Tag: Capricorn

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don’t especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) — you’ll find it’s his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a “normal” name. Everyone is a “Darius”, or a “Baxter”, or a “Kyle”. Just to be ornery, you will change your name to “Xnarp”.

Daily Cosmic Calender for January 8th

Inspirations are flying fast and furiously as the entire day builds up to the exact moment of the Full Moon that activates 19 degrees of Capricorn and Cancer (11:31PM PST). Early on, your talents as a superb problem-solver are enhanced – thanks to a mentally-exuberant, 72-degree rapport from Pallas to Jupiter (3:45AM PST). This could also be a good day to conduct strategy sessions, on a wide range of topics, with a trusted adviser or friend. You receive some excellent back-up support – mentally and spiritually – as Mercury forms a flowing trine to Jupiter in earth signs (10:06AM PST). However, the universe seems to love tossing a shocking surprise into the proceedings just to see how mortals on Earth behave. This shocking surprise arrives in the form of a Mercury-Uranus 90-degree sharp square from Capricorn to Aries (3:24PM PST). Jumping to conclusions without information or clear answers is taboo. If you have to drive or travel a far distance, use sound judgment. Communications can also suffer around the time-period when Mercury and Uranus play mischief-makers. Meanwhile, the rest of the evening pulls you toward the potential magic of the Full Moon (11:31PM PST). Send out your uplifting thoughts and prayers to humanity and the kingdoms of nature. Individual and group meditations are advised. Think more of your higher purpose while dwelling in your physical, emotional and mental bodies in this lifetime. Be a loving, compassionate ambassador of goodwill to people on the skids.

New Moon Report for Jan. 7th – Mercury in Capricorn

New Moon Report

By Jeff Jawer

 

Mercury in Capricorn

Saturday, January 7, 10:34 pm PST, Sunday, January 8, 1:34 am EST

Cerebral Mercury in responsible Capricorn is excellent for rational thinking and clear communication. However, the speedy messenger’s aspects with boundless Jupiter and spontaneous Uranus today fill our heads with original ideas and spur provocative comments. Once this energy settles down we will quickly put our thoughts in order and find the intellectual discipline needed to concentrate on achieving our ambitions.

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

Your Horoscope Guardian Trees

  • Annie B. Bond

The grounded grace and benign presence of trees have both awed and comforted humans since our earliest beginnings. In both Native American and Celtic tradition, every season has its tree-spirits. In astrology, too, each sun-sign has special trees standing guard over it, sharing their healing energy.

Find out which trees hold a magical healing key for your sun-sign here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Holly, thorn, chestnut

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Almond, apple, walnut, ash, sycamore, cherry, myrtle

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Elder, filbert

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Willow, sycamore

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Palm, laurel, pine, oak

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Hazel, elder

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Almond, walnut, plum, myrtle, apple

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Holly, blackthorn

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Mulberry, chestnut

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Pine, cypress, yew, spruce, holly

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Pine

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Willow, elm, linden

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of galoots, today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for January 3rd

Returning to work after the shift from one year to another is never an easy chore. However, the celestial bodies of our solar system seem to be in an affable mood right now as the Moon in Taurus forms a flowing trine to distant Pluto in Capricorn (5:20AM PST) while Venus unites with Pallas in Aquarius (10:09AM PST). The Moon-Pluto liaison can enhance your mental concentration and spiritual willpower, but the Venus-Pallas conjunction is truly a jewel as it reinforces your problem-solving skills and ability to strategize with trusted associates. In addition, it is wise to stock up on foods, vitamins and supplements that strengthen your immune system as Pallas connects to the genetic code, DNA and our defense against illness. More good news is on the horizon since the Moon in Taurus and the Sun in Capricorn form a harmonious trine (4:44PM PST) just 7 minutes before illuminating insights abound during a Sun-Mercury parallel (4:51PM PST). Later on, Mercury forms an inspirational, 72-degree link to Vesta (9:54PM PST) – a definite help in increasing the value of your assets and investments if you can sensibly tune into the shape of things to come on the economic front. Vesta also relates to home and hearth, insurance rates and coverage, as well as soul-sisters – eager to offer you wise advice across the board.

