thoughts to yourself isn’t a smart strategy either, since suppressed emotions will blast their way to the surface sooner or later. Expressing love and not fear can transform obstacles into positive learning experiences.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You’re eager to please others now with the Moon visiting your 11th House of Social Networking. You can be a wonderful friend, but you must be careful about only acknowledging the good news. The power of positive thinking can help you today, but you could take your optimism too far. Obsessing on the possible negative outcomes isn’t useful, but neither is burying significant issues without addressing them.

Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, November 27th

If you played the cosmic astro-zodiacal game in the right way yesterday, you should be in good shape for today’s somewhat easy-going agenda. The Moon in Capricorn remains the primary factor – encouraging you to make progress on the business and professional fronts. Vesta moving 45-degrees to Pluto (1:02AM PST) can jar you on emotional levels and make you worry about protecting your valuables, but later on you can tune into your spiritual willpower and mental concentration during the monthly Moon-Pluto union (5:27AM PST). This monthly lunar convergence with distant Pluto can prove troubling for many souls – if deep-seated repressions are stirring up underworld tensions. However, Pluto does have a higher component of purity and purpose. And if you know what you are doing, you may be able to avoid emotional turbulence and ride the crest of a wave of awesome willpower that is good for you, your family and friends. The best news of the day clocks in at 1:24PM PST when Venus in Capricorn makes a flowing trine in earth signs with Jupiter in Taurus. Take full advantage of this terrific blending of the two traditional benefic planets. Success in financial matters looks promising. Gains can be made across the board and an inspirational, 72-degree connection from Mercury to Chiron (9:41PM PST) is an added healing boost to your experiences.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?

Your Daily Horoscopes for Saturday, November 26th

We may be anxious today as we try to manage conflicting cosmic messages. Loving Venus enters calculating Capricorn, followed by the Moon at 10:04 pm EST, telling us that traditional values make sense and emotional restraint is a good idea. But Venus also squares radical Uranus, attracting unusual people and stimulating our desires for dynamic change. Intellectually, we’re ready to jump into the uncertainty, yet our feelings still hold us back.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Risking your current security might seem like a good plan today, but an unsuccessful shortcut will only require you to continue going back over the same territory until you learn your lesson. But your memory is short now, so the past may not be readily accessible. Just remember that you can trick yourself into believing there’s a quick fix when there’s none to be found. There’s no way around it; the road to happiness will take time and hard work.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your ruling planet Venus squares rebellious Uranus today, turning your down-to-earth tastes into more unconventional attractions. You may try to ignore your edgy desires because you don’t want to jeopardize your standing within your family or community; however, denying your true feelings doesn’t help matters one bit. Share your most eccentric emotions with a trusted friend now, but don’t become attached to the outcome of the conversation.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re probably more flexible than most of your friends, and today you could take your ability to avoid making a final decision to a whole new level. You may get on other people’s nerves because you want to leave so many options open. You might be afraid that making a commitment too soon can prevent you from being available for a bigger opportunity later. However, waiting too long could actually cause you to miss something satisfying that is right in front of you.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You don’t want to jeopardize your security for the fleeting possibility of an amazing experience. Nevertheless, you may still be attracted to engaging in unusual behavior, even if it places a strain on your life. Keep in mind that you can accept your current desires even if they are outside your usual comfort zone. Acknowledging an irrational urge doesn’t mean that you must act on it.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You enjoy feeling fully alive, but may grow tired of getting bounced around by your crazy desires today. One minute you’re feeling wonderful about a romance, and the next you’re wondering about the wisdom of your heart. The extreme swings of attraction and fear will pass if you don’t overreact with emotions on either end of the spectrum.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might not be able to verbalize what you want today because your desires are taking you into unknown territory. Instead of eagerly exploring your emotions, you’re tempted to sidestep what’s in your heart since it’s easier to maintain a detached perspective when you stay up in your head. However, you could inadvertently bring on the emotional meltdown you’re trying to avoid unless you’re willing to step beyond the limits of your rational thoughts and into the realm of feelings.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your attempts at being serious might not go as expected today since unpredictable Uranus can turn your life inside out as it squares your ruling planet Venus. You’re not as sensible as you think, and your irrational behavior can create a series of events that require you to shift your plans suddenly. Instead of wasting energy trying to avoid the inevitable, be open to the excitement that comes from trying new things and meeting new people.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The emphasis on your 2nd House of Finances today indicates that you don’t mind spending extra cash on something that helps you express your feelings toward a special friend. You won’t likely purchase anything that is ordinary because your tastes are more eccentric than usual now. Buying a unique gift can be a joyful experience as long as you keep the other person’s needs in mind rather than getting something that you would secretly like yourself.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are often drawn to ideas of doing something adventurous with your friends, but today you might pass up a social activity so you can stay home. Of course you can’t do both, so choosing one or the other could become problematic if others demand that you make a choice. But micromanaging your day isn’t a sensible strategy; you’ll be happier now if you let someone else make the decisions. You could end up feeling a real sense of exhilaration once you let go of control.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You might feel unsettled if you’re playing outside of the rules now. Normally, Venus’ shift into your sign motivates you to follow a conservative path of the heart, but her square to wild Uranus pushes you into new territory today. Letting go of old familiar systems expands your horizons while increasing the variety of possibilities ahead. It’s time for you to take a risk; you won’t be disappointed.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You’re feeling on-edge as Venus squares your key planet Uranus. You want to do something crazy that makes you stand out in a crowd, but you could go overboard today. Friends may be shocked by your sudden uncharacteristic behavior and might criticize your actions. Don’t worry about how others judge you; just stay true to yourself.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You are more attracted to eccentric people today, especially if you have been showing self-restraint in your own personal expression. The wilder you are the less everyone else needs to act out your suppressed feelings. You have an excellent opportunity to experiment with what you want, within reason, of course, so try something outrageous; you can always return to your old ways tomorrow.

