the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 19th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a large diet coke. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day for a nice nap.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 18

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 18, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say “What was THAT!?” in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you’d ask permission first.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for July 15 – 17

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Easy, Breezy

July 15 – 17

A Full Moon in hyper-responsible Capricorn late on Thursday night tends to place productivity above pleasure as you’re reminded of your worldly obligations. Happily, for lovers and those seeking romance, the Moon floats into airy Aquarius on Friday afternoon to blow away accumulated worries. This friendly sign sets the mood for the weekend, making it easy to connect with people as conversations flow freely.

A non-judgmental atmosphere opens minds to all different styles of dress and entertainment. A more tolerant environment is great for exploring unusual individuals and unfamiliar experiences. Experimenting within a current partnership or when seeking a new romance reduces the pressure and increases interest.

You are able to strike a healthy balance between your need for adventure and a more mature approach to your obligations as the Moon aligns favorably with reliable Saturn on Saturday morning and with passionate Mars that night. But all this activity occurs in air signs that are more comfortable with ideas than emotions.

People may appear to be open and accessible, which is true to a degree, but you could come away with the feeling that you haven�t connected in a deep way. If you try to crowd someone or feel like a person is invading your personal space, politely step away and explain your need for a little privacy.

The weekend works best for those who like romance on a non-committal level, as if it’s a chance encounter of two ships passing in the night. Deep feelings and intimate moments are still possible; just don’t expect most people to be in the mood to deal with the sticky details of complicated emotions.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 15th

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 15, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 14th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone will ask you if you’d like some “fresh ground pepper” on your salad. Personally (this may be just a “Ron” thing), I always say “yes” to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I’ll bet it’s something good!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucius was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 12th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 11th

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 11, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 9th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of clams, today.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop.” That’s a bad habit, anyway.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 8th

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 08, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 7th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won’t have anywhere to put it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 6th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium.” Don’t take it lightly.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze.” You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You’ll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you’ll take up rice throwing as a hobby. “It’s not just for weddings any more,” you’ll say.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

The Planets Now for July 5th

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Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
13° 24′
in Cancer

Moon:
10° 04′
in Virgo

Mercury:
05° 42′
in Leo

Venus:
01° 57′
in Cancer

Mars:
10° 23′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
05° 36′
in Taurus

Saturn:
10° 50′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 37′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 51′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 43′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Opposition: Saturn Uranus 6º Opposition: Sun Pluto 7º Opposition: Venus Pluto 3º Quincunx: Mercury Pluto 0º Semi-Sextile: Jupiter Uranus 0º Semi-Sextile: Moon Saturn 0º Sextile: Jupiter Neptune 4º Sextile: Mercury Mars 4º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Sextile: Sun Moon 3º Sextile: Venus Jupiter 3º	Square: Mercury Jupiter 0º Square: Moon Mars 0º Square: Saturn Pluto 5º Square: Sun Saturn 2º Square: Uranus Pluto 1º Square: Venus Uranus 2º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 0º Trine: Mars Saturn 0º Trine: Mercury Uranus 1º Trine: Moon Jupiter 4º Trine: Moon Pluto 4º Trine: Venus Neptune 1º

The Sun in Cancer
While the Sun is in Cancer family and home are the primary influences. Affection between family members is likely to increase. Familial bonds are likely to strengthen. Now is an ideal time to make improvements that make home life more comfortable and safe for all. Feelings of concern and compassion for the plight of others beyond the family should be quite strong at this time. Many may use this time to retreat and revitalize physical and spiritual energies.

Sun Sextile or Trine Moon
Keeping a healthy balance between autonomy and the need for personal relationships is very important at this time. The degree of one’s success may be significantly increased by maintaining healthy relationships with family members and friends.

Sun Opposition or Square Saturn
One’s picture of one’s self may be a bit muddled at this time. Self-doubt will dampen the spirit of many.

Sun Opposition or Square Pluto
For seekers of power this should be a favorable aspect. The desire to distinguish themselves from the field will be strong in some. The need to control situations may lead some to become fanatical about their pursuits.

Moon In Virgo
Affection is likely to be expressed by proactive action. Overt displays of love may be difficult for many to muster. Much of the affection one is shown may looked upon as suspect. Avoid endlessly critiquing yourself and those around you.

