the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 14

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 13

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of rodents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

New Moon Report For June 12 – Saturn Direct

Saturn Direct

Sunday, June 12

The forward shift of crystallizing Saturn allows positions to harden and provide solid foundations for future growth. Tackling big projects that have been difficult to grasp grows easier when matched with commitment to a well-defined plan. Facing reality in relationships is appropriate with this serious planet in Libra, the sign of partnerships. Recognizing that there are at least two sides to any situation can ensure fairness, facilitate negotiations and encourage compromise.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 7

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Fire

Fire
Elemental: Firedrakes
Elemental Ruler: Dijin
Direction South
Color: Red
Season: Summer
Time of Day: Noon
Symbols: Candle, Sword, Athame, Incense Burner
Some Things associated with the element of fire: Energy, Passion, Taking Action as opposed to just thinking about it, Protection especially where active is needed as opposed to passive.
Some Herbs Associated with the element of Fire: Cinnamon, Pepper, Ginger, Garlic, Basil, Cedar, Rosemary, Dragon’s blood
Type of energy: Masculine
Wind: South Wind
Zodiac Signs ruled By Fire: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Power of Magus: Audere, To Dare

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9

Basic Overview of the Month to Come, May

May Horoscope 2011

by Jeff Jawer
 

Feel Your Senses Come Alive

 

Earthy Taurus is highly activated this month as May begins with the Sun in a sign that awakens us to our senses and the physical delights of our planet. Taste, touch, smell, sight and sound enrich us with comforting experiences to please our bodies. There is, though, more than a dash of stubbornness in Taurus that is likely to reduce flexibility until the solar shift into adaptable Gemini on May 21.

Physical Mars enters the sign of the Bull on May 11 to slow the pace of activity. Yet persistence and patience can make us even more productive. Traditional astrology considers Taurus to be a difficult place for fiery Mars as this fixed earth sign inhibits the adventurousness and ability to take bold action associated with this planet.

On May 15 mental Mercury and loving Venus enter Taurus, adding reason and caution. Venus is the ruler of Taurus, suggesting a greater degree of common sense and values that help us appreciate the gifts we have and to recognize the true worth of people and things.

The New Moon in Taurus on May 2 forms a harmonious 120-degree trine with transformational Pluto, adding power and deeper perceptions that make it easier to eliminate waste and focus on essential details. A conjunction of active Mars and expansive Jupiter in Aries adds a dash of enthusiasm for new experiences that are likely to produce tangible results thanks to Taurean resourcefulness and pragmatism. On May 17 the Full Moon in emotionally complex Scorpio opposes the simple Taurus Sun, forcing relationship and financial issues into the foreground. Scorpionic desires and fears could become dramatic as discontent pushes emotional buttons.

The atmosphere grows lighter with the Sun’s entry into airy Gemini on May 21, quickly followed by a solar square with Neptune on May 22. This strong 90-degree angle with the planet of dreams inspires faith and fantasies. Compassion and creativity are among its gifts but evasions of reality could cause confusion, weaken authority and diffuse focus. Still, a sexy Venus-Mars conjunction in Taurus on May 23 lures us back into our bodies as we enjoy tastes and touches that have a perfect balance of comfort and stimulation.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

the daily humorscopes for april 21st

Blessed Full Moon

Blessed Full Moon

Author: Lady Wolfwind

Almost every full moon we celebrate. My children and I. My husband sometimes stands on the periphery as if he’s afraid to join in. It makes me sad to watch him. He’s always seemed a bit reluctant to allow himself to show what he truly believes. Afraid of what others may think of him, even in his private moments. So, he watches. He did participate in our Blue Moon Ritual. Almost as if he felt the significance of the moment, like we were on the cusp of something and it was too important to let pass. I feel that one day he may openly participate and feel comfortable in doing so.

This is really not a story about my husband and his beliefs. It is a story I would like to share with everyone about one witch’s experiences and how they happened. I must admit that we do not celebrate every full moon. I particularly do not like the oppressive summer heat of Florida and, I might add, the mosquitoes. Sometimes I am just too tired or overwhelmed by my mundane life to pay respect to the Goddess who is responsible for bringing it all to me.

Over time in my life, I have changed a great deal, as I’m sure we all have. A few years ago I had a very deep emotional wound that left me changed forever. This wound is what put me on this path with both feet, never to look back. I have found within me a deep peace. I watch people all around me and they try to fill the silent moments with whatever they can. I find that the silence speaks to me. It’s when I recharge my own batteries and feel the vibrations of the world around me.

I deal with people in my job 50 hours per week. Not only do I deal with our customers but my employees as well. It’s strange the way they talk to me. I sense their vibrations as soon as they enter the room. For one example, I was taking a lady’s order the other morning. She seemed to have a sense of sadness about her. I asked her if she was okay and she replied that “Yes, I am good. How are you?” I proceeded to tell her that all was well when she blurted out to me that her son had committed suicide a few years back. I instantly was thrown into a tailspin. I had felt the sadness but didn’t expect this woman to open up to me about something so personal. I told her that I was sorry for her loss and her pain. She told me that it was okay and that she had learned to move on. I felt that the sadness had never gone away.

