Tag: Capricorn

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of Doug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Deny everything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”

the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, May 24, 2012 

 

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, May 14, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 13th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there’s a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, May 10

Make steady progress in business and investment matters under the favorable energy-field of the Moon in Capricorn in trine to the Sun in Taurus (5:04AM PDT). This is quickly followed by an equally auspicious and optimism-generating Moon-Jupiter trine in the same earth signs (8:58AM PDT). What could land you in hot water is a Mercury-Mars parallel (9:29AM PDT). This sky pattern can go either way – to give you a boost of emotional and mental vitality or push you to act too fast, without carefully thinking of the potential consequences. Before you know it, the Moon in Capricorn squares Saturn in Libra (12:12PM PDT) – starting a void uncertainty zone that lasts until 10:04PM PDT. During this 9+ hour twilight zone, complete odd jobs and old ventures, but don’t initiate bold, new plans. Have fun with photography, film or video work, poetry and painting, improvisational music and dance while Mercury forms a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Neptune (3:00PM PDT). This may also be a good time to enhance your spiritual studies. Your productivity quotient can reach new heights during the void lunar cycle as Mercury forms a strong parallel with Ceres (8:53PM PDT). Once the Moon enters the universal air sign of Aquarius (10:04PM PDT), start thinking more about joining forces with other like-minded souls in global and humanitarian efforts. Write down overnight dreams as they could be precognitive and tune you into future events as Mercury forms another engaging contact with Neptune, this time a contra-parallel that becomes exact at 5:04AM PDT tomorrow morning.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 9 – Golden Opportunities Abound

Golden opportunities are springing up all over the place – thanks to a life-enriching Sun-Jupiter parallel (5:39AM PDT). If you are scratching your head trying to remember what a parallel is, then the key is to realize this is an aspect connected to the Celestial Equator rather than the ecliptic or apparent Sun’s path in the zodiac. Right now – from our vantage point on Earth – the Sun and Jupiter are both inhabiting 17+ degrees north of our Celestial Equator and this is called a parallel. It is similar to a zodiacal union and this Sun-Jupiter extravaganza is actually a stalking horse for this coming Sunday’s actual conjunction of these two celestial bodies at 24 degrees of Taurus. Even though having the two largest cosmic entities in our solar system together is offering up enlightening vibes, Mars is forming a parallel to Ceres (9:03AM PDT), the Moon is making its monthly union with distant, willful Pluto (10:35AM PDT) and Mercury is forming an off-kilter, 150-degree tie to Juno (7:53PM PDT). These three sky patterns are more on the discordant end of the universal spectrum. Throwing your weight around or performing arm-twisting maneuvers on reluctant friends and loved ones may not lead to positive results. Nevertheless, the nurturing presence and gravitas of the Sun converging with Jupiter today – backed up by the Moon in Capricorn in a flowing trine to productivity-enhancer Ceres in Taurus (3:15PM PDT) – can keep you out of trouble and on track to reach important milestones on your exalted professional trajectory.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Tuesday, May 8th

This is a good point in the calendar to remind you that solar and planetary alignments don’t just disappear off the astro-psychic radar screen a day after they occur. Therefore, last night’s Jupiter-Uranus and Mars-Uranus high jinx remain a threat to everyone’s decorum and well-being today. Their potentially mischievous vibrations are somewhat diminished, but still reverberating a little below the threshold of consciousness. Fortunately, we don’t have giant-sized replacements to take their place until tomorrow when four fairly major alignments reach exactitude. For the most part, you can indulge in favorite arts, crafts, hobbies and pastimes during much of today under fiery and enthusiastic Sagittarius Moon. Communication channels are reasonably clear in the hours building up to the Moon making a flowing trine of 120-degrees to Mercury (6:35PM PDT). Once this exactly occurs, the lunar orb is void, but only for 26 minutes until 7:01PM PDT when the Moon enters industrious, hardworking Capricorn. This is a signal to be more focused on fulfilling career ambitions and energizing professional plans during the next two days. Assisting your efforts in this regard is Mercury entering earthy, persistent Taurus (10:16PM PDT) until May 24. If you are feeling a strange sense of buoyancy and even euphoria overnight, chalk it up to the approach of the mind-expanding Sun parallel Jupiter (forming precisely at 5:39AM PDT tomorrow morning).

Your Daily Correspondences for Saturday, April 28

Your Daily Correspondences for Saturday, April 28

Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, Boundries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouli

Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease.

New Moon Report for April 21 – New Moon in Taurus

New Moon in Taurus

Saturday, April 21, 12:18 am PDT, 3:18 am EDT

The New Moon in earthy Taurus starts a slow-cooking fire, creating opportunities to increase income and discover fresh sources of pleasure. Investing in a solid foundation of training, tools and developing personal resources with patience establishes a base from which future success will grow. Taurus likes a steady pace, so don’t be in a hurry to get where you want to go. Sticking to a practical plan is a surer way to achieve your goals than trying to beat the clock. Long-range strategic thinking will pay dividends, while get-rich-quick schemes are likely to fail. Skillful Mars in Virgo and potent Pluto in Capricorn form favorable aspects to this Sun-Moon conjunction, producing a Grand Earth Trine that favors pragmatism and productivity. Yet a lovely slice of imagination is blended into this cosmic dish with a supportive sextile from dreamy Neptune to the New Moon. This spiritual planet softens Taurean stubbornness with compassion and faith, bringing a higher purpose to even the most mundane tasks.

The Taurus New Moon is like a fertile garden where healthy seeds can take root and grow. Nurturing the soil of ourselves with constructive thoughts and healthy behavior may seem boring to some, yet the results are worth the effort. The ground upon which a positive future is built requires appreciation for oneself, so acknowledging our abilities and accomplishments is essential for feeding our ambitions. Taking time to enjoy life’s simple and sensual pleasures provides joy that makes the journey worthwhile.

Correspondences for Saturday, April 21

Gothic Comments 

Correspondences for Saturday, April 21

 Magickal Intentions: Spirit Communications, Meditation, Psychic Attack or Defense, Locating Lost Things and Missing Persons, Building, Life, Doctrine, Protection, Knowledge, Authority, Limitations, Boundries, Time and Death
Incense: Black Poppy Seed and Myrrh
Planet: Saturn
Sign: Capricorn and Aquarius
Angel: Cassiel
Colors: Black, Grey and Indigo
Herbs/Plants: Myrrh, Moss, Hemlock, Wolfsbane, Coltsfoot, Nightshade and Fir
Stones: Jet, Smokey Quartz, Amethyst, Black Onyx, Snowflake Obsidian, Lava, Pumice
Oil: (Saturn) Cypress, Mimosa, Myrrh, Patchouli 
Saturn lends its energies to the last day of the week. Because Saturn is the planet of karma, this day is an excellent time for spellwork involving reincarnation, karmic lessons, the Mysteries, wisdom, and long-term projects. It is also a good time to being efforts that deal with the elderly, death, or the eradication of pests and disease. 
~Magickal Graphics~

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for April 13th

Easy does it! Imagine that you are entering the dangerous terrain of a sworn enemy. What do you do to survive the battle? Right now you need to deal with the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase (activating 24 degrees of Aries and Capricorn) at 3:51AM PDT. Cutting through obstacles – mentally and even spiritually – is part of the essence of every solar-lunar connection where the Moon is waning and 90-degrees from the Sun. You also have to be on your toes due to the Moon in Capricorn entering a 4+ hour void lunar uncertainty zone – stretching from 10:06AM PDT to 2:49PM PDT. Finish odd jobs during this void-of-course time-period. Once the Moon enters the universal air sign of Aquarius (2:49PM PDT), you may think that team sports, group projects, community activities and working on global causes close to your heart will meet with celestial approval. However, all day long the red planet is sending out emotional sparks, darts and mini-explosions as Mars halts its retrograde skid at 4 degrees of Virgo and makes a station there at 8:54PM PDT. Ouch! Any time Mars is motionless, you want to strive for serenity and peace of mind. Keep your distance from temperamental individuals and avoid projecting angry feelings on well-meaning friends, colleagues and loved ones. All Mars themes – energy and passion, emotional expression, ego-drive and assertion, independent action, courage and leadership skills, aggression, anger, volatility, fevers and inflammatory behavior – are emphasized today and over the weekend. If you can direct Mars energy into industrious work projects – where organization, order and efficiency are number one priorities – then you will be flowing well with the Virgo component of the red planet’s stationary vibrations.