Moon Opposition or Square Mars
Mental and physical energies tend to run high during this aspect. Those who do not find healthy ways of using their additional energies are likely to become irascible and difficult to be around.

Moon Sextile or Trine Jupiter
Now is an excellent time to mend past grievances. Sincerity and warmth will serve one well.

Moon Sextile or Trine Pluto
Passions are likely to run high during this aspect. Exploring the world’s mysteries may be a very attractive pursuit at this time.

Mercury In Leo
Logical thinking and consistent behavior are favored. While there may be a pronounced laid-back attitude towards life, an underlying need to succeed and solid planning will power progress. Now is a good time to further one’s education.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Mars
Persuasion through verbalizing sound ideas is a key to success during this aspect. Be wary of becoming dogmatic and verbally domineering.

Mercury Opposition or Square Jupiter
Ideas and schemes are likely to abound during this aspect. The trick will be to determine which ideas and schemes are actually viable. Focusing on the future is favored during this aspect.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Uranus
The need for personal freedom is likely to be very high. Those who can wade through moments of chaos and confusion without panicking should do well at this time.

Venus In Cancer
The need to physically and spiritually express one’s love for their partner may be a very strong motivator. Indeed, the need to please may be so strong that it becomes so free floating that almost anyone could be the recipient.

Venus Sextile or Trine Jupiter
This aspect can lead one to be a bit indolent. If you need a break from your life’s current pace that’s great. However, if things in your life are at a critical stage, resisting the urge to take it easy is definitely suggested.

Venus Opposition or Square Uranus
The need for a tremendous amount of personal freedom is a key influence of this aspect. Relationships formed during this period are likely to be superficial and short lived.

Venus Sextile or Trine Neptune
During this aspect many will find giving far more rewarding than receiving. The arts are likely to be very attractive as either a pursuit or experience or both.

Venus Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect can bring one’s passions to a boil. The need for both physical and spiritual love may seem almost insatiable in some. In some cases passions may erupt into jealousy, as some will feel the need to be in control of every facet of their relationship to feel secure.

Mars In Gemini
Short term projects are favored. The tendency to take on more than one project at a time could be strong, and should be managed to avoid taking on more than can be done. Mental labor is favored over physical labor.

Mars Sextile or Trine Saturn
Long term goals are favored by this aspect. The willingness to sacrifice and the determination to succeed will further ensure success will be realized.

Jupiter In Aries
Material gain and lifestyle security will be strong influences during this period. Many may take life much more seriously than they usually do. Tackling challenges from a practical approach is likely to yield positive results.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Neptune
Maintaining an open mind to all possibilities is favored during this aspect.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.

Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Uranus
Those who aren’t afraid of a little hard work are favored by this aspect. Remaining focused and taking things seriously are likely to produce substantial rewards. The ability to quickly change to stay atop rapidly evolving circumstances is a very valuable asset at this time.

Saturn Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect may make it difficult to commit one’s self to anything beyond the moment at hand. However, those who do take on new goals will put the full force of their nature into achieving them.

Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.

Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.

Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 5th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people’s pockets, shoes, etc., when they’re not looking. My advice: don’t get caught.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English

Overview of July Horoscope 2011

July Horoscope 2011

by Jeff Jawer

Let Go and Grow

July starts with the New Moon in cautious Cancer, which normally spurs sensitivity, sentimentality and an interest in holding onto the past. Memories occupy minds and hearts when attending to current domestic issues, which are likely to be more important. Stressful aspects from unpredictable Uranus, strict Saturn and pungent Pluto make it hard to feel secure. A desire to back away from present challenges, though, is at best a temporary escape rather than a solution to real issues.

This yearning for yesteryear lessens a bit on July 2 when communicative Mercury enters bold and outspoken Leo. This transit, lasting until the 28th, is excellent for humorous expression and creative ideas. Sure, we can go a little over the top with self-indulgent concepts and egocentric ways of talking. Yet if we avoid taking ourselves or others too seriously, we can enjoy the entertaining show of minds exploring new territory and feel inspired for the future.