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, January 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hide.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 01, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 29th

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that last night’s conjunctions are gone and forgotten. As a matter of fact, they are very strong – particularly the extremist, brooding and underground nature of the annual Sun-Pluto merger in Capricorn. Add on this morning’s Venus-Pluto parallel (3:06AM PST) and it is clear that stormy conditions can rock anyone’s boat – emotionally, romantically and financially. Fortunately, the Moon in Pisces forms a supportive, 60-degree link to the Sun in Capricorn (5:57AM PST) just a few hours before a mystically-charged, 72-degree contact occurs between Mercury and Neptune (8:58AM PST). The Sun-Moon and Mercury-Neptune liaisons go a long way to neutralize some of the tensions associated with the Sun-Pluto and Venus-Pluto interactions. Try your hand at writing rhyme poetry, haiku or limericks. Help people truly down on their luck under the compassionate aegis of Pisces Moon. Photography, music and dance may cure you of the blues as Pallas makes a frictional, 45-degree link to shock-master Uranus (9:56PM PST) while a couple of challenging sky patterns are waiting in the wings early on Friday to test your resolve and stamina.

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 28th

Mercury forming a supportive, 60-degree tie to Pallas (3:29AM PST) keeps those exalted, innovative Pallas vibes going full blast in the early hours. You can be a problem-solver extraordinaire. However, Mercury moves on to make a more abrasive, 135-degree tie to giant Jupiter (5:29AM PST). This challenging alignment – along with a Sun-Juno 45-degree clash (4:13AM PST) and Moon-Saturn parallel (6:18AM PST) – indicates that some psychic thunderstorms concerning communications, travel plans and educational interests may interfere with your forward progress this morning. Later on, inspirations abound during the monthly Moon-Neptune union in Aquarius (1:32PM PST). Any lunar conjunction with far-out Neptune can result in your receiving mind-blowing realizations that can literally change your consciousness forever. On the other hand, this Moon-Neptune merger also begins a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:46PM PST when the Moon dives into the mysterious waters of Pisces. Once the alchemical shift of the Moon from air to water takes place, the Moon makes its monthly communion with healing-maestro Chiron (7:06PM PST) just a few hours before the Moon joins forces with soul-sister Vesta (10:48PM PST) and the Sun makes its annual union with underworld-ruling Pluto in Capricorn (11:44PM PST). This is quite an evening – with spiritual, investment and willpower vibrations at white-hot intensity. The lunar links to Chiron and Vesta are much more tender and sensitive than the single-minded, intense Sun-Pluto contact. Stay on alert throughout the night and into early Thursday to make sure loved ones are protected and that your words and deeds are of the highest caliber.

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Monday, Dec. 26th

This could be a slow day getting started business-wise – if you are working. The reason is that Mercury makes a frictional, 45-degree tie to Saturn (5:03AM PST) just before the Moon in Capricorn squares Saturn in Libra (5:37AM PST). Therefore, two challenging aspects counter the urge to make a forward dash into the sunlight. In addition, the Moon-Saturn square starts a void lunar twilight zone that lasts until 9:15AM PST when the Moon enters service-oriented Aquarius. It’s okay to finish old business during the void time-period, but once the Moon is in Aquarius, put more emphasis on volunteer efforts, charity drives and joining international movements that tug at your heart-strings. Group projects, team sports and community activities are prime areas for your involvement between now and Wednesday morning. Check out the latest high-tech gizmos, apps and software programs as the Moon makes a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Uranus (10:35AM PST). Consider having an impromptu party or gathering at your place tonight – coinciding with the monthly Moon-Venus union in Aquarius (11:34PM PST). Express your creativity in the fine and graphic arts for a change of pace. If you are in the mood for romance, then set sail for exotic ports of call with a like-minded partner

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.