Cosmic Calendar for Saturday, November 26th

If you are really tuned into the cosmic beat, this can be a very successful weekend — especially in living closer to your philosophy of life and making huge strides on the career horizon. Giving you an early boost are the monthly Moon-Mercury union in Sagittarius (2:04AM PST) and Venus entering Capricorn (4:37AM PST) until December 20. Yes, it’s true that Mercury is in reverse, but the Moon with Mercury is still something that can be encouraging for learning across the board. And Venus in Capricorn can imbue your professional plans with new magnetism and power. The Moon in Sagittarius begins a short void twilight zone at 4:07PM PST, and this uncertainty time-span lasts until 7:06PM PST when the Moon enters hard-driving Capricorn. Meanwhile, Venus – having just entered Capricorn – forms a dicey square with radical-change agent Uranus in Aries (6:28PM PST). This is akin to a neon light flashing for lovers – with a warning not to overdo a good thing and to strive toward greater sensitivity to avoid a breakdown in communication. Fortunately, the energy-field flips around shortly thereafter as Venus makes a supportive, 60-degree alliance with healing-master Chiron (7:36PM PST), the Moon unites with Venus (8:28PM PST) and forms a flowing trine to Jupiter (10:02PM PST). When the Moon harmonizes with both Venus and Jupiter, you definitely need to pay attention and extract every bit of happiness and exuberance from their encounters

New Moon Report for Novembr 26th – Venus in Capricorn

 

 Venus in Capricorn

Saturday, November 26, 4:37 am PST, 7:37 am EST

Amorous Venus grows formal in ambitious Capricorn where the need for status can overcome the tenderness of romance. We may be less cuddly now as insecurity drives greater hunger to control relationships. Venus’ conjunction with Pluto on December 1 could be a key date when self-worth and partnership concerns come to a head. Battling for the top spot challenges the cooperative nature of a loving union. However, if we remain kind to one another, this transit can elevate the quality of commitment and increase a willingness to work hard that solidifies personal and professional alliances.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.