Cancer the Crab’s connection to safe and familiar people and places gets more support when loving Venus enters this sign on July 4. The planet of romance seeks safety instead of adventure in Cancer, making it hard to experiment in matters of style and of the heart. Nostalgia paints beautiful pictures of the past that cover up much of its imperfections. Idealizing an old partnership is only helpful if you can take a lesson from it and apply it to your present life. Venus in Cancer is a time for adults to recognize that needs may be real but they can also grow and change over time, which is what really keeps love alive.

A powerful trine between expansive Jupiter and potent Pluto on July 7 can deepen conviction and beliefs. However, their strength and the ability to build a life based on them require careful examination. Truth, like love, is alive with growth and change. Don’t be afraid to doubt what you know as this transit will reward those who examine their truths and limit individuals who refuse to question them.

The Full Moon in crusty Capricorn on July 15 is a faceoff between duty (Capricorn) and instinct (Cancer). Finding balance between discipline and emotion is the lesson of this security testing lunation. On the 23rd the Sun strides into noble Leo, opening hearts and expanding pride. Leo’s drama may increase with Venus’ entry into the sign on the July 28. This transit kicks romance into higher gear for those willing to invest themselves fully into it, but it can disappoint those seeking heartfelt connections who are unable to take the risks required to achieve them. A dash of rationality returns with mental Mercury’s move into analytic Virgo, adding needed logic to these dramatic times.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to go around “nudging” people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to learn to play the tuba.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

The Planets Now for June 27

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
05° 46′
in Cancer

Moon:
22° 49′
in Taurus

Mercury:
22° 08′
in Cancer

Venus:
22° 09′
in Gemini

Mars:
04° 44′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
04° 18′
in Taurus

Saturn:
10° 35′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 34′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 58′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 55′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Opposition: Saturn Uranus 6º Opposition: Sun Pluto 0º Quincunx: Mars Pluto 1º Semi-Sextile: Jupiter Uranus 0º Semi-Sextile: Mars Jupiter 0º Semi-Sextile: Mercury Venus 0º Semi-Sextile: Moon Venus 0º Semi-Sextile: Sun Mars 1º Sextile: Jupiter Neptune 3º Sextile: Mars Uranus 0º	Sextile: Moon Mercury 0º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Sextile: Sun Jupiter 1º Square: Mars Neptune 3º Square: Saturn Pluto 4º Square: Sun Saturn 4º Square: Sun Uranus 1º Square: Uranus Pluto 1º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 1º Trine: Mars Saturn 5º Trine: Sun Neptune 4º

Sun Sextile or Trine Jupiter
This is an ideal influence for both beginning and completing projects. The prospect of attaining one’s goals is excellent at this time.

Sun Opposition or Square Saturn
One’s picture of one’s self may be a bit muddled at this time. Self-doubt will dampen the spirit of many.

Sun Opposition or Square Uranus
This aspect flavors current conditions with a heightened willingness to take risks and pursue adventures. The urge to act impulsively will be strong in many. Unfortunately their impulsive actions may undermine their ability to maintain a stable lifestyle.

Sun Sextile or Trine Neptune
Artistic pursuits and mysticism may be very attractive at this time.

Moon In Taurus
This is a period in which an easy going attitude and moving through life at a steady pace is favored. The need for physical pleasure may be high at this time. If possible conflict should be avoided. Unyielding stubbornness can lead to missing some great opportunities.

Moon Sextile or Trine Mercury
Insight into the psychological motivation behind individual’s behavior is very strong at this time.

Mercury In Cancer
Decisions are likely to be made with the heart and not the mind. Progress may be bogged down by a nostalgic outlook. Communication may suffer from the fear that to express one’s thoughts and feelings is to invite attack.

Venus In Gemini
Sexual energies are likely to be on the rise. Often they will be expressed in innocuous, good natured flirting, but sometimes the urge to exercise one’s sensuality may strongly influence behavior.

Mars Sextile or Trine Saturn
Long term goals are favored by this aspect. The willingness to sacrifice and the determination to succeed will further ensure success will be realized.

Mars Sextile or Trine Uranus
This is an energizing, empowering aspect that favors those who act decisively. Generally, focusing on short term goals will produce positive results.

Mars Opposition or Square Neptune
The arts are likely to have a strong appeal during this aspect. Energies may be a bit low, so progress is more likely in when tackling short term projects that do not require large amounts of mental or physical energy.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Neptune
Maintaining an open mind to all possibilities is favored during this aspect.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.

Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 27, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hide.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

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