So, the silence is very important to me. I am an empath. That is another story altogether. It’s not what I really want to write about. When I am not at work I shield myself from the world’s crazy vibrations. I surround myself with nature and animals. I feel their energy as well but it is a kinder, more natural vibration and it soothes me. There is not a day that goes by that I am not being followed by cats, dogs or chickens.

I very rarely invite people to my home. They leave their imprint behind. It interferes with the flow of energy that I feel here. It feels as if it is an intrusion. I know that I can banish this energy but I don’t want to be bothered with the disruption. It is like a momentum, I want it to keep its pace.

So, the night of the last full moon. This night had significant meaning. My husband was working so it was just the children and I. Goddess forbid if my son thinks I’ve forgotten the full moon. He reminds me all night. His excitement is palpable.

We were in the yard. We had set down our blanket. We had all of our necessary tools. Maybe not necessary tools by some people’s standards but enough for us. After all, the Goddess does not look down on us for not spending loads of money on fancy ritual tools. The witch of yesteryear made do with what she had on hand and we shall do the same.

We had our candle for fire, we had our salt for the earth, we had our incense for the air and we had our blessed water. My son cast the circle. We set the incense in the middle, my son carries fire, my daughter sprinkles water and I sprinkle the salt. We set the items at the appropriate directions and my daughter politely asks the Quarters to join us and I ask reverently for the Goddess to join us as well.

Once the circle is cast we sit in a circle and hold hands. We take turns thanking the Goddess for everything she has blessed us with the previous month. We speak of all that we are thankful for. The good and the bad. Then we silently sit and say our own silent thanks. After this we speak of all of the ills we would like to see changed and people we would like to see helped. We ask that She show us a path in which we may help her to do her work in the following month. We say thank you. My daughter asks the Quarters to return to where they came and my son returns the energy back to the earth.

It is a deeply healing time. It makes us aware of all we have to be thankful for while others suffer, sometimes by their own choosing without even knowing it. It helps my children learn to be ambassadors for peace in their world and that different is not always wrong.

I understand that all of this is a great story in and of itself but it is still not what I wish to speak of. At every Esbat the animals join us. The cats always join us in circle. They lie in the middle and look at us all with great love and respect. Sometimes we are joined by others as well. We have a fox that lives nearby and if you look out at the edge of the field, he stands there watching. We also have a family of raccoons and at times they will stand at the edge of the grass and curiously look on. On occasion, the owl provides his two cents as well.

I must add, that the first few times I witnessed this amazing audience, I was unnerved. After all, it was just my children and I. These were wild creatures and I have always been taught that they can be dangerous. The first few times we finished early and moved inside.

Lately I have been more at peace with these visitors. I have found peace with them and they are welcome. Maybe they just want to hear the words and in their own way they want to say thanks as well. They have never created any danger. They just sit and watch. I feel them there. They have something to say. I feel privileged to be trusted enough to have them witness the beauty of it all.

So there, you have the story. This is how it is here. This is our life. Not the life I have chosen but the one that I was called to. It is filled with pain and confusion at times but at others it is filled with beauty and wonder. I have found that the more I am aware of these things the more is revealed to me. Sometimes I feel afraid of what may be next. I know the Goddess will only give me what I can withstand and I place my full trust in Her. I am in awe of all She has to teach and I am envious of how gently she teaches it. I only wish that I had her gentle way with which to bring wisdom to others.

This is what I strive for. I feel that this is what she wishes from me. To just gently teach. To share small glimpses of what the world could be like if one would only stop and listen.

Blessed Be My Fellow Witches.

New Moon Report for April 17 – Full Moon in Libra

Full Moon in Libra

Sunday, April 17, 7:44 pm PDT, 10:44 pm EDT

The accommodating Libra Moon’s opposition to the Sun in self-reliant Aries brings relationship issues into the foreground. It’s an opportunity to gain clarity about how we give too much to others, undermining our own interests, and when unwillingness to compromise weakens partnerships. Libra’s sociable ruling planet Venus is in Pisces forms an awkward quincunx with the Moon, an aspect that increases uncertainty and encourages sacrifice. However, honest discussions help us to find the right balance between personal needs and mutual interests that inspire us to work and share with others effectively.

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

New Moon Report for 3/20 – Sun in Aries

Sun in Aries

Sunday, March 20, 4:21 pm PDT, 7:21 pm EDT

This new astrological year is supercharged by the Sun’s conjunction with Uranus and Jupiter’s presence in the zodiac’s risk-taking sign Aries. Impulsiveness and originality are riding high and motivated by itches for change. It’s time to reinvent ourselves with updated looks and fresh attitudes. The desire for freedom is so strong that it’s difficult to take orders, which can provoke conflict with authorities. Yet this hunger for stimulation encourages bolder behavior such as starting a new business or a taking relationship in a totally different direction. Being a pioneer is sometimes lonely but it’s often easier to fly solo when exploring